Ramblings

Unknown - Sue Harker

i am still raw, angry and unable to sleep at this ungodly hour of the morning so, i thought i might as well write down a few random thoughts. i think that part of what has been keeping me going through all of this is the delusion that i have clung to, the delusion that i will seamlessly return back to my old life, my old friends, my old habits, my old ways, the old me. but this is not true, it is impossible. i have already changed too much, i am not the same person i used to be, for better or worse. i feel incredibly anti-social and i have a terrible 'don't care' attitude towards people and sometimes my friends too, which i think i demonstrated in my earlier post (Bitterness) :-/. i think this stems from my isolation, i don't feel like i am a part of the human race anymore. i am just this thing to be pitied and payed attention to now and then. i have become so self-involved that i don't see other people, i don't feel them, i am not like them, therefore 'i don't care'.

i know this is not a good thing and yet somehow i can't help it. it's almost as though i feel i have some sort of superiority because of what i have suffered and am suffering. i feel alone, and abandoned by the human race and therefore i don't need human beings. this all sounds so ridiculous and melodramatic, probably because i am writing it at 3am. but i do feel i am losing my grip on reality, i am losing my understanding of the real world, my understanding of people and friends.

these are dangerous thoughts that come from spending far too much time in one's own head, but unfortunately that is the only place i have to go right now. i suppose i am just confused, at a loss; i try everything to keep myself positive, busy, balanced. i am constantly aware of the signs of depression and do my utmost to fight them off and yet i still end up having these 'crazy fits' where all i want to do is bash my brains in against the bathroom wall. it all seems so self-indulgent when i write it down, i am not terminal, i know i will get better, but logic doesn't come into play with emotions, especially my emotions.

i guess my real uncertainty is "who will i be at the end of this all?" and "will i have any friends left?". those are scary questions.

Apologies

i am not trying to be mean to anyone with anything i say in this blog, i don't want to upset well-meaning people, of which there are many. i do have good friends (even those that let me down), but i needed to write the following post. this is my catharsis, my psychologist. so, i apologise in advance if i offend anyone. that is not my intention. i am just trying to work through and express very strong, negative emotions that i am experiencing at the moment. i am sure that by tomorrow i will have something more positive to say. i am documenting a journey and i would be a liar if i didn't include these evil times. i want to be truthful and the truth hurts; so BEWARE!

Bitterness

Side by Side - Sue Harker

FUCK YOU! fuck all of you! everyone that can walk, drink, take drugs, run, dance, work, fuck. FUCK all of you normal fucking people! you have no idea how lucky you are that you can walk down the street without a problem, have a beer when you feel stressed, have sex with someone you love, or even a stranger. you don't know what i would do just to have one day where i could walk around and not have to worry about what time it is so i can take my medicine. fuck all of you with your sympathy and your empty words just before you go out drinking with your friends.

you have NO idea what it is like; waking up every day with the entire day stretching ahead of you, a desert of time that you have to cross. hours of nothing that you have to try and fill, a desire to give up that you have to fight, despair that you have to quash every morning. i try and paint, i try and write on my blog, i try and read, i try and keep in contact with friends who are far too busy having fun to keep in contact with me. i have organised and fixed up all of my photographs, i have sorted and added to my music (which i can't listen to anyway) and i wonder, why am i making such an effort?

i try so hard to keep myself busy, i try so hard to fight off the depression that shadows me every day, i try so hard to be positive, brave, pleasant to others (normal people), i try so hard to stay in contact with old friends, be 'social' but nothing/nobody is trying so hard to help me. you think that by your hour visit once a week you make me feel better? you think i feel good hearing about your exploits, your fun, oh! your troubles at work, watching you drink, watching you be normal? i don't care. i'm not interested in your life because it just highlights how much my life sucks. every tale you tell me, every photo you show me is a hammer to my consciousness ... i can't do any of this! i can't do any of this!

i haven't written in a while because i have nothing to write. nothing new, nothing interesting. i have a dentist appointment tomorrow, which i am looking forward to, seriously! i am moving into a new flat in the mountains and now i can't even be excited about it. i can't walk in those mountains. what's the fucking point? everybody else's lives are moving, if not forward, at least sideways or up and down. my life? it is at a standstill, it is going NOWHERE! i am going nowhere. i haven't discovered the mysteries of life, i haven't become a better person because of this, learnt any life lessons. i have become angry, isolated, frustrated, bitter, jealous.

the main reason for this rant is that i have had a shitty day. i woke up, forced myself outta bed, racked my brains to think of something to do to entertain myself for the morning. i decided to cut something out in preparation for yet another painting. at least it keeps me busy. i couldn't find the scissors. dina and i searched the house. i phoned colin, furious, knowing that he had used them last and had now lost them. i had several fights with him over the phone and ended up sending dina out to buy a new pair of scissors. all this for something that i didn't really wanna do in the first place, for something that doesn't really make me happy, but something that just passes the time, fills the dead hours of my day.

i listlessly watched as the day passed me by, making sure to take my medication at the correct time, i tried to sleep the afternoon away. colin returned home. i got no greeting. he was still angry, and rightly so ... i was very clearly told what an awful person i am becoming and that i am starting to go crazy. perfectly true. the fight escalated, but i just had no energy, i didn't care, i didn't want to make up, i just wanted to stare at the wall. feeling empty is preferable to the other feelings i have had today. colin apologised and tried to cheer me up. he loves me and does try to help me. as i have said before, we are two very flawed people trying to make things work. but even he doesn't fully understand. i have no use, i make no money, i just sit around and consume. every day is the same.

anyway, the cherry on the top, the coup de grace was being let down by two friends. i had organised with them, a time and a place to call them in south africa. i missed them and wanted to speak to them, i needed some encouragement. i was paying for the call. i tried several times, but got no answer. eventually colin phoned the one friend on her cellphone; "oh! sorry! we forgot! we are at the beach fucked on acid and mushrooms. we thought it was wednesday." i feel foolish, furious, insignificant; especially since now colin is having a lovely, long chat to a friend of his in south africa while drinking vodka and lime. lucky him.

so, i am a terrible person with evil thoughts and emotions. i am small, bitter and mean today. so, FUCK ALL OF YOU! it's not fair!