Reshuffle

reshuffle ... reshuffle what? reshuffle my life, reshuffle my plans, reshuffle my feelings ... well, i'm being a bit dramatic, but i have a tendency towards high drama - as you might have noticed. what has really happened recently is a bit of a setback in one way ... maybe not, in another. oooh ... i'm being so 'mysterious'. lets start at the beginning.

my last post i was ranting and raving because i couldnt go out to a club. i was upset that i had had a convulsion when i have been doing so well and feeling so good. well, i ended up going out with some friends on friday, may 16 anyway. just not to a club. we went to a food and wine expo. it was great fun and i got pretty drunk tasting all the wines from different vineyards. it was then decided that we would go to a bar afterwards. i happened to bump into an old friend that i hadnt seen in years. my other friends left and i decided to stay and chat to my long-lost friend and his buddy. then my long-lost friend left and it was just me and his buddy. i was really drunk by then, but i do know that the guy i was talking to was a nice guy. the bar closed at 4am and i was walked home. then this guy asked me for a kiss!

this is what i have been going on about. this is what i have been dying to do. go out, party with friends, kiss a guy. but when it came down to the crunch i freaked out. i told him i couldnt and he went home. it hasnt been quite 2 months since colin broke up with me and as much as i thought i was ready to carry on, obviously my heart is not ready. i woke up on saturday, may 17 feeling really hungover and guilty. i actually started crying. i was freaked out by what had happened the night before. why? is it because i dont want to fall back into old, drunken behaviour patterns? (partly) is it maybe that i'm not ready for that much independence, that much reality? (probably) is it because i am experiencing clonazepam withdrawals that are making me edgy and paranoid? (definitely)

i ended up having a panic attack that afternoon. it was so bad that my whole body was shaking, i was bawling, TERRIFIED, paranoid ... i had been feeling jittery, paranoid, a bit depressed for the last two weeks but i was handling it! i was so determined that i could come off the clonazepam by myself. especially since things were going so well for me. i had a close-to-normal social life, which made me so happy.

now, all of a sudden, i was scared of everything, i was stressed about everything, i couldnt cope! i canceled two social engagements and spent the rest of the weekend in bed. i also spoke to colin. yes, i phoned him. i dont like ignoring each other and i feel that he is the only person who truly understands what i have been through. we have a bond, a connection ... something that will never be broken. we had a good chat. speaking to him made me feel better on two fronts. first, it cemented for me that i dont want to be involved with him - as he was proudly telling stories of drinking too much, partying, irresponsibility etc. a self-destructive lifestyle that makes me worry about him, but also makes me glad i'm not part of it anymore. second, he wants us to be in contact, he says he is not over me (we will never be 'over' each other - we will always occupy a space in each others hearts) and that i am his best friend. he wants to have dinner some time. i told him to stay in contact. i hope he does, because the next effort at contact needs to come from him. i would like us to have dinner some time (not now!). more closure for me? i think so.

i saw the psychiatrist on monday, may 19. now, he wants to diagnose me with some kind of anxiety disorder - last time it was depression - jeez! but i got what i wanted in the end. he gave me the anti-depressant that he had suggested to me the first time when i had had such bad withdrawals. THANK YOU!

now i have to wait a month for the anti-depressant, cipramil to kick-in and hopefully that will help me come off the clonazepam. then i will have to come off the cipramil. everything is delayed! ARGH! and the side-effects of the cipramil are horrid - today, anyway. i feel nauseous, i have a headache, my stomach is cramping and i just generally dont wanna get out of bed, let alone be social and do creative things that would normally make me happy. i feel like a baby. i want someone to come and hold me and make me feel better BUT happiness comes from within. so, right now ... i cant party ... i dont want to party. drinking is the LAST thing i want to do! but i have a friend coming round for tea tomorrow and another friend hopefully coming to visit on thursday. oh, and i had a lovely dinner with a group of friends last night. so, its not all bad. i'm just going back a little for a while. i'm going to feel sick again, before i can feel better again. *SIGH*

if this cipramil doesnt work im going to fucking SCREAM!

Complaining

ok ... so i had to vent there a bit. but i am over it already. my health is the most important thing right now. i am happy and comfortable at home. i dont need to go partying all the time. the clubs will always be there, but i only have one brain. my sickness does not make me pathetic or any of those other things i said. sometimes i feel that way, but then i remember who i am. i am SUE and i wouldnt want to be anyone else. i have found my power again already. independence is a state of mind.

Reminder

well ... so much for my triumphant return to "normal". i drove to my friend's house last night and had dinner. that was a big achievement. but then i woke up early this morning. i wasnt feeling good so i took a sinutab with codeine to try and help me sleep. a few minutes later i was convulsing like crazy. really fast. really scary. my whole body shaking like a rag doll, my neck twisting and stiffening. my muscles screaming in agony.

it makes me cry when this happens ... when will it stop? i was on top of the world and i got too excited. i got ahead of myself and then the little bugger came out to fuck with my body just to remind me, "you're not free yet sue! you still have months of this to go through!" maybe it is coming off the clonazepam, maybe it was the driving last night, who knows? who cares? i just fucking want it to STOP! i cant handle this backwards and forwards ... YAY! i'm fine ... NO! i'm not! its a living, depressing hell.

i was going to go out to a club with a friend tonight. WOW! did i get that wrong. there is NO way i could handle a loud club. i have had to cancel my outing, which i was so excited about. and every time i think i have emotionally moved forwards, i get thrown back again. i try to be strong about it ... take it in my stride. after all, i should be used to all this bullshit by now, right? but i'm not. i try so fucking hard! i try not to get depressed and fall into negative patterns of thinking BUT it is too hard!

i'm sick, i'm hurting, i'm scared, i'm tired, i'm depressed, i'm alone, i'm discarded, i'm ignored, i'm crying, i'm heartbroken ... how much more of this do i have to take?! enough is enough! make it stop!

Special

Dancing Queen

yes ... ladies and gentlemen ... coming to you live is "ravings of the housebound - the anniversary special"! TA DA! well, i only say this cos i know i missed marking both of my anniversaries this month. so quickly lets give a moment of silence for thursday, 8 may which was my 1 year and 4 months no-smoking, finding AVM anniversary and my 1 year and 1 month writing this blog anniversary. DUM DUM DUM! and also a moment of silence please for the recently passed monday, 12 may which was my 1 year and 3 months gamma knife radio surgery anniversary. 1 year and 3 months ... that sounds so short ... feels like 2 years already ... wish it was 2 years already.

but lets look on the bright side! the reason i cant believe it has only been 1 year and 3 months since my surgery is that so much has happened in that time and i am a million times better than i was in taiwan (happier too!). my recovery speed seems to be increasing exponentially in fact. HOORAY! i have my official south african driver's licence now and just got back from driving my mom's car down to the chemist to buy her some medicine. she is sick in bed with the flu - i think it is what i had while we were at pearly beach. it is nice for me to be able to look after her for a change. i have recently realised that in some ways i have become lazy ... i have become so used to being sick, being cared for and not having to do things myself that i sometimes neglect to do simple things to help around the house or to go shopping etc. BUT that is going to change! a lot of things are going to change!

but maybe i should start at the beginning. the reason for my new outlook, my new-found power ... well, there are a few. first of all, it has been great having my friend staying with me. she reminds me of what it is to be a fully-functioning adult and i wish she wasn't moving out actually ;-). the driving has also helped remind me what it feels like to be independent, strong. in fact, i am going to a friend's house for dinner and i am driving there tonight. YAY! it's not that i can now go gallivanting with my mom's car, but it is just a great physical and mental step towards adulthood for me. a step towards responsibility, real life ... man! its scary!

another positive step is getting off the clonazepam. yesterday i went down by another 0.5 mg a day and i have been feeling ok. a bit jittery and teary-eyed, but i know that it is the medication so i try to just ignore it.

what else has been making me feel good? i am making a bit more money with my proofreading. i havent managed to find any more work, but i am getting more work from the one company that i am proofreading for AND most of the stuff i am proofing is interesting. bonus! some of it is about how the 'brand name' of a company has become worth more than the company itself. eg: the name 'playstation' is worth a lot more than the actual company, but it is intangible so how do you calculate the worth of a brand name? complicated, but interesting. there was also an interesting article on semiotics and how important it is in marketing. how one must be careful to use culturally correct images/signifiers to advertise a brand. eg: in the west the colour red means danger, but in the east red is the colour of celebration. this is interesting for me as i studied anthropology. and i studied english so the proofreading itself is fun too. fits perfectly with my pedantic side ;-).

i have also been continuing my "promote sue" campaign where i basically make sure that i am staying in touch with and seeing friends. this campaign is going well and i am very lucky to have a lot of wonderful friends who know that i am wonderful too. you teach others how to treat you. i am friendly and caring towards people and they are friendly and caring towards me. if not - then they are assholes and not worth my time anyway. with this attitude i have managed to find and keep seeing long-lost friends which is very exciting AND i am making some new friends. in fact, i am pretty happy in cape town. if i could find a way to make money and live comfortably here then i wouldnt leave. the more time i spend here, the more places i go, the more friends i make, the more i realise how special south africa and south africans are. but for now, the plan is still to return to taiwan next year some time. i have a lot of exploring still to do ... my friends will always be there as long as i am there for them too.

but i am forgetting two very important happenings ...

saturday, may 10 was a friend of mines birthday party. my visiting friend from thailand (visitor) is back in town, which has been lovely and we all went off to drink and watch rugby for this other friend's birthday. and guess what! i got drunk and i DANCED and i got home at 4 am - swaying, hee hee. it was fucking amazing! liberating! ecstasy! what i have been wishing for, moaning about ... I CAN DO IT! I'M BACK! yeeeeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and the best thing about the drunken evening was not just that i had so much fun, but that i got to do it with two very good friends who i love dearly - it was a wonderful bonding experience for us to be able to party together like that again. and i got to bond with my friends boyfriend and discovered that we have the same birthday! how cool is that!?! i hate to brag, but i know that i am a lot of fun to go out with right now because all this dancing and partying is new to me, i'm like a kid. i cant help but be happy and energetic.

tuesday, may 13 i went to check out this self-growth course that my friend had told me about. i went with her boyfriend, who is a lovely guy and i got to sit in and see what the course is all about. as i have said before, i would usually 'poo poo' this kind of thing. be very critical and sceptical, but i have grown so much already and have learnt a lot about life and myself that i no longer feel the need to protect myself with scepticism and a false sense of superiority. i dont need to deride others to make myself feel better so, i went with an open mind. it was very interesting. really it is about changing the way that you look at your life, discovering the reality of what drives you and taking responsibility for your actions. it is about letting go of the past and becoming a better person. i wont say that i fell for all the 'buzz words' or the "it changed my life" stories, but a lot of what was said in those 3 hours made a lot of sense to me. i have just signed up to do the course at the end of august. my parents offered to pay for it - it is not expensive, but i still wouldnt have been able to afford it if it wasnt for mom and dad. THANK YOU! so, that is another adventure to look forward to. i think it will be more useful (and a helluva lot cheaper!) than going to see a psychologist once a week for the next year.

anything else? oh yes! i was almost part of the practical exam for wannabe neurosurgeons. hee hee. i was asked by my doctor to be a 'patient' for these exams. sure, why not. i went to the hospital on friday, 9 may with a friendly professor of neurosurgery. he was going to examine me and then i would have to spend the day at the hospital on monday, 12 may while 3/4 young doctors examined me and tried to guess what was wrong with me. kinda mean considering how weird my case is. and that is exactly what the professors of neurosurgery decided! the friendly neurosurgeon examined me and found that everything is perfectly normal (YAY!) except for my reflexes. when you hit below my knee, my stomach muscles tighten and pull me forward and when you lie me on my back and bend my leg up then my body and neck lift up too. BIZARRE!! the friendly professor of neurosurgery was completely amazed. it was decided that if the professors couldn't explain my case then the poor students wouldnt have a chance. i like being bizarre! ;-)

BUT even more than that ... i am liking becoming "normal" again!

PS

oh yes! and i havent had a convulsion yet this month! no xanax (so far ...)! YAY!