i have broken my resolution already. in fact, i broke it a few times. i spoke to colin. i could hardly avoid it since he stayed in my house until friday, 28 march. he also brought me chocolate and kept coming and trying to speak to me. this was horribly upsetting as the last thing i needed was to see the person that i loved, the person i trusted, the person i thought i had a future with after he had dumped me. i had puffy red eyelids and was crying all the time and i knew that i had to get away from colin.
i organised to spend the night with a friend who was house sitting a house just down the road from me. i didnt know when colin was moving out and i needed to get away. i was walking up the road on friday, 28 march praying that i wasnt going to see colin. but there he was, walking down from the train station. dammit! i thought i would be able to miss him! i said hi and told him i was going to stay with a friend. he said he had bought me a pie and got upset when i didnt want to eat it with him. so, being the sucker i am. i went down the road, back to my house and sat and ate a pie across from the man who had just shattered my heart. i started crying, he wanted to make me tea and i knew i had to leave. this is not healthy! this is not right! i cant see you!
"i'm trying to be nice" he says. you just broke my heart, said horrible things to me and now you want to be nice to me?! what universe do you live in?! i ended up spending the whole weekend with my friend, which did me the world of good. colin went out with a friend and stayed at this friend's house for the weekend. then i got an sms to say that he would be staying with this friend until he could find his own flat and that he would be coming to collect some of his things.
i went home on sunday, 30 march, but i was going out again with my dad to watch a concert. a concert that we had bought a ticket for colin too! i was feeling tired and not quite so weepy as i had been. colin came to fetch his stuff, drop off the keys and give me the R1000 that he owed me. he tried to talk to me. saying things like, "you know this had to happen. this is better." blah blah blah! all things that he had probably been telling himself for ages. he is practical and i am too emotional and romantic. i wasnt interested in talking to him. it's already been done ...
he left and i enjoyed the concert with my dad and also managed to see my visiting friend one last time before she left, which made me very happy. i woke up on monday morning, 31 march and i didnt start crying! i was already starting to feel stronger. i am a wonderful person and i deserve to be treated with love and respect ALL the time, not just some of the time. i made sure to get in contact with friends and make plans to see people so i wouldn't just be hanging around the house by myself crying all the time. actually, it is kinda nice being on my own. not having someone constantly remarking on what i am doing, constantly criticising. i need to be on my own for a while. single is good! i also got a little job doing some proofreading. it doesn't pay a lot of money, but it isn't stressful and i can do it in my own time.
colin sent me an sms on tuesday, 1 march saying how sorry he was and that he was sad and hoped that i was ok. i didnt respond ... i had made a resolution, remember! NO contact! i was better off without him!
then all of a sudden its not ok! my mom went to class last night and i was alone. i had been alone all day and then i was alone at night. i started crying. i missed him. i was lonely. i love him, for fuck's sake! i was woken up early this morning and couldnt get back to sleep. i ended up in tears ... thinking about everything that had happened ... all we had gone through. from when we first got together and had fun to when i was sick and scared in hospital and he was my only support. i sent him an email at 5am. i wish i hadnt! i broke my resolution! NO contact!
today i am crying like i was last week. this is going to take a long time, but i am staying firm. i cried a lot while i was going out with colin. 3 years of crying. this is going to be the last time i cry for him. we can never go back. I can never go back. but man, it hurts like HELL! i was convinced that we were going to be together for a long time. i was happy. i was convinced that he loved me. that he was committed to me. i wanted our relationship to work so badly! all of that has just crumbled from under my feet. i'm so disappointed in how easily he gave up on us that i dont believe his heart was truly in it from the start.
i know i am strong. i know i will be ok, EVENTUALLY. but right now ... i'm dissolving in tears. i have to go to a party tomorrow night. i will be seeing some people that i havent seen in years. i dont know if i am looking forward to it. yes, i had brain surgery, am still sick and living with my mother, cant drive, dont have a proper job ... oh, and my boyfriend just dumped me. what a WINNER i am.
