monday, 10 march at 4pm. that was my appointment time with the psychiatrist. i didn't even know his name, all i really wanted was someone who had a bit more insight into benzodiazepines and could hopefully help me successfully come off the bloody clonazepam. i tried to sleep off most of my hangover from sunday and tried to get rid of the cartoonish, puffy, red eyelids i had created thanks to all my hysterical crying the night before. by the afternoon i had pulled myself together after a reminder from a good friend that there is "NO guilt! ONLY lessons!!!" very true! i was ready to meet the psychiatrist.
i have already started this week ... on tuesday, march 11 i went to the dentist. the drilling and the local anaesthetic always makes me feel sick afterwards so, i have been suffering from some horrible nausea and some spasms in the last few days. colin just tells me to take a xanax, but i dont need to ... all i have to do is lie quietly in bed and the nausea and spasms will go away. i dont want to be so reliant on drugs anymore ... i can will myself better. i can will myself positive. WATCH ME! i am superwoman!
he turned out to be a lovely, soft-spoken man with the gentle, bearded face of everyone's favourite uncle. he listened to my story, asked some intelligent questions and made some astute observations. he explained that the mind-body link is very strong and that sometimes it is difficult to tell which is causing which. obviously i am depressed, i have always had a mercurial personality .. maybe i am even a bit manic. i have my insecurities (as does everyone). in truth; i am slightly mad, a little bit unbalanced, marginally off-kilter. he suggested, as i also know, that perhaps the spasms were being caused by my emotional instability ... when i feel stressed and depressed then i have convulsions. yes, i agree. sometimes.
BUT i saw what he was angling towards ... do i sometimes suffer from insomnia? etc etc ... he was going through the 'signs of depression check-list'. and yes, "ladies and gentlemen! sue is the proud winner! she is depressed and needs to go on a drug to help her! a round of applause for her and her lovely shrink! ladies and gentlemen!" cypramol. it is a low-level serotonin booster and might help to stabilise my moods (i have friends who take it/ have taken it). the psychiatrist was very nice when he suggested it ... he suggested it might help me come off the clonazepam. he also suggested a MUCH slower dosage reduction of the clonazepam than did my neurosurgeon.
he did leave the final decision up to me. my immediate reaction was NO! i have been sick and experienced horrifying pain and suffering, terrifying psychological and emotional trauma. i am still getting through it - OF COURSE i am a bit crazy! but i have gotten this far without resorting to anti-depressants ... i dont want to start taking them now. he was very understanding of this and it was decided that i would try and come off the clonazepam by myself for a month (starting in April as i have a friend coming to stay with me next week - dont wanna be coming off some weird drug while she is here!). if things dont go well then i can go back to him and try the anti-depressant.
i came home and discussed it with my mom and colin. they both think i should go on the cypramol and i nearly changed my mind. but i have been thinking about it this week and i dont want to use this anti-depressant. i believe that i can beat the clonazepam by myself. as soon as i take the anti-depressant then i will be numbed, i wont be myself, how will i know if what i am feeling is real? its almost like giving up to me. i have been through so much already, i have proved how strong i can be. i know i can do this by myself. mentally and emotionally, i am strong enough!
i have had so many drugs rammed down my throat by doctors (most of which haven't worked - including the clonazepam!). i am trying to get rid of them. not take more! i know i can make myself better ... i am mentally strong. i understand the things that make me depressed and i know what i need to do to try and avoid that depression. i also know what to expect from the clonazepam withdrawal now. the mind-body link works both ways and i believe that my physical suffering is what makes me upset more often than the other way around. i just need to be strong, stay calm and deal with my physical symptoms as they come.
BUT i saw what he was angling towards ... do i sometimes suffer from insomnia? etc etc ... he was going through the 'signs of depression check-list'. and yes, "ladies and gentlemen! sue is the proud winner! she is depressed and needs to go on a drug to help her! a round of applause for her and her lovely shrink! ladies and gentlemen!" cypramol. it is a low-level serotonin booster and might help to stabilise my moods (i have friends who take it/ have taken it). the psychiatrist was very nice when he suggested it ... he suggested it might help me come off the clonazepam. he also suggested a MUCH slower dosage reduction of the clonazepam than did my neurosurgeon.
he did leave the final decision up to me. my immediate reaction was NO! i have been sick and experienced horrifying pain and suffering, terrifying psychological and emotional trauma. i am still getting through it - OF COURSE i am a bit crazy! but i have gotten this far without resorting to anti-depressants ... i dont want to start taking them now. he was very understanding of this and it was decided that i would try and come off the clonazepam by myself for a month (starting in April as i have a friend coming to stay with me next week - dont wanna be coming off some weird drug while she is here!). if things dont go well then i can go back to him and try the anti-depressant.
i came home and discussed it with my mom and colin. they both think i should go on the cypramol and i nearly changed my mind. but i have been thinking about it this week and i dont want to use this anti-depressant. i believe that i can beat the clonazepam by myself. as soon as i take the anti-depressant then i will be numbed, i wont be myself, how will i know if what i am feeling is real? its almost like giving up to me. i have been through so much already, i have proved how strong i can be. i know i can do this by myself. mentally and emotionally, i am strong enough!
i have had so many drugs rammed down my throat by doctors (most of which haven't worked - including the clonazepam!). i am trying to get rid of them. not take more! i know i can make myself better ... i am mentally strong. i understand the things that make me depressed and i know what i need to do to try and avoid that depression. i also know what to expect from the clonazepam withdrawal now. the mind-body link works both ways and i believe that my physical suffering is what makes me upset more often than the other way around. i just need to be strong, stay calm and deal with my physical symptoms as they come.
Me. Hello!
i have already started this week ... on tuesday, march 11 i went to the dentist. the drilling and the local anaesthetic always makes me feel sick afterwards so, i have been suffering from some horrible nausea and some spasms in the last few days. colin just tells me to take a xanax, but i dont need to ... all i have to do is lie quietly in bed and the nausea and spasms will go away. i dont want to be so reliant on drugs anymore ... i can will myself better. i can will myself positive. WATCH ME! i am superwoman!
