so, i am sleepless yet again. i form bad sleeping patterns very easily. well, after the breakdown of last night i woke up this morning, friday july 21 still disproportionately angry with my friends and just generally feeling incredibly sorry for myself. so, i did what i always do, i cried for about an hour. then i forced myself out of bed and started to try and pack things in a box for our move to our new flat in the hopes that this would cheer me up. it didn't, but at least it kept me busy. this amazes me, how can i feel this apathetic, this empty, this disillusioned all of a sudden? a few days ago just the mere thought of moving to the new flat would put a smile on my face. now i have no enthusiasm for it, or anything else. it's like i have died inside.
colin arrived home from work at 1pm and i managed to piss him off in the space of about 10 minutes, adding to my already blossoming self-hate. i had a dentists appointment at 2:30pm and then came home and slept off the xanax that i have to take before i go to the dentist. we had friends coming to visit at around 9pm and i didn't feel like seeing anybody. i just wanted to lie in bed and stare at the wall. i am so tired of being positive and strong, being social and trying to find the good things in my shitty situation. it's a shitty situation and i am now sick of pretending otherwise. my first few months of pride and bravery, of philosophical enlightenment have long since vanished.
colin invited a further two more male friends, who are loud and irritating the majority of the time, to drink at our flat. "this is not a good idea", i warned. these two louts could ruin what otherwise promised to be a lovely, calm evening with the couple who were originally coming to visit. i also knew that the louts would not get on well with our other friends, but it was a friday night. colin needs to have some fun.
a lot of alcohol was consumed and a lot of arguments followed until one of the guys stormed out of our house, slamming the door. the other guy remained and was pissing everybody off. i tried to sit in the room with everyone and be social, but things were too loud and hectic for me most of the time and i wasn't enjoying the company. i was feeling tired, woozy and very depressed that i couldn't drink and join in. eventually colin and the couple decided to get rid of the last lout and go to the couple's house to take drugs. colin needs this stress release. he wants to have some fun and party.
colin invited a further two more male friends, who are loud and irritating the majority of the time, to drink at our flat. "this is not a good idea", i warned. these two louts could ruin what otherwise promised to be a lovely, calm evening with the couple who were originally coming to visit. i also knew that the louts would not get on well with our other friends, but it was a friday night. colin needs to have some fun.
a lot of alcohol was consumed and a lot of arguments followed until one of the guys stormed out of our house, slamming the door. the other guy remained and was pissing everybody off. i tried to sit in the room with everyone and be social, but things were too loud and hectic for me most of the time and i wasn't enjoying the company. i was feeling tired, woozy and very depressed that i couldn't drink and join in. eventually colin and the couple decided to get rid of the last lout and go to the couple's house to take drugs. colin needs this stress release. he wants to have some fun and party.
hell yeah! i can understand that feeling! unfortunately i can't actually fucking do it! the other thing that makes me feel bad is that colin and i have had quite a few discussions where we both agreed that we don't really want to take drugs anymore. not after seeing how fragile the brain really is. and he had been to a party with this couple before where he took drugs and came home and told me he didn't enjoy it and didn't really want to do it anymore. but he was drunk and just wanted to have some fun. better than hanging around the house with boring old me.
i just wanted to cry, everybody was partying, bonding and having fun, leaving me in their dust. ha ha ha, see ya later sue! but "please don't cry or i will feel i have to stay". so, i didn't cry. i said goodbye to them, feeling completely abandoned, and then phoned my mother and bawled my eyes out. now i am sitting alone in my flat while my boyfriend is drinking, taking drugs and having a party. and what do i get to do, what is my fun? what is my stress relief? i get to sit and bitch and moan on my blog at 4am on saturday morning. not only am i not having fun, but i get to let everybody know what a selfish, pathetic, bitter, jealous little sick person i am.
i am so sick of this. i don't want to be here anymore. i don't want to deal with this. i can't deal with this. i don't know what else to do. i just can't stop crying.
i just wanted to cry, everybody was partying, bonding and having fun, leaving me in their dust. ha ha ha, see ya later sue! but "please don't cry or i will feel i have to stay". so, i didn't cry. i said goodbye to them, feeling completely abandoned, and then phoned my mother and bawled my eyes out. now i am sitting alone in my flat while my boyfriend is drinking, taking drugs and having a party. and what do i get to do, what is my fun? what is my stress relief? i get to sit and bitch and moan on my blog at 4am on saturday morning. not only am i not having fun, but i get to let everybody know what a selfish, pathetic, bitter, jealous little sick person i am.
i am so sick of this. i don't want to be here anymore. i don't want to deal with this. i can't deal with this. i don't know what else to do. i just can't stop crying.
