Complaining

ok ... so i had to vent there a bit. but i am over it already. my health is the most important thing right now. i am happy and comfortable at home. i dont need to go partying all the time. the clubs will always be there, but i only have one brain. my sickness does not make me pathetic or any of those other things i said. sometimes i feel that way, but then i remember who i am. i am SUE and i wouldnt want to be anyone else. i have found my power again already. independence is a state of mind.

Reminder

well ... so much for my triumphant return to "normal". i drove to my friend's house last night and had dinner. that was a big achievement. but then i woke up early this morning. i wasnt feeling good so i took a sinutab with codeine to try and help me sleep. a few minutes later i was convulsing like crazy. really fast. really scary. my whole body shaking like a rag doll, my neck twisting and stiffening. my muscles screaming in agony.

it makes me cry when this happens ... when will it stop? i was on top of the world and i got too excited. i got ahead of myself and then the little bugger came out to fuck with my body just to remind me, "you're not free yet sue! you still have months of this to go through!" maybe it is coming off the clonazepam, maybe it was the driving last night, who knows? who cares? i just fucking want it to STOP! i cant handle this backwards and forwards ... YAY! i'm fine ... NO! i'm not! its a living, depressing hell.

i was going to go out to a club with a friend tonight. WOW! did i get that wrong. there is NO way i could handle a loud club. i have had to cancel my outing, which i was so excited about. and every time i think i have emotionally moved forwards, i get thrown back again. i try to be strong about it ... take it in my stride. after all, i should be used to all this bullshit by now, right? but i'm not. i try so fucking hard! i try not to get depressed and fall into negative patterns of thinking BUT it is too hard!

i'm sick, i'm hurting, i'm scared, i'm tired, i'm depressed, i'm alone, i'm discarded, i'm ignored, i'm crying, i'm heartbroken ... how much more of this do i have to take?! enough is enough! make it stop!