two and a half years together can't just be extinguished like that so of course the saga of colin and my break up has been continuing. i spent 3 days crying my eyes out and ranting to anyone who would listen. but it felt good in a weird way, i was purging myself of all the negative feelings, all the hurt and depression that came with our relationship and that always comes after a break up. i didnt hear from colin for 3 days. i thought i was well on my way to getting over him already.
then he phoned on saturday, december 22. our mutual friends wanted to see me. i didnt answer, mainly because i was busy talking to other friends on the phone about the break up. eventually he left a message saying he would give these friends my phone number and they could call me. yes, if they had really wanted to see me they would have done that right at the beginning of the week! (they never called.) i thought about it as rationally as i could and decided that i should call and speak to colin just to clarify that he did know we had broken up and just so i could get some closure. "colin, you do know we've broken up, don't you?"
"yes."
"is that all you have to say after everything we've been through?"
"well, i dont want to break up." (HUH?!)
"but you ignored me, acted like you didnt care."
"i was very angry and i have been angry for the last 3 days."
eventually, inevitably the conversation turned into a fight where he insulted me and i hung up the phone in disgust. i had been grieving for the last 3 days and then he tells me he wants to come and visit so we can try and sort things out. how could he not understand that after the pain of the last 3 days i wasnt going to just say "okay!" and let him waltz back into my life again.
but i still loved him and all the wonderful qualities that he has. so i sent him a message suggesting that we not fight anymore and hoping that we can be friends. "yes," he agrees. fantastic! i felt much better. i had had some form of closure and even though i was still horribly miserable that things had ended between us, at least we would still be in touch. i didnt want there to be any animosity or weirdness between us. he could continue getting fucked out of his mind with his mates and i could slowly start to heal both emotionally and physically. i have to focus on the small joys i am allowed and not think about the things that i am missing out on.
then i got an sms the next day, sunday, december 23. he wanted to talk to me the next morning on skype. "maybe" i replied and i meant it. a friend and i were planning a trip to the beach so i didnt think i would be at home in the morning. monday morning, december 24 it was pouring with rain so, no beach. i could chat to colin on skype. i was over him already, i could just chat to him as a friend. i was happy with the little life i was slowly building around me, with the vague plans i had for the future. i wanted to be single. it was going to be good for me. so we chatted. i deliberately avoided any talk about our relationship although i could feel he wanted to bring it up. i was excited to see my dad's side of the family on christmas day, tuesday, december 25 and even more excited to see my mom's side of the family on wednesday, december 26.
i got an sms from colin wishing me merry christmas on the tuesday. i was busy with family and happy so i quickly replied. then i got an sms on wednesday morning, can we talk? maybe after my family lunch i replied. i had a wonderful time with both sides of my family and was very happy when all my cousins, aunts and uncles left at 9 pm on wednesday night after a 9 hour lunch. I LOVE MY FAMILY! it was late and i was tired and decided that the sensible thing would be to just leave colin until the next day. but because i still love him, am addicted to him, i called him after everyone had left. he was very drunk with some friends and he ended up insulting me again and i hung up. that was IT! no more communication between us. i couldnt take it. the emotional see-sawing was causing stress and making me sick.
this stress has been causing terrible insomnia and convulsions. i now take a xanax every night in an attempt to stave off the convulsions and get some sleep. it doesn't always work ... i actually had the most terrifying of any of my convulsions at 6 am on thursday, december 26. my mom had to sit and watch me while my body writhed in agony, pulled into deformed shapes by my brain and then shaken so violently i felt my neck would break. i was very close to losing consciousness a few times and i honestly thought that this was it, the end. i had put too much pressure on my brain and now i was going to die. i will never forget how i felt that morning; helpless, terrified, depressed, hopeless. i didnt care if i died. i was too weak to deal with my physical and emotional sicknesses anymore. i just wanted it all to end. but i didnt die and i ended up having a lovely christmas lunch that day (december 26) which was then poisoned by yet another fight with colin.
Beautiful Cape Town
i was a glutton for punishment. i had to leave the man alone, ignore him. he started calling the very next morning, thursday, december 27 and like the suicidal moth to the flame i eventually gave in and called him. we fought. i hung up. then i called again and tried to explain my feelings to him, how i wanted something, someone different for my life. we both love each other very much and are both very sad that things arent working, but it just isnt meant to be and we are wrong for each other in so many ways, but we will remain friends. i then went to the beach with a friend and had a beautiful day. was invited to have a braai (bbq) with them, but couldnt because i am still sick. AAAARGH!
this morning i woke up. i have fun plans for this weekend. lots of things to look forward to, but all i could think about was colin. how much i love him, how much i miss him, how much we have been through together, how maybe there was still a chance for us. i broke down and called him, crying. he was very sweet and told me that he was glad i had called and although i berated myself for being so weak as to call him i did get what i wanted from the phone call. a little bit of love and comfort. i still think it is a good thing that we have broken up. i am still glad that i am single. but i am still glad that we can talk.
then he phoned on saturday, december 22. our mutual friends wanted to see me. i didnt answer, mainly because i was busy talking to other friends on the phone about the break up. eventually he left a message saying he would give these friends my phone number and they could call me. yes, if they had really wanted to see me they would have done that right at the beginning of the week! (they never called.) i thought about it as rationally as i could and decided that i should call and speak to colin just to clarify that he did know we had broken up and just so i could get some closure. "colin, you do know we've broken up, don't you?"
"yes."
"is that all you have to say after everything we've been through?"
"well, i dont want to break up." (HUH?!)
"but you ignored me, acted like you didnt care."
"i was very angry and i have been angry for the last 3 days."
eventually, inevitably the conversation turned into a fight where he insulted me and i hung up the phone in disgust. i had been grieving for the last 3 days and then he tells me he wants to come and visit so we can try and sort things out. how could he not understand that after the pain of the last 3 days i wasnt going to just say "okay!" and let him waltz back into my life again.
but i still loved him and all the wonderful qualities that he has. so i sent him a message suggesting that we not fight anymore and hoping that we can be friends. "yes," he agrees. fantastic! i felt much better. i had had some form of closure and even though i was still horribly miserable that things had ended between us, at least we would still be in touch. i didnt want there to be any animosity or weirdness between us. he could continue getting fucked out of his mind with his mates and i could slowly start to heal both emotionally and physically. i have to focus on the small joys i am allowed and not think about the things that i am missing out on.
then i got an sms the next day, sunday, december 23. he wanted to talk to me the next morning on skype. "maybe" i replied and i meant it. a friend and i were planning a trip to the beach so i didnt think i would be at home in the morning. monday morning, december 24 it was pouring with rain so, no beach. i could chat to colin on skype. i was over him already, i could just chat to him as a friend. i was happy with the little life i was slowly building around me, with the vague plans i had for the future. i wanted to be single. it was going to be good for me. so we chatted. i deliberately avoided any talk about our relationship although i could feel he wanted to bring it up. i was excited to see my dad's side of the family on christmas day, tuesday, december 25 and even more excited to see my mom's side of the family on wednesday, december 26.
i got an sms from colin wishing me merry christmas on the tuesday. i was busy with family and happy so i quickly replied. then i got an sms on wednesday morning, can we talk? maybe after my family lunch i replied. i had a wonderful time with both sides of my family and was very happy when all my cousins, aunts and uncles left at 9 pm on wednesday night after a 9 hour lunch. I LOVE MY FAMILY! it was late and i was tired and decided that the sensible thing would be to just leave colin until the next day. but because i still love him, am addicted to him, i called him after everyone had left. he was very drunk with some friends and he ended up insulting me again and i hung up. that was IT! no more communication between us. i couldnt take it. the emotional see-sawing was causing stress and making me sick.
this stress has been causing terrible insomnia and convulsions. i now take a xanax every night in an attempt to stave off the convulsions and get some sleep. it doesn't always work ... i actually had the most terrifying of any of my convulsions at 6 am on thursday, december 26. my mom had to sit and watch me while my body writhed in agony, pulled into deformed shapes by my brain and then shaken so violently i felt my neck would break. i was very close to losing consciousness a few times and i honestly thought that this was it, the end. i had put too much pressure on my brain and now i was going to die. i will never forget how i felt that morning; helpless, terrified, depressed, hopeless. i didnt care if i died. i was too weak to deal with my physical and emotional sicknesses anymore. i just wanted it all to end. but i didnt die and i ended up having a lovely christmas lunch that day (december 26) which was then poisoned by yet another fight with colin.
Beautiful Cape Town
i was a glutton for punishment. i had to leave the man alone, ignore him. he started calling the very next morning, thursday, december 27 and like the suicidal moth to the flame i eventually gave in and called him. we fought. i hung up. then i called again and tried to explain my feelings to him, how i wanted something, someone different for my life. we both love each other very much and are both very sad that things arent working, but it just isnt meant to be and we are wrong for each other in so many ways, but we will remain friends. i then went to the beach with a friend and had a beautiful day. was invited to have a braai (bbq) with them, but couldnt because i am still sick. AAAARGH!this morning i woke up. i have fun plans for this weekend. lots of things to look forward to, but all i could think about was colin. how much i love him, how much i miss him, how much we have been through together, how maybe there was still a chance for us. i broke down and called him, crying. he was very sweet and told me that he was glad i had called and although i berated myself for being so weak as to call him i did get what i wanted from the phone call. a little bit of love and comfort. i still think it is a good thing that we have broken up. i am still glad that i am single. but i am still glad that we can talk.
and yet i keep singing this song to myself, "it's all just a little bit of history repeating ..."
