Everything started on friday, june 15. i was having a normal day until about 6pm. i started having the most awful convulsion. my body was thrashing around and contorting, my muscles screaming in pain, my head about to burst, i couldn't talk, i couldn't breathe, my brain trying to kill me. it lasted for an hour and i was terrified and so was dina. i actually lost consciousness for a second or two, which has never happened before and is always a danger sign. i ended up taking 2 xanax and 4 clonazepam. a lot more than i have taken before. i felt okay after taking the medication and once the burning in my brain and muscles had stopped.
colin had a school graduation show and was only going to come home late, maybe around 10pm. he phoned me and i told him about the terrible convulsion i had had and how scared i was. it was decided that i could let dina go home at about 8pm cos he would be home soon and i felt relaxed after taking all the medication. i let dina go home and lay down to watch something to try and keep my mind off what had just happened. i was trying very hard to pretend that i wasn't freaked out, that i was totally okay with being alone by myself in the house. after all, i am a confident, brave, independent woman right?
colin phoned at about 9:30pm. everybody is going out for a drink after the show, he'll be home by 11pm, 12am at the latest. "will you be okay?" of course, i was going to bed at about 10pm anyway and after our recent fights i knew that colin needed to spend time out with friends, he needed to relax and be away from me. i couldn't say no, i was trying my hardest to be thoughtful and understanding of his needs. no problem! so, i went to bed very drugged up. i woke up suddenly at 3am. not the lazy, gummy eyes, i need to pee kind of waking up, i was wide-awake, immediately. i have no idea why, it was very strange. i looked around the house, but colin wasn't home. i got a bit of a fright as i had expected him home at 12am at the latest, but he was obviously having lots of fun, which i'm sure he desperately needed. i was feeling a little unsettled and insecure being by myself in the dark flat. i hadn't seen anybody since i had had my horrible convulsion and dina had left so, i decided to phone colin just to hear his voice and find out where he was. i just needed a bit of reassurance.
i tried and tried, but i couldn't get hold of him. his cellphone wasn't even ringing. that is when i started losing it. i felt abandoned, scared, lonely, helpless, vulnerable. emotions that i recognised from a more insecure and depressing time of my life, one which i had thought was over and i did not want to remember, let alone relive. this is when i lost control, i started bawling and panicking. i was all alone, sick, still recovering from a traumatic experience earlier in the evening and with no idea where the one person i could rely on was or when he was coming home. i was angry with colin, i felt cheated and ignored. i was also angry with myself for being such a coward. so, i phoned the only person i had left on a friday night at 3am, mommy.
it was only 9pm in south africa so i knew she would be awake. i phoned her in hysterics, hyperventilating and wishing that i was safe at home. my mom was calm and caring, as always, and managed to calm me down after an hour and a half on the phone. i phoned the next morning to apologise and let her know i was okay after i realised how horrible it must've been for her, worrying, wanting to help her sick daughter, but being so far away.
now i felt i couldn't trust colin; he didn't really care, he was too busy getting drunk and having fun to remember me. he got home at 5am drunk out of his mind. i was spewing flame by the time he woke up on saturday, june 16. i was so angry with him, how could he let me down like that, the selfish bastard! i screamed at him and then he apologised, told me he had spent the whole night talking about me and had actually had his cellphone on the table in case i called, for some reason it just didn't work. i was very apologetic towards him and felt guilty for getting so angry. but the feelings of insecurity, loneliness, abandonment were still with me, deep down inside.
the rest of saturday and saturday night were pretty bad. i had eventually taken 4 xanax on friday and was emotionally unstable thanks to my period too. all the stress also made me feel sicker and caused more convulsions, so i was crying and depressed, suicidal all of saturday. colin was desperately trying to help me, but also getting frustrated and upset himself, understandably so. he had had a lovely friday night and then his drag of a girlfriend ruined it by starting a big fight and going crazy the whole of the next day. the xanax was blamed and it was decided that i should try and avoid taking the stuff. besides i had a friend coming to stay for five nights on sunday, june 17.
colin had a school graduation show and was only going to come home late, maybe around 10pm. he phoned me and i told him about the terrible convulsion i had had and how scared i was. it was decided that i could let dina go home at about 8pm cos he would be home soon and i felt relaxed after taking all the medication. i let dina go home and lay down to watch something to try and keep my mind off what had just happened. i was trying very hard to pretend that i wasn't freaked out, that i was totally okay with being alone by myself in the house. after all, i am a confident, brave, independent woman right?
colin phoned at about 9:30pm. everybody is going out for a drink after the show, he'll be home by 11pm, 12am at the latest. "will you be okay?" of course, i was going to bed at about 10pm anyway and after our recent fights i knew that colin needed to spend time out with friends, he needed to relax and be away from me. i couldn't say no, i was trying my hardest to be thoughtful and understanding of his needs. no problem! so, i went to bed very drugged up. i woke up suddenly at 3am. not the lazy, gummy eyes, i need to pee kind of waking up, i was wide-awake, immediately. i have no idea why, it was very strange. i looked around the house, but colin wasn't home. i got a bit of a fright as i had expected him home at 12am at the latest, but he was obviously having lots of fun, which i'm sure he desperately needed. i was feeling a little unsettled and insecure being by myself in the dark flat. i hadn't seen anybody since i had had my horrible convulsion and dina had left so, i decided to phone colin just to hear his voice and find out where he was. i just needed a bit of reassurance.
i tried and tried, but i couldn't get hold of him. his cellphone wasn't even ringing. that is when i started losing it. i felt abandoned, scared, lonely, helpless, vulnerable. emotions that i recognised from a more insecure and depressing time of my life, one which i had thought was over and i did not want to remember, let alone relive. this is when i lost control, i started bawling and panicking. i was all alone, sick, still recovering from a traumatic experience earlier in the evening and with no idea where the one person i could rely on was or when he was coming home. i was angry with colin, i felt cheated and ignored. i was also angry with myself for being such a coward. so, i phoned the only person i had left on a friday night at 3am, mommy.
it was only 9pm in south africa so i knew she would be awake. i phoned her in hysterics, hyperventilating and wishing that i was safe at home. my mom was calm and caring, as always, and managed to calm me down after an hour and a half on the phone. i phoned the next morning to apologise and let her know i was okay after i realised how horrible it must've been for her, worrying, wanting to help her sick daughter, but being so far away.
now i felt i couldn't trust colin; he didn't really care, he was too busy getting drunk and having fun to remember me. he got home at 5am drunk out of his mind. i was spewing flame by the time he woke up on saturday, june 16. i was so angry with him, how could he let me down like that, the selfish bastard! i screamed at him and then he apologised, told me he had spent the whole night talking about me and had actually had his cellphone on the table in case i called, for some reason it just didn't work. i was very apologetic towards him and felt guilty for getting so angry. but the feelings of insecurity, loneliness, abandonment were still with me, deep down inside.
the rest of saturday and saturday night were pretty bad. i had eventually taken 4 xanax on friday and was emotionally unstable thanks to my period too. all the stress also made me feel sicker and caused more convulsions, so i was crying and depressed, suicidal all of saturday. colin was desperately trying to help me, but also getting frustrated and upset himself, understandably so. he had had a lovely friday night and then his drag of a girlfriend ruined it by starting a big fight and going crazy the whole of the next day. the xanax was blamed and it was decided that i should try and avoid taking the stuff. besides i had a friend coming to stay for five nights on sunday, june 17.
