so, how's old sue doin' these days? hmmm ... good and bad, as is usually the case with life. i have given up on the book writing for the moment as well as the painting, beading etc. i feel pretty uninspired, unmotivated. what i can do is still work and read. i do a lot of reading, and walking. oh and i socialise quite a lot still too! i guess i am just really tired of entertaining myself at home alone all day although i do try and appreciate this holiday that i am having. but when it comes to seeing friends etc ... i am as happy as a pig in shit - the life of the party! and thereby hangs a tail.
on friday, june 20 i went to two friends' birthday party. they have been going out forever and they also happen to share the same birthday. so cute! i had a fantastic time at this party, got drunk, spoke shit to everyone, cemented new friendships and met more lovely people. as usual, i was still wanting to continue the party at about 4am when everyone else was ready to go home. but i found a partner in crime (although i dont remember exactly how it came about ;-). this partner in crime happened to be the younger brother of a guy i had gone to school with. how much younger? about 4 years ... anyway, we ended up driving around in his car looking for more booze. we were on the way to my house to pick up a bottle of wine and stopped at a park. it was the most beautiful morning. there was a full moon and mist swirling amongst the pine trees. magical! narnia! we kissed under the moonlight. wonderful!
on friday, june 20 i went to two friends' birthday party. they have been going out forever and they also happen to share the same birthday. so cute! i had a fantastic time at this party, got drunk, spoke shit to everyone, cemented new friendships and met more lovely people. as usual, i was still wanting to continue the party at about 4am when everyone else was ready to go home. but i found a partner in crime (although i dont remember exactly how it came about ;-). this partner in crime happened to be the younger brother of a guy i had gone to school with. how much younger? about 4 years ... anyway, we ended up driving around in his car looking for more booze. we were on the way to my house to pick up a bottle of wine and stopped at a park. it was the most beautiful morning. there was a full moon and mist swirling amongst the pine trees. magical! narnia! we kissed under the moonlight. wonderful!
anyway, we ended up back at his flat, drinking wine and talking and kissing and singing along to cat stevens until about 11am, saturday june 21. we passed out. woke up. had sex - yes, the first sex i have had since colin and i broke up. woo hoo! freedom! since then i spent the night with him on tuesday, june 24 (more and better sex ;-)and then we went to simonstown, a lovely coastal area of cape town, the next day for lunch. it was a beautiful, sunny winter's day. then i spent the whole of last weekend, friday june 27 - sunday, june 29 with him house sitting his parents' beautiful house. we surprised ourselves by getting drunk on the friday night and staying up all night talking and playing. then the saturday night we got movies and pizza. sigh. what a great weekend! and he even said so! he sent me an sms on monday, june 30 saying what a wonderful time he had had. we sms'ed back and forth a bit and ended with a "see you soon".
he is a lovely guy. sincere. honest. friendly. deep. fun. uninhibited. 24 years old. he isn't ready for the kind of serious relationship that i am ultimately looking for, but he is good for me now. no expectations. no pressure. no promises or lies that can be broken. no bullshit confessions of undying love. just a lotta fun. we have a lot in common and we get on really well. it's good for now.
BUT - there's always a but! now, i am feeling edgy about things - including him (i haven't heard from him in 2 days! big deal!). i think it is partly insecurity and the fact that i have far too much time to myself to sit and brood, but i have also realised tonight that it is also clonazepam withdrawals again. i started tapering my dosage almost 2 weeks ago. it takes at least a week before i feel any withdrawal effects. at the moment i am taking 2mg a day vs. my original 4mg. HOORAY! i've halved the dosage at least. BUT, this morning i woke up with my right bottom eyelid twitching. it has been twitching all day as i try and work, read, cook, watch TV etc. i have been feeling a tiny bit edgy, but i was admonishing myself for being nervous, impatient and insecure about this new boy i have found. during the day i have been having some minor muscle spasms, especially my neck, right arm and twitching of my right hand. things are seeming a little unreal - my brain is twitching, my body is twitching, my emotions are twitching (i had a little crying outburst earlier). i decided to look up eye twitching ... it is neurological in origin and can be a symptom of benzodiazepine withdrawal (follow the link - very NB). AH HA! the fucking clonazepam!
god how i hate it. if anybody EVER offers you a benzodiazepine - say NO!! the cipramil is definitely helping and for the rest of the symptoms - i am just gonna have to get used to twitching or learn how to stop it. as for the boy - he likes me and i like him. tomorrow i am going to send him a cute sms in chinese - he doesnt know the language but loves that i can speak it ;-). and this weekend? i probably wont see him as i have plans with friends ... i have thought of ending things - but why? i might as well continue to have some 'no-strings attached' fun. as long as i dont start twitching in front of him ;-).
