Anniversary

Empty

Another month has passed and what a month it has been. i nose-dived from superwoman to shattered ball of goo, from strong and positive to depressed and lonely in a few short days. and all it took was some harsh words and the disappearance of my boyfriend of 3 years. a man that i had rejected for many excellent reasons ... a man that i then forgave, started on a new path with ... a path towards happiness, togetherness and the future only to have that forgiveness and my open heart thrown back in my face a few months later. we have been through so much, we know each other so well, we love each other. WHY?! it takes a BIG man to break up with his sick girlfriend.

my alarm woke me up this morning. confused, i lay in bed ... re-remembering how the landscape of my emotional life has changed. forced myself to get up so i could take my meds. i checked my mail and had some tea. cried in the garden, cried in the shower and cried while i did the washing up. now i am crying as i write this. i have no real work right now. and i dont know if i want it. i am completely unmotivated to make any changes in my life. i rattle around the empty house all day and most nights too, since my mother is often out. i am well and truly alone ... BROKEN. how could this happen to superwoman? how could this happen so quickly? i hate him for what he has done to me. i feel tricked, cheated.

this is not the first time ... i know i will get better. i know i will be better. better than he will ever be! but as he continues with his life ... planning to go overseas or whatever. i am trapped in my mother's house, doing nothing, feeling nothing but loss, emptiness, hopelessness. desperately i try to fill the endless days ... with what? i don't know. i don't want to do anything ...

but i do do things. i went to that party on friday, april 4 and i had a great time. it was actually fantastic to reconnect with people that i haven't seen in years and they were all so lovely. i had a phone conversation with colin that upset me the next day, saturday, april 5, but i was lucky enough to have a friend arrive to visit and after letting me cry and moan for a while she did wonders to cheer me up. so, all is not lost ... but today, like all my other days, is for crying and loneliness. one day it will stop.

colin said he is coming to fetch all his stuff tomorrow. it is about time it left my house.

but this post is not just about my self-pity, it is also to mark the passing of more time - man do i have a LOT of that! it is 1 year and 3 months since i stopped smoking, was diagnosed with an AVM on my brain stem and it has been 1 whole year since i started this blog. will it ever be a book?

Forward

normally i dont like these soppy, forwarded email stories ... but in my current state of mind, it touched me and surprise surprise! made me ... cry. so, i am publishing it here for you to read. maybe it will touch your heart. it certainly gave me some strength. (ok ... i deleted the long-winded story and just kept the important points ;-)

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away," Think about this. You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.

1. At least 2 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
4. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
5. You mean the world to someone.
6. If not for you, someone may not be living.
7. You are special and unique.
8. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you trust God to do what's best, and wait on His time, sooner or later, you will get it or something better. (sorry 'bout the god reference ;-)
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good can still come from it.
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.
11. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
12. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
13. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know and you'll both be happy.
14. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.

Send this letter to all the people you care about, if you do so, you will certainly brighten someone's day and might change their perspective on life...for the better. "Thanks for your time."