since last i wrote i have been continuing with my daily routine. i eat my salad, go for walks, lie in the sun, swim in the pool and try and do something that keeps me entertained and makes me happy like; reading, writing or photography. i havent done any painting since i got home, but i am starting to feel 'the urge to paint' return. i have also been lucky to get some more work from my uncle, but that seems to have stopped now. my daily routine was, happily, disrupted by the arrival of an old friend who i havent seen in about 3 years.
she arrived on tuesday, 18 march and got dropped off at my house in the early afternoon. i was a bit nervous as i was the only entertainment she was going to have for at least 3 days. was i up to the task? i have become so used to my little routine that it was a bit 'weird' to suddenly have someone else with me all day. but it has been fantastic to see her and i think that it is good for me to be shaken outta my routine once in a while. i have to admit that i did find it quite tiring, sitting and talking with someone all day. but i soon got used to it.
i also managed to deal with some mild convulsions on wednesday, march 19 without xanax! YAY! i am trying to stick to my resolution ... a change in attitude ... i can think myself better! (or at least help myself along the way ;-). i havent managed to stick to the 'no-drinking' resolution, but i have been pretty responsible when i have drunk. i mean ... come on! an old friend comes to visit! how can i not drink?! i even managed to take her on a train trip to kalk bay on thursday, 20 march, which was very cool.
then it was the long easter weekend, friday 21 - monday 24 march. this was great as i got to spend some time with colin alone in the house as my mom went away and my friend went to stay with another friend of hers (i also slept A LOT). we had a braai (bbq) on saturday, 22 march, which was lots of fun although i was disappointed at the amount of people who cancelled at the last minute (this goes back to my last bitch session about how frustrated i have become with some unreliable people who just dont seem to want to make the effort - i constantly find myself trying to be social and organise to see people, but it doesnt often get reciprocated. when it does, it is invites to parties that people should know i cant go to (a) because i am sick and (b) because i dont have a car! OK, OK ... end of bitch session now ;-). but in the end it was better to have a smaller group of people and i managed to drink a whole bottle of rose wine by myself! ;-).
things were looking good. unfortunately i had some horrible convulsions in the early morning, on sunday, 23 march and had to take a xanax. i felt like i was giving up, but i suppose the drug still has its uses ... especially since i had to take it before going out with colin's dad and his step-mom that evening. i was sick again while out with them! how embarrassing!
and now? my friend is staying with another friend for a while, everyone is back at work and i have spent my first day in the house alone for a while. it feels a bit 'weird' now. but i'm sure i will be seeing my visiting friend and the friend she is staying with (who is on holiday) during this week. but i also need to focus on keeping my life 'on track'. i have to find some more work. the publishing company who wanted me to proofread two books for them hasnt contacted me in ages - wondering if they ever will - and the work from my uncle has dried up. i am also still busy mentally and physically preparing myself to start coming off the clonazepam. i don't really want to do it while my friend is visiting, but i'm starting to think that maybe i should just DO IT! the less fuss i make about it, the less it will bother me, psychologically - MAYBE?!
i had set the date for tuesday, april 1, but i feel strong NOW. maybe i should just start lowering the dosage without a big song and dance ... maybe that is the way to do it. i have such a burning desire to just fucking get better! i am planning to take 0.5 mg less every 2 weeks - WAY slower than the first time i tried. theoretically it should then take me 4 months. but no ... i think i will wait, especially since my period (sorry boys! ;-) is coming up and that always causes some hormone imbalances and loony behaviour.
OK, decided! 1 april it is ... dum dum dum!
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