i was a heavy smoker for about 7+ years and i couldn't go without a box of ciggies in my bag. i was always the one at an outdoor, three-day party, who still had cigarettes on the third day because i had brought 6 packs with me in preparation. they were like my safety net. i became a terrible chain-smoker when drinking and i think i also used ciggies as a weird self-esteem booster in social situations, it always made me look and feel cool. and even now, when i see old photos of myself with a beer and a ciggie i wish i could go back to that life in some ways. that was the fun, party girl with the 'devil may care' attitude (my 'cool' persona) - not the depressed/depressing brain surgery girl with the 'god, i need to go to bed, it's 11 o'clock already!' attitude.
and all smokers will tell you that cigarettes relieve stress, and teaching english at my school here in taiwan, piper english school, is actually pretty stressful. especially since the kids can make you as angry as possible and you are not really supposed to 'lose your temper' with them. you can speak loudly and reprimand, but heaven forbid you really start screaming and banging on the whiteboard. i used to have these urges to just whack kids with my textbook - not too hard, but just hard enough. some of them really do deserve it! but with cameras in every classroom you can't get away with it. so, my few, stolen cigarette breaks during the day helped me control all the pent-up rage from my last class of 20, smart-ass 6 year olds or 10, crazy 4 year olds. i do love my students, but they still used to drive me to distraction. of course, i knew this belief that cigarettes were 'my saviour', my stress relief was all in my head, but it was just a great signal of the end of the day when i could walk outta that school, light up and breathe deep - aaah!
The whole time i was smoking i knew i stunk of cigarettes, my house stunk of cigarettes and i tasted like an ashtray. i also had a chronic cough that got worse when arriving in taiwan with the humid, sub-tropical climate and the terrible air pollution. taiwan has acid rain, for god's sake! i had 4 year olds with smokers' coughs because of the poisonous taipei air so, it didn't go well with my smoking, if you know what i mean. i also had terrible shortness of breath. in fact, for about a year before January 8 2007, i would have trouble breathing when going to bed. i would lie in bed gasping for breath, finally start falling asleep and actually wake up, suddenly feeling dizzy, because i had stopped breathing in my sleep. i often had to sleep with the fan blowing air straight into my face to help me breathe.
of course, i knew this was bad and i tried to quit smoking a grand total of 4 times since arriving in taiwan in november 2004, the longest i ever lasted was 2 weeks. the normal time limit was 3 days. i would get irritable and pick fights with everyone and i would take it out on my students, which was very unfair. i would cry and get depressed and obsess about the fact that i couldn't have a ciggie. being a smoker was part of my identity and i just couldn't imagine i would ever be able to quit.
then i found out that i had an AVM on my brain stem and that i would have to have gamma knife radio surgery and my life changed forever. as i have mentioned before, i demanded to go out for a cigarette to help myself deal with the shock. it was cold and rainy outside, the cigarette tasted like dirt and once it was finished i still had to deal with the harsh reality of what was happening to my brain and my body. the cigarette had no magic powers, it didn't make me feel any better. that was the last ciggie i smoked and i haven't looked back and obviously, for health reasons i cannot drink or smoke. smoking thickens the blood and can cause blood clots (among other ugly things), which is the last thing someone with an AVM needs, you're already having blood flow problems - don't make them worse! and i can't drink because the medication that i am taking puts such a huge strain on my liver that one bottle of beer could cause liver failure.
and all smokers will tell you that cigarettes relieve stress, and teaching english at my school here in taiwan, piper english school, is actually pretty stressful. especially since the kids can make you as angry as possible and you are not really supposed to 'lose your temper' with them. you can speak loudly and reprimand, but heaven forbid you really start screaming and banging on the whiteboard. i used to have these urges to just whack kids with my textbook - not too hard, but just hard enough. some of them really do deserve it! but with cameras in every classroom you can't get away with it. so, my few, stolen cigarette breaks during the day helped me control all the pent-up rage from my last class of 20, smart-ass 6 year olds or 10, crazy 4 year olds. i do love my students, but they still used to drive me to distraction. of course, i knew this belief that cigarettes were 'my saviour', my stress relief was all in my head, but it was just a great signal of the end of the day when i could walk outta that school, light up and breathe deep - aaah!
The whole time i was smoking i knew i stunk of cigarettes, my house stunk of cigarettes and i tasted like an ashtray. i also had a chronic cough that got worse when arriving in taiwan with the humid, sub-tropical climate and the terrible air pollution. taiwan has acid rain, for god's sake! i had 4 year olds with smokers' coughs because of the poisonous taipei air so, it didn't go well with my smoking, if you know what i mean. i also had terrible shortness of breath. in fact, for about a year before January 8 2007, i would have trouble breathing when going to bed. i would lie in bed gasping for breath, finally start falling asleep and actually wake up, suddenly feeling dizzy, because i had stopped breathing in my sleep. i often had to sleep with the fan blowing air straight into my face to help me breathe.
of course, i knew this was bad and i tried to quit smoking a grand total of 4 times since arriving in taiwan in november 2004, the longest i ever lasted was 2 weeks. the normal time limit was 3 days. i would get irritable and pick fights with everyone and i would take it out on my students, which was very unfair. i would cry and get depressed and obsess about the fact that i couldn't have a ciggie. being a smoker was part of my identity and i just couldn't imagine i would ever be able to quit.
then i found out that i had an AVM on my brain stem and that i would have to have gamma knife radio surgery and my life changed forever. as i have mentioned before, i demanded to go out for a cigarette to help myself deal with the shock. it was cold and rainy outside, the cigarette tasted like dirt and once it was finished i still had to deal with the harsh reality of what was happening to my brain and my body. the cigarette had no magic powers, it didn't make me feel any better. that was the last ciggie i smoked and i haven't looked back and obviously, for health reasons i cannot drink or smoke. smoking thickens the blood and can cause blood clots (among other ugly things), which is the last thing someone with an AVM needs, you're already having blood flow problems - don't make them worse! and i can't drink because the medication that i am taking puts such a huge strain on my liver that one bottle of beer could cause liver failure.
drinking and smoking, two of my favorite activities, but i don't crave them, miss them as much as i thought i would. my life changed so drastically that day that i don't even think about cigarettes. it helps that i am not going to bars and watching loads of people smoking and drinking, i am a different person now, in many ways, with very different habits. even when i see my friends smoke, most of the time i just wrinkle my nose at the smell, it is very rare that i actually crave a ciggie. i don't need the cigarettes to uphold my 'persona', to relax me, to give me more confidence. my confidence now comes from what i have survived and what i am surviving, from knowing that i am an incredibly strong person and that this experience will, ultimately, make me a better, a more grateful and a more thoughtful person! cigarettes are just not a part of my life, my psychological make-up anymore.
it is an incredibly surreal experience to imagine my old life and look at my current reality. things changed so quickly that there wasn't even time for my head to spin.
