i heard last night that colin has been running around getting very drunk, acting like a fool and saying how wonderful it is to be single - not to be tied to me anymore. this is just 4 months after he wrote me an email begging me to take him back and telling me how much he loved me and how he couldn't live without me. we know the same people so unfortunately word gets around.
i had been slowly trying to sort myself out, but this news just took me back to square one. so, i have been crying, sobbing all night and morning. it is hard to describe because i dont want him back, especially after hearing how he has been acting recently ... i want a MAN, not an 18 year old. i want someone who will respect me and treat me with love and kindness, someone stable, someone i can rely on. someone who doesn't need to down bottles of booze and do stupid things to have fun. i guess i am just very disappointed that he didn't turn out to be the partner that he promised to be and that i fooled myself into believing he could be. a leopard doesnt change its spots. and the fact that i still love him, miss him and wish that things could've worked for us ... whereas he is just ecstatic without me really, it just fucking HURTS!
but, i have been doing better and that is really what this post is about. its about seeing the good in all situations and appreciating everything in life. its about noticing the small joys and being kind to yourself. i have been pretty busy with friends. either going out with them or just having them come to visit and they are all just fantastic. i had a momentous saturday night, april 19. i went to a braai (bbq) at a friends house. i wasnt feeling good beforehand and had been trying not to cry the whole day so i took a xanax before she came to fetch me and i proceeded to have an awesome night. i managed to drink a bottle of wine, a beer and an apple sourz! i had great conversations with some awesome people and i even went out with them and got home at 2am! i'm slowly returning to form. cant wait until i can just go out like a normal person ... although i am probably going to have to slow down a bit in the next 4 months while i come off the clonazepam.
but i cant wait to start coming off the clonazepam too! that is going to be a huge challenge and i am ready to take it on. i need to do things for ME! my health, my brain, my body, my emotions, my heart. so, i have also started listening to music again, which makes me very happy and i now like to sit in the sun in the mornings and bead, making bracelets and anklets with little bells etc for my friends. the painting will start when it starts to rain and i have some great ideas to use sequins, coloured sand and other mixed media in my paintings just for fun.
i am going to the library to get a stack of books this weekend before i go away to the beach with my mom for a week. but before that i have a wonderful old friend coming to visit on sunday, april 27 ... i havent seen her in ages and cant wait to talk things out with her (she's a psychologist ;-). and i might even be lucky enough to have some of my friends come and join me at our beach house for a few days!
physically i am slowly getting stronger ... there is no need for me to even see my neurosurgeon anymore - he just faxes scripts for my meds to my mom, although i still average about 4 bad convulsions a month. this month may be a bit worse thanks to stress. but i am planning for the future. i am doing a little bit of proofreading to make some money, with more to come. i also plan to try and get a transcription job once i am back from holiday. i am in a good situation with money at the moment (i have enough for a return ticket to taiwan in south africa and then i have some savings in taiwan that i can use to set myself up again). so, i want to start working harder so that i stay in a good financial position. so yes ... i plan to return to taiwan when i am better and make back my savings and continue my rudely interrupted travels (not sure if i have mentioned that). hopefully i will pick up my perfect guy along the way, but for now i should enjoy being single - and a lot of the time i do.
I LOVE:
but, i have been doing better and that is really what this post is about. its about seeing the good in all situations and appreciating everything in life. its about noticing the small joys and being kind to yourself. i have been pretty busy with friends. either going out with them or just having them come to visit and they are all just fantastic. i had a momentous saturday night, april 19. i went to a braai (bbq) at a friends house. i wasnt feeling good beforehand and had been trying not to cry the whole day so i took a xanax before she came to fetch me and i proceeded to have an awesome night. i managed to drink a bottle of wine, a beer and an apple sourz! i had great conversations with some awesome people and i even went out with them and got home at 2am! i'm slowly returning to form. cant wait until i can just go out like a normal person ... although i am probably going to have to slow down a bit in the next 4 months while i come off the clonazepam.
but i cant wait to start coming off the clonazepam too! that is going to be a huge challenge and i am ready to take it on. i need to do things for ME! my health, my brain, my body, my emotions, my heart. so, i have also started listening to music again, which makes me very happy and i now like to sit in the sun in the mornings and bead, making bracelets and anklets with little bells etc for my friends. the painting will start when it starts to rain and i have some great ideas to use sequins, coloured sand and other mixed media in my paintings just for fun.
i am going to the library to get a stack of books this weekend before i go away to the beach with my mom for a week. but before that i have a wonderful old friend coming to visit on sunday, april 27 ... i havent seen her in ages and cant wait to talk things out with her (she's a psychologist ;-). and i might even be lucky enough to have some of my friends come and join me at our beach house for a few days!
physically i am slowly getting stronger ... there is no need for me to even see my neurosurgeon anymore - he just faxes scripts for my meds to my mom, although i still average about 4 bad convulsions a month. this month may be a bit worse thanks to stress. but i am planning for the future. i am doing a little bit of proofreading to make some money, with more to come. i also plan to try and get a transcription job once i am back from holiday. i am in a good situation with money at the moment (i have enough for a return ticket to taiwan in south africa and then i have some savings in taiwan that i can use to set myself up again). so, i want to start working harder so that i stay in a good financial position. so yes ... i plan to return to taiwan when i am better and make back my savings and continue my rudely interrupted travels (not sure if i have mentioned that). hopefully i will pick up my perfect guy along the way, but for now i should enjoy being single - and a lot of the time i do.
I LOVE:
1. not having to get up early and go to work in the morning.
2. working from home.
3. the morning sun on my bed.
4. living in the suburbs with a garden.
5. walking between autumn trees.
6. chasing the sunshine around my garden.
7. listening and dancing to music.
8. writing, painting, beading, reading, photography etc ...
9. my mom and family (besides my psycho sister ;-/.
10. my friends (one of whom is coming to stay with me for a month - yay!).
11. myself!
12. my sexy clothes.
13. having a great internet connection.
14. going to the theatre.
15. life!
16. you guys that read my blog and send me messages of encouragement (you rock! ;-).
17. tea.
this list is not in order of preference - obviously! ;-) and there is a tonne of stuff that i have left out, but i think you get the picture. i guess in a weird way i'm lucky; with all the shit that has/is happening to me it makes me appreciate everything so much more. so, my message to you, dear faithful readers is ... bitch, moan and cry because you need to get those negative feelings out BUT then go on to chase the sunshine, love life and know how lucky you are to be living it every day!
