well, i have had the week from hell. my body and brain feel just like they did 2 months ago. i am having at least one or two convulsions a day, trouble walking etc etc, and popping the dreaded xanax constantly. the Noise from our friendly, neighbourhood construction sites has become completely unbearable and colin and i had a huge fight on wednesday night, which left me feeling incredibly guilty for being sick, being a burden and also for being a bad sick person. i so wish i could be like those brave, positive cancer patients you see on TV who, i know, have it waaay worse than me. i mean i know that one day, eventually, i will get better, but i am not one of those strong, positive saints. i am a self-involved coward and cry-baby. so, wednesday night saw me in tears to my mother in south africa, over the phone, "i can't do this, i am going crazy, i am so depressed, i am so stressed". and actually just letting it all out to my mom and hearing her calming voice over the phone was really helpful and colin and i had a good heart-to-heart, again. we reaffirmed our love and commitment to each other and realised that colin needs a 'stress-outlet' and i need to be more considerate of his feelings, again ;-).
this was followed by last night, thursday night, spasms and freak-out by yours truly at 5 am. i think what upset me the most was that the horrible pain and crawling pressure in my brain from two months ago had come back, and that scared me. i couldn't/can't go through all of that again! i hit 'rock bottom' last night, again! i am just so tired of dealing with this. all of my new, positive mental commitments went out the window; the plan that i had for dealing with this thing, god i can't even remember what it was.
every time i think i have pulled myself together and figured out a way to tackle the upcoming year i get thrown a curveball. why won't my brain just fuckin' behave?!! why can't i be a better, stronger person? these are dangerous questions to start asking yourself; it means you have lost the hope and belief that you can survive the trial. i want to pretend that i am handling all these difficulties with dignity and bravery, i wish i could. but i have to be honest, sometimes when i am losing my mind, screaming, crying and kicking, giving up; i feel i can look down on myself from above, and i just shake my head in disappointment. disappointing others is bad enough, but disappointing yourself - that's tough to come back from.
but there are some developments. colin, my 'knight in shining armour' (seriously), took the day off work today and has been trying to keep me away from complete insanity (with the help of xanax), while also helping scream at the builders who were happily sawing metal pipes with an electric saw all day. i think i got them though when i leaned out, breasts and all, and told the cunts to shut the fuck up (sorry mommy ;-). the other bit of good news is that we found a new apartment (wednesday)! cheap, quiet, close to work, in the mountains, beautiful, perfect! but we have to wait two months to move in! i had originally thought it was only one month and was already planning on how to pack up my stuff when colin dropped the bombshell (thursday). two more months of hell!
so why should i be freaking out about it now? i have been dealing with the Noise for so long. but i think it was the promise of entering a heaven that then moved further away from me, coupled with my physical relapse, that sent me over the edge. that and the realisation that i won't be able to go back to work in august, probably not even september. i tried so hard to pretend that i wasn't really that sick that i even fooled myself. "silly rabbit".
