MRI

January 6 2007

MRI image

The next step was an MRI on saturday. luckily colin could be there for this. i was tired of feeling small, alone and helpless. pretending to be brave when your heart is shivering with fear is exhausting. What we as humans often find the most terrifying is the strange and the unknown. i couldn't have found much more strange and unknown than weird brain tests in a taiwanese hospital for an ominous feeling mental condition.

looking at my MRI pictures, a friend once said to me, 'this is as real as the face you see in the mirror every day'. i find it all pretty amazing. i think it's pretty cool that i have pictures of 'inside my head' that i can share with others. looks just like the textbook drawings (or an alien).

MRI: first they have to insert a needle into your hand attached to a syringe filled with a contrast solution. this solution is injected at some point during the procedure to act as a contrast medium. it helps show your blood flow more clearly. the nurse who was doing this messed it up the first time, then she put the tourniquet around the same arm, so of course the wound she had made earlier started pumping blood. colin was completely useless :-), he felt faint and had to sit down at the sight of my red red blood flowing over the turquoise cushion. i felt strangely calm and detached. but not for long . . .

they put a hockey mask type thing over my head and pretty much padded me in, i couldn't move my head at all. then i got pushed into a narrow white tube. at this point i experienced the most intense claustrophobia i have ever felt. every nerve in my body wanted to kick and scream, 'LET ME OUT!'. i am not claustrophobic at all, but at that time i felt the most primeval, animal fear. this was wrong. perhaps this fear has survived inside humans since our ape days, it is one of our most basic self-preservation reactions at work. or, if you are not an evolutionist, then the experience could be likened to being pushed back up the birth canal. that's for all the feminists out there ;-) but as i am a civilised ape, my common-sense kicked in. i reminded myself that i had to do this. The biggest surprise is how loud an MRI is. i felt like i was in the nautilus, "20 000 leagues under the sea". listening to great knocking and fog horn sounds that seemed to move around me. i managed to find some of these sounds quite amusing and i think this helped me 'keep my cool'.

Then i had to wait until Monday for the results ...

Hospital

January 5 2007

I have just skimmed through my previous posts and realise that, already i sound bitter and angry, but i think that is also the part of the story where i experienced the most frustration and helplessness. now the better part of the story begins and hopefully my better nature will come through. but then i suppose if this experiment is supposed to be cathartic then my bitterness and anger should come out. but you can't be angry at the universe, what a waste of energy. i have always looked at all the bad experiences in my life (often catalysed by me!) as excellent learning experiences. i wouldn't change any of this as it has made me the person that i am and the person that i am becoming.

anyway, back to my narrative. i entered national taiwan university hospital early January, Friday 5th. whatta weird experience. i have never spent a long time in a hospital, especially a taiwanese one! i had to go and have all my vitals checked before actually getting into the ward. there were a lot of people checking into the hospital and there was a specific order to do everything in:

1) height and weight, i am 175cm and weigh 52 kg
2) pee in a cup (i had never done this before and didn't know that you are supposed to let the first bit of your pee go into the toilet - had to do it again later cos i messed up their sample, oops ;-)
3) get blood drawn.
4) get chest x-ray
5) get EKG, which checks your heart function. they put really cold metal paddles on your legs and arms and suction-cuppy things around your heart.
6) fill in forms etc. choose your hospital food, which we cancelled the next day. ugh! designed to make you feel more sick!

then i went to ward 5D, neurology. i was examined and questioned by different nurses and doctors several times with the same questions. partly because of the language barrier, but also because my symptoms were so numerous and strange. i also started having trouble remembering exact dates and some things there are just no words to describe. i started getting irritated, i must admit - not helped by my constant nausea, headaches etc etc. the doctors were confused and so was i. then my official doctor arrived, dr tai. he is a movement specialist and immediately started with a joke and questions about how i was doing emotionally. he is a lovely man, such a sweetheart. i think he was and is just worried about this poor little foreign girl stuck in taiwan without family and support.

I suppose i should explain that being a foreigner in taiwan is a bit like being a one-legged, albino, Somalian dwarf. You're kinda obvious and get stared at a lot as a source of great curiosity. many people are also nervous to speak to you because they are shy and worried that their english is not good enough. so i got a lot of giggling nurses coming in and stumbling through the message they had to deliver. often i had to pick my words carefully and speak slowly whenever i had to explain how i was feeling.

colin had gone to work, so i was led around the hospital by myself, by strangers who couldn't speak a word of english. i was having trouble walking and sometimes had to be supported by these strangers. i went from one test to another, they didn't waste any time. they tested my brain reactions to stimuli (electric shocks - pretty painful). after the test i would have to make my own way back to ward 5D and wait for the next person to take me to another part of the hospital for another test. so, their first hypothesis was 'wilson's disease' which is where you have too much copper in your blood. to check for this they look at your cornea to see if there is a yellow ring around it. the eye doctor was lovely and spoke excellent english. no to the 'wilson's disease'. then i had to try and find my way back, this time i couldn't. i wandered aimlessly for about 5 minutes, ended up back where i started and the nice doctor said 'wait here, i will call someone'. i started feeling like a lost dog. anonymous taiwanese people would come and pick me up, look at my tag and lead me home (ward 5D).