Attitude

so i guess its about time for me to write another update after my last rant. obviously i have a lot of negative repressed feelings that seem to burst out of me once in a while, normally when i have a set-back and get physically sick again. im starting to think that what i need is a punching bag rather than a shrink. something that i can take all my sadness, frustration, anger and bitterness out on. but first i need to acknowledge what i am bitter and angry about.

obviously my incapacitation thanks to my illness (no sex, no dancing, no normality) and the terror and pain of my convulsions is a huge factor, but there is so much else. my guilt at being a burden, on my mom and colin especially. my jealousy of other people (even my friends) who can work and play normally. the fight with my sister; her bizarre behaviour has deeply upset me. i feel betrayed and angry. but i am trying to let go of those feelings towards her. i have sent her an email invite to a braai (BBQ) that colin and i are planning. i have to learn to let go of all this hatred, this anger that i have inside me and i am starting with my sister. even if i dont get a reply, at least i will know that i extended the olive branch. i attempted to rekindle some kind of relationship.

i have also started going for daily walks around my neighbourhood. not only is this good exercise for me, but it helps my cabin fever and is a great form of meditation. just wish i could go running. so, as always after some bad times, i am trying to implement some changes, trying to realign my brain, my attitude, my thinking. i am going to be sick for a long time still. it is not a straight road, but i am strong enough to deal with the set-backs and i will eventually get better. what is important to me is that i enjoy the now, this now where i am fine. then i can 'store up' the good times, like dinner with friends and having fun with colin to get me through the bad times. i keep getting ahead of myself, but i must remember that things will get difficult again. i will get sick again. i just have to be prepared for it.

now i am ok but, i was pretty sick last week still and had really awful spasms on saturday, 1 march where i was vomiting really violently. this was very upsetting for me as colin and i were supposed to be having dinner with his dad and step-mom. i gulped down a xanax and got dressed ... making sure i brushed my teeth. i was determined to go. i wasnt going to let this bloody little AVM dictate my life! i did go, but had to be taken home early because i became sick. at least i tried.

my convulsions have changed slightly ... there is a shift in my brain and i can feel the pressure and the crawling, i can feel the nausea building, the disorientation recurring. my body is not my own ... this i am used to, but when i experience new symptoms ... this is scary. what if things are going wrong?! what if i am going to die?! OR what if my brain is healing? - let's focus on that one. as my blood finds new pathways to navigate, as my brain learns to function in a different way to how it has always functioned it is inevitable that i will experience both positive and negative physical reactions. my brain is still learning, it is still healing. i have to be 'patient'. fuck, i hate that word. as if being 'patient' for one year wasnt enough! but it wasnt, and no amount of complaining from me is gonna change that.

so, i'm trying to toughen myself up ...no more crying and pity parties, only positive actions. attempts at positive thoughts (lets see if i can do it). i am still trying to be as social as possible and have been seeing friends and really trying extra hard to stay in contact with people. i am waiting to start doing some proofreading work for a publishing company and until then i am going to continue to walk, suntan, swim, read, watch, laugh, talk, love, live.

and then ... i am going to come off this bloody clonazepam. BUT i know that i have to be in a very strong mental place before i attempt that again so i am going to see a psychiatrist on monday, 10 march to try and come up with a way of weaning me off it sloooowly.

i'll let you know how the appointment goes ... ;-)

PS. colin and i will hopefully have a car within the next month or two. fingers crossed!