6 February 2006
wow ... there is a lot to write about, but i will start with the big news that colin and i have gotten back together. (TA DA!) yes ... after even making it my new year's resolution to have no contact with him, i still gave in. what can i say? i am addicted to him, i love him, i am a romantic and ever-hopeful. we are slowly working through our issues and trying to make future plans. after spending so much time with my family i have realised that i want a family of my own one day. i am 27 and i dont want to waste anymore time. i want a partner who is committed to me and that i can see myself having a serious future with. i think colin could be that partner. he is trying very hard to grow up, find a job, etc etc and i know that he is loyal and loves me very much. i also need to let go of some of my own insecurities and judgements for our future relationship to work. so there is a lot of work to be done on both sides, but i think we already have the most important ingredients and that is love and determination.
HOW? did it happen you ask ... well, after a quiet new year spent with my mom's family i went to go and stay with an old friend of mine for 2 nights, from tuesday, january 1 to thursday, january 3. he lives in another city, but was visiting cape town on holiday. it was fantastic seeing him and he was very patient listening to all my problems with colin and my sister, but we also had a lot of fun too. on tuesday, january 1 colin sms'ed me and wanted to chat on skype. he had been to some big party for new years and was feeling miserable the day after. i spoke to him on the phone for ages telling him that either we must work together as adults to make our relationship work or that we must just not be in contact with each other. yes, he wants us to work together, he loves me and he wants us to get back together. that was all i needed and i was happy. i know we can be good together.
i was very busy over the next few days seeing family and friends, but colin and i managed to have a few good talks over skype about what we felt needed to change in the relationship. now we just really needed to see each other. i was going out with my cousins from england on their last night in south africa on sunday, january 6. colin was spending time with mutual friends of ours from university who were also visiting so we decided to meet up at a pool bar. it was a bit weird as my attention was being pulled between my last chance to see my cousins, my first time seeing 2 old friends in 4 years and seeing colin for the first time since sunday, december 16, almost a month! it was disconcerting seeing colin at first, almost like looking at a stranger and then he just came up to me and held me. we stayed like that for a long time, holding each other and kissing in the middle of the dingy pool bar. we didnt talk too much that night, but it felt good, it felt right to be back in his arms.
Kalk Bay
the next day, monday, january 7 i went with colin and some friends to a lovely seaside area of cape town called kalk bay. again it was just a beautiful day where i got to chat to friends and colin was so affectionate and loving towards me. he was just so happy that we were back together and so was i. it was a romantic day for us (i'm a sucker for romance ;-) and i spent that night at colin's house, just the two of us. we talked and held each other, breathed each other in with a new appreciation, gorged ourselves on each other's company and a love, a bond that felt stronger than ever. after being through such hell and tormenting each other so much in taiwan. after living together for 2 years (being together for almost 3 years - may 2008!) and sharing so much joy and so much horror. after sharing every intimate detail of our daily lives, our thoughts, our feelings, our bodies, our histories, our futures, and then almost losing it; it was just ecstasy to have the other person next to you again, to be with the other person. how could we have thrown that feeling away?! impossible. oh, and i had sex (and my first orgasm!) for the first time in over a year! HOORAY!
i spent the next few days with colin and friends, but i was starting to take strain. i was feeling tired, sick, stretched out. i tried to go out on tuesday night, january 8. i drank some champagne and desperately tried to ignore the pressure in my brain and the jitteriness in my muscles, but my brain had had enough. as we got into the car to go out i started to have terrible neck and stomache spasms, which really upset my friends. i wasnt going anywhere. colin stayed with me while i endured horrible convulsions for about an hour. i dont like my friends or family seeing my convulsions because i know that it scares them. i feel like a freak, a monster, while they try their best to comfort me and not freak out. i am comfortable with colin and my parents being with me during my convulsions, but i dont want to subject others to them. they are ugly, terrifying and i dont want people to see me like that; moaning and thrashing, shaking and contorting, stuttering and crying. a thing possessed: that is NOT ME! i wish it wasnt me!
so, after popping a few xanax and getting some sleep i managed to spend a nice day, wednesday, january 9 at colin's house with some friends. my mom picked me up that evening and i spent the rest of the week at home. i needed to rest because i was going to our family beach house in pearly beach that weekend. my mom and i were leaving at 5pm on friday, january 11. i said my good byes to my friends and my rediscovered, lovely man, colin.
the next day, monday, january 7 i went with colin and some friends to a lovely seaside area of cape town called kalk bay. again it was just a beautiful day where i got to chat to friends and colin was so affectionate and loving towards me. he was just so happy that we were back together and so was i. it was a romantic day for us (i'm a sucker for romance ;-) and i spent that night at colin's house, just the two of us. we talked and held each other, breathed each other in with a new appreciation, gorged ourselves on each other's company and a love, a bond that felt stronger than ever. after being through such hell and tormenting each other so much in taiwan. after living together for 2 years (being together for almost 3 years - may 2008!) and sharing so much joy and so much horror. after sharing every intimate detail of our daily lives, our thoughts, our feelings, our bodies, our histories, our futures, and then almost losing it; it was just ecstasy to have the other person next to you again, to be with the other person. how could we have thrown that feeling away?! impossible. oh, and i had sex (and my first orgasm!) for the first time in over a year! HOORAY!i spent the next few days with colin and friends, but i was starting to take strain. i was feeling tired, sick, stretched out. i tried to go out on tuesday night, january 8. i drank some champagne and desperately tried to ignore the pressure in my brain and the jitteriness in my muscles, but my brain had had enough. as we got into the car to go out i started to have terrible neck and stomache spasms, which really upset my friends. i wasnt going anywhere. colin stayed with me while i endured horrible convulsions for about an hour. i dont like my friends or family seeing my convulsions because i know that it scares them. i feel like a freak, a monster, while they try their best to comfort me and not freak out. i am comfortable with colin and my parents being with me during my convulsions, but i dont want to subject others to them. they are ugly, terrifying and i dont want people to see me like that; moaning and thrashing, shaking and contorting, stuttering and crying. a thing possessed: that is NOT ME! i wish it wasnt me!
so, after popping a few xanax and getting some sleep i managed to spend a nice day, wednesday, january 9 at colin's house with some friends. my mom picked me up that evening and i spent the rest of the week at home. i needed to rest because i was going to our family beach house in pearly beach that weekend. my mom and i were leaving at 5pm on friday, january 11. i said my good byes to my friends and my rediscovered, lovely man, colin.
