my mom is taking me through tomorrow. b has a lecture in the morning and work in the evening so i probably won't see him. but i don't mind - it is better like this. i have family to be with, my boyfriend of 5 months doesn't need to be involved in the drama. that was what was so awful in taiwan is that colin had to be everything to me. but now i have a support system - well, mainly just my mom. i don't think my dad even knows i'm going in tomorrow. and honestly, i only noticed now that neither he nor my sister have called me. i guess i am just used to being distant with my family. i know that should sadden me, but it is just how it has always been. that doesn't mean that i don't love them though.
and how am i feeling? a bit numb actually ... i feel like all the sickness and time spent in hospital happened to a different person in a different time. these things are in my memory, but feel separated from my heart. perhaps it is just the passage of time - it is better that trauma is forgotten, details be
come blurred and knife-edged emotions are dulled. how would i continue my life otherwise? i so just want to be normal. that wish has not changed. was that not my litany on this blog ... "i just want to be normal!" i screamed over and over.well, i am NORMAL (almost - i still need to get off the last 20 mg of cipramil) and damn does it feel good! no one who meets me need ever know that i had brain surgery in a foreign country and took two years recovering from the awful affliction, unless i want them to know. THANK GOD!
yes, i am not numb, i am RELIEVED. so fucking relieved. of course the angiography is going to be horrible. the thought of the invasive process makes me feel nauseous ... eugh. but i cant wait for it to all be over ... once and for all! tuesday, december 2 2008 - just short of two years after my gamma knife radio surgery on february 12 2006 - the official END. it sounds so long. it was so long. i missed out on two years of my adult life. and yet, it feels as though everything happened in the blink of an eye - it was a movie that i watched about another person's life ...
maybe this day is not making a big impact on me because afterwards, on wednesday - nothing much will have changed. i will still be jobless, i will still need to borrow money from my dad, i will still spend most of the day sitting at home reading or seeing friends. the neverending holiday. am i bored? am i uninspired? i don't know. i must be. motivation? what is motivation? no, that is not really true. i have been doing some research on teaching diplomas that i could study while overseas, i plan to start running and i still have things to organise for taiwan.
no, everything is good. b has decided to meet me in taiwan in march next year. i am enjoying spending time in cape town with friends - not so desperate to go back to work anymore. ha ha ha! life continues ....
