I just had a friend visit whom i haven't seen or spoken to in about a month. she came wailing through my door. she is scared because she is falling in love with this boy she has been going out with for 6 months. i listened to her moaning and complaining for 2 hours about how wonderful the guy is, but how guilty she feels when she upsets him and how she doesn't know if she is ready to fall in love again. blah blah blah blah blah. i counseled her for 2 hours. she eventually stopped crying and then left to go out and drink with her girlfriends; *poof* and she was gone.
all the while i was thinking, you selfish bitch. you come here, moaning about your 'invented' issues with a great guy whom you are falling in love with. you don't ask me how i am, yet you know that i have been going through a nervous breakdown and am struggling with depression. that i am desperately trying to deal with feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, boredom, frustration, fear, guilt, intense fucking loneliness (well, she didn't know that much because she never bothered to find out). i can't walk, i can't work, i can't party with my friends, i can't have sex. my relationship is so fucked up and hectic right now, you couldn't even imagine!
the worst part was that i was actually looking forward to her visit. i had such a great time with my other friend who came to stay and colin is going out tonight so i'm going to be alone. i thought, "it'll be good for me to have a little friendly company to cheer me up and get me through my upcoming saturday night alone in the house". but i just felt sucked dry, used and then thrown away. i am still emotionally raw so after she left i was in tears, colin talked to me about it and calmed me down. i realised this particular friend had not made me happy, made me feel good about myself, relaxed, supported or loved for a long time. i don't want vacuous, selfish people like that in my life. i can spot a genuine, warm, caring person a mile away and i can't see her. i have friends like this, we can have a conversation that flows naturally. there is give and take in the relationship and we make each other feel special. we spend a good couple of hours talking and bonding (i see this other friend once a month for two hours - i am an afterthought, a charity case. she hasn't felt like my friend in a long time)
after calming down i decided to call my friend. no arguing, nothing nasty. i just said that i'd prefer if she didn't visit me anymore, that i was going through a difficult time and needed a certain type of person around me (a real friend). she didn't understand (of course), but was apologetic (which made me feel bad). then she said that i had helped her a lot with her boyfriend issues. i am glad that i could help her and she said when i want i can still call her. maybe it is a good thing for me to help others with their problems even if they seem miniscule in comparison with mine. it'll give me a sense of purpose, perspective or something ... i don't know.
here is where the self-doubt comes in. am i just being selfish myself? it can't always be about me. everybody has problems and everything is relative. just because i am really sick and feeling sorry for myself doesn't mean that everything should be about me. i have learnt to sympathise with colin and try and give him support and i do feel that i listen to others' problems and try and help. i know for sure that i don't talk and bitch about myself all the time. do i?
i have just, temporarily, lost faith in myself hence the self-doubt, self-loathing, self-pity, depression. i am scared to be alone tonight, but there was a time when i wasn't. i will get back there again, it's just gonna take some time. i just don't think there is a right or wrong answer to any of the questions burning holes in my brain right now. all i know is i need to do what is best for me, keep friends around me who are good for me; even if they are few and often, far away.
all the while i was thinking, you selfish bitch. you come here, moaning about your 'invented' issues with a great guy whom you are falling in love with. you don't ask me how i am, yet you know that i have been going through a nervous breakdown and am struggling with depression. that i am desperately trying to deal with feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, boredom, frustration, fear, guilt, intense fucking loneliness (well, she didn't know that much because she never bothered to find out). i can't walk, i can't work, i can't party with my friends, i can't have sex. my relationship is so fucked up and hectic right now, you couldn't even imagine!
the worst part was that i was actually looking forward to her visit. i had such a great time with my other friend who came to stay and colin is going out tonight so i'm going to be alone. i thought, "it'll be good for me to have a little friendly company to cheer me up and get me through my upcoming saturday night alone in the house". but i just felt sucked dry, used and then thrown away. i am still emotionally raw so after she left i was in tears, colin talked to me about it and calmed me down. i realised this particular friend had not made me happy, made me feel good about myself, relaxed, supported or loved for a long time. i don't want vacuous, selfish people like that in my life. i can spot a genuine, warm, caring person a mile away and i can't see her. i have friends like this, we can have a conversation that flows naturally. there is give and take in the relationship and we make each other feel special. we spend a good couple of hours talking and bonding (i see this other friend once a month for two hours - i am an afterthought, a charity case. she hasn't felt like my friend in a long time)
after calming down i decided to call my friend. no arguing, nothing nasty. i just said that i'd prefer if she didn't visit me anymore, that i was going through a difficult time and needed a certain type of person around me (a real friend). she didn't understand (of course), but was apologetic (which made me feel bad). then she said that i had helped her a lot with her boyfriend issues. i am glad that i could help her and she said when i want i can still call her. maybe it is a good thing for me to help others with their problems even if they seem miniscule in comparison with mine. it'll give me a sense of purpose, perspective or something ... i don't know.
here is where the self-doubt comes in. am i just being selfish myself? it can't always be about me. everybody has problems and everything is relative. just because i am really sick and feeling sorry for myself doesn't mean that everything should be about me. i have learnt to sympathise with colin and try and give him support and i do feel that i listen to others' problems and try and help. i know for sure that i don't talk and bitch about myself all the time. do i?
i have just, temporarily, lost faith in myself hence the self-doubt, self-loathing, self-pity, depression. i am scared to be alone tonight, but there was a time when i wasn't. i will get back there again, it's just gonna take some time. i just don't think there is a right or wrong answer to any of the questions burning holes in my brain right now. all i know is i need to do what is best for me, keep friends around me who are good for me; even if they are few and often, far away.
