i have been crying uncontrollably this morning. a mixture of sadness, frustration, confusion, happiness, fear, insecurity and a whole lotta other emotions that i cant even name. emotionally i am just feeling wobbly, WEIRD. not a good sign if i want to try and come off the clonazepam. i need to be in a very emotionally strong place to deal with the withdrawal symptoms, but i cant wait any longer. i am sticking to my date of may 1 come hell or high water!
why am i suddenly feeling so emotional? especially after the closure that i had with colin - i havent cried about him since that phone call. it is 'my time of the month', which always makes me a bit unstable and teary-eyed so that could be part of it, but i think the main reason is what i have been doing this weekend and how it has affected me mentally.
on friday, april 25 i went out with my mom, grandparents and uncle for my uncle's birthday. i had a fantastic time. ate delicious food, drank incredible wine (which i hadnt been planning to drink) and actually got pleasantly tipsy and verbose - maybe a bit too verbose ;-). i got home and i couldnt sleep. i was awake the entire night, refusing to take a xanax to help me sleep - which, in retrospect, was stupid - i lay in bed from 11 pm to 6 am listening to the ticking sound made by my japanese 'beckoning cat' whose arm waves up and down, sometimes trying to read and just feeling my brain going round and round without really thinking too hard. i dont know why i couldnt sleep. maybe it was the rich food and wine combo or this unnerving feeling of trepidation that wouldn't go away.
Long Street, Cape Town
i had plans to go 'out on the town' on saturday, april 26 so after running errands in the morning whilst feeling very ill and managing to stand in dog poo! aaah! i made sure to chill and rest the whole afternoon so that i would be ready for our girl's night out. i went with an old friend of mine and two of her friends. both lovely people - although i sometimes get the feeling that the one girl doesnt think much of me (stupid insecurity!). we went for great thai food and drank wine and then we continued on to two other fun bars, drinking cocktails and shooters (well, i stayed away from the shooters! but i shoulda stayed away from the mojito's too!).
it was the most amazing experience for me. i was running around the centre of town, full of vibey clubs and tonnes of people partying. i was part of the party! part of the fun for the first time in 18 months! it was overwhelming to suddenly be rushed back into my old lifestyle. everything is fast, fun, loud, colourful, drunken, CRAZY! packed with young people living life ... being normal! not a care in the world! oh my god, i was being normal! i didnt feel sick ... i didnt have to go home early. i got pretty drunk and spoke a lot of shit. i was having a ball and didnt want to go home when we did, i was in drunk, party girl mode (i'd forgotten what it felt like to be that girl!) ... i still hadnt danced! i hadnt flirted nearly enough! i didnt want the night to end!
i got home and just wanted to CRY (maybe i did?). i dont know why. obviously the booze had made me a bit emotional - especially mixed with my meds - and i was still upset that i was home when i didnt want to be. but i was also crying about colin?! the alcohol helped ... but i think it might also have been that i had always pictured me returning to partying life with him, that he would see me in all my fun, sexy glory again. i would be the girl that he fell in love with, i would be myself, i would be able to play with him! i would be normal! we could be normal together and all the horrible things that had happened to us would finally be in the past. but he wasnt there to share in my victory. BUT i really loved doing it with 'the girls' and i didnt miss him during the night? weird ... i dont even know what im feeling im so confused!
but maybe it was also a hollow victory. i woke up this morning feeling very unsettled. i cried for quite a while. i cried because i had had fun last night, but that fun also reminded me of the life i have lost since i have been sick. i felt frustrated because i know i am not fully healthy yet and i know that i dont have the freedom, the independence to play like i used to. i sound like a spoilt brat, i know. i should be happy at what i achieved last night, the fun i had, the cool places i went to ... i should appreciate how i am slowly recovering (and i do!). BUT, as i have said before, the more little tastes i get of that life, the more trapped i feel, the more impatient, angry, frustrated. im only human.
i think the other problem is also that i am actually scared of that freedom, of that independence. one day i will be able to do anything, but i have become so used to being sick, staying at home, leading a measured, controlled life. that feeling of freedom scares me, all that space, what if i fall over the edge?! everything was so familiar and yet uncontrollable, frightening. maybe i was scaring myself? i dont want to go back to getting embarrassingly drunk like i used to. i want to dance and have fun, but i want to control my drinking. i am aware of it, so hopefully i wont fall back into the same old self-destructive patterns that i keep criticising colin for.
but i am moaning too much, i think i was also crying because i was overwhelmed at being able to have such carefree fun again. it was a magical feeling. a gift. it is the same with sex. i always cried after having sex with colin, just because of the sheer joy, the intensity of being able to share something that intimate with the person that i loved so much - i wish i could still do that. things that have been denied me for so long; things that truly make me happy, make me feel free, just fucking make me feel normal are slowly returning and that causes unbelievable, indescribable joy!
i am crying tears of mind-blowing happiness and heart-wrenching sadness. just the simple freedom to 'do what you want', 'be who you truly are' that everyone takes for granted is coming back to me and the bliss is painful.
i had plans to go 'out on the town' on saturday, april 26 so after running errands in the morning whilst feeling very ill and managing to stand in dog poo! aaah! i made sure to chill and rest the whole afternoon so that i would be ready for our girl's night out. i went with an old friend of mine and two of her friends. both lovely people - although i sometimes get the feeling that the one girl doesnt think much of me (stupid insecurity!). we went for great thai food and drank wine and then we continued on to two other fun bars, drinking cocktails and shooters (well, i stayed away from the shooters! but i shoulda stayed away from the mojito's too!).it was the most amazing experience for me. i was running around the centre of town, full of vibey clubs and tonnes of people partying. i was part of the party! part of the fun for the first time in 18 months! it was overwhelming to suddenly be rushed back into my old lifestyle. everything is fast, fun, loud, colourful, drunken, CRAZY! packed with young people living life ... being normal! not a care in the world! oh my god, i was being normal! i didnt feel sick ... i didnt have to go home early. i got pretty drunk and spoke a lot of shit. i was having a ball and didnt want to go home when we did, i was in drunk, party girl mode (i'd forgotten what it felt like to be that girl!) ... i still hadnt danced! i hadnt flirted nearly enough! i didnt want the night to end!
i got home and just wanted to CRY (maybe i did?). i dont know why. obviously the booze had made me a bit emotional - especially mixed with my meds - and i was still upset that i was home when i didnt want to be. but i was also crying about colin?! the alcohol helped ... but i think it might also have been that i had always pictured me returning to partying life with him, that he would see me in all my fun, sexy glory again. i would be the girl that he fell in love with, i would be myself, i would be able to play with him! i would be normal! we could be normal together and all the horrible things that had happened to us would finally be in the past. but he wasnt there to share in my victory. BUT i really loved doing it with 'the girls' and i didnt miss him during the night? weird ... i dont even know what im feeling im so confused!
but maybe it was also a hollow victory. i woke up this morning feeling very unsettled. i cried for quite a while. i cried because i had had fun last night, but that fun also reminded me of the life i have lost since i have been sick. i felt frustrated because i know i am not fully healthy yet and i know that i dont have the freedom, the independence to play like i used to. i sound like a spoilt brat, i know. i should be happy at what i achieved last night, the fun i had, the cool places i went to ... i should appreciate how i am slowly recovering (and i do!). BUT, as i have said before, the more little tastes i get of that life, the more trapped i feel, the more impatient, angry, frustrated. im only human.
i think the other problem is also that i am actually scared of that freedom, of that independence. one day i will be able to do anything, but i have become so used to being sick, staying at home, leading a measured, controlled life. that feeling of freedom scares me, all that space, what if i fall over the edge?! everything was so familiar and yet uncontrollable, frightening. maybe i was scaring myself? i dont want to go back to getting embarrassingly drunk like i used to. i want to dance and have fun, but i want to control my drinking. i am aware of it, so hopefully i wont fall back into the same old self-destructive patterns that i keep criticising colin for.
but i am moaning too much, i think i was also crying because i was overwhelmed at being able to have such carefree fun again. it was a magical feeling. a gift. it is the same with sex. i always cried after having sex with colin, just because of the sheer joy, the intensity of being able to share something that intimate with the person that i loved so much - i wish i could still do that. things that have been denied me for so long; things that truly make me happy, make me feel free, just fucking make me feel normal are slowly returning and that causes unbelievable, indescribable joy!
i am crying tears of mind-blowing happiness and heart-wrenching sadness. just the simple freedom to 'do what you want', 'be who you truly are' that everyone takes for granted is coming back to me and the bliss is painful.
