well, things have gotten a bit better since last i wrote. physically i am on an
upswing right now, but i have now learnt not to get carried away. i am aware that there will be a
downswing again and i am going to try my hardest not to lose all hope when that happens. i am also trying not to overreact every time i spasm, convulse, feel dizzy,
nauseous or just plain 'funny in the head'. i have decided that i need to be mentally tougher on myself, if i act and treat myself like a useless invalid then that is what i will be. of course, i can't control my brain, but i can control how i react to the convulsions and how i face the difficulties of my situation. so, with that in mind, i am trying to enjoy my
upswing as much as possible.
i have started walking again, but i now leave my camera at home and keep the walks to a short distance. but i
am using all the beautiful
photos that i have been taking. i went and printed a lot of them out and am busy covering our big, hideous cupboard with my lovely photos. not only does this give me a creative project, but it also gives more meaning to my obsessive photo-taking now that they are being used for something more than just a website that nobody looks at.
The cupboard
actually,
colin and i took more cool photos at
Wulai this weekend,
May 26 - May 27 (which i will be putting up on my website ;-). we had finally had enough of the noise of the city and i was seriously sick of looking at the inside of our flat (even though the cupboard was looking prettier ;-). so we decided to go away for the weekend, feeling pretty sure i could handle it.
Wulai is a
gorgeous mountain area with hot springs and a river about an hour away from where we live. the big worry was whether i would manage the trip there and back. it is a
5 minute walk to the
MRT (underground) station, then a
30 minute ride on the
MRT, then a
30 minute ride in a taxi and another
5 - 10 minute walk to a hotel. pretty gruelling for someone who struggles to walk 10 minutes a day and hasn't caught the
MRT in over
5 months!
but I was okay and i have
Xanax to thank for that. i have always been hesitant about taking the
xanax that
dr.
tai gives me. i feel like if i use it i am 'giving up' or 'being weak'. i am also very aware of how habit-forming a drug it is, which makes me scared to rely on it too much. but
colin helped me to see that it was given to me to be used, to make my life just a little bit easier and to enable me to do things like survive the hour trip to, and back from
Wulai sans convulsions.
once there, i was 'happier than a pig in shit'. we stayed in a hotel with a balcony overlooking the river and had hot spring water pumped straight into the stone bath in our hotel room. we ate tasty taiwanese food outside, looking at the mountains. i couldn't go for a walk, but i was quite content to sit on the balcony watching the swallows dive for insects over the slowly moving river, staring at the green mountains and enjoying the peace and quiet of the place. the only thing that was missing was a cold beer, but i have learnt not to dwell on the things that i can't have and try and appreciate the small pleasures that i am able to enjoy, so even if everyone else around me can drink and smoke i don't really feel that jealous. i just focus on how happy i am that i can have visitors at all and when i go to bed early while everyone else stays up to party, i just try and remember that one day i will be able to party again. and then i will be back with a vengeance!
