Discombobulation

Friday, October 31: halloween 2008 and exactly 2 years since i had my first vertigo attack. 2 years since i started getting sick ... and a few weeks after those 2 years i will be getting my final angiography - well, i hope. i'm still trying to confirm the date with the hospital. and just before that date, i am off to my first trance party in years. it is going to be great. music, dancing, camping, crazy people, nature, fresh air. i can't wait!

oh and i came off the clonazepam without any problem. HALLE-FUCKIN'-LUJAH! i'm still having the vivid dreams and night sweats, but that is all. now i need to come off the cipramil (anti-depressant). i am a bit worried about that. i have always had a negative streak in me and i am not the most emotionally stable person out there - which is why colin is such a bad match for me (even though we loved/love each other very much) and why B is such a good match for me - and i fear i may become very depressed coming off these happy pills. i can't even remember what i was like without them. guessing, i think my emotions were more intense and i was more melancholy. although i still get sad now and i am in psychological turmoil (as usual). and what is wrong this time? well, i haven't been doing much recently. i know i keep going on about how i need to be more active with my creative projects, but i seem to just get worse and worse. i think it is cos i get bored easily. in the last few weeks i haven't even been reading. i have just been watching anime all day and night. don't get me wrong, i have been enjoying it, but i know it is not healthy. i am slowly coming to the end of the anime that i have though so now i have started doing some other things with my time. i am reading again and yesterday i went to the beach.

i also want to start painting again. i might even be able to sell a painting! seriously! a woman in england saw my paintings on facebook and wants to commission me to do one for her. however, she wanted to commission it for next year and i have told her that i won't have the time as i will be in taiwan in february (plans are going well for that too!). i am still waiting to hear back from her. but what an amazing opportunity! i am very flattered and excited!

speaking of opportunity. i got a phone call yesterday from a publishing company in cape town. they wanted to interview me for a job as a project manager. i don't even remember applying for this job, so it musta been a good few months ago. i got such a surprise! my ticket to taiwan is pretty much bought and paid for, i had no intention of getting a serious, long term job in cape town! so i said i was leaving the country soon - BUT now i am wondering if that was the right decision. oh it is terrible to second guess yourself! part of me is saying that i should cut the crap: settle down, get a 'real' job, find a boyfriend my own age, get married etc etc ... BUT is that what i really want? I DON'T KNOW! i don't think so .... well, i know i definitely don't feel 'grown up'. i'm not ready for children - maybe i'll never be. i want to travel (again, i get bored easily so travelling is perfect for me). so, i guess it is society that is telling me all these things. and, yeah ... i REALLY shouldn't listen.

this confusion about what i really want, or what i should really want is present in all parts of my life right now. i am questioning all my decisions and waging war against my poor, battered little psyche.
weight: i haven't been particularly obsessive about weight in a long time. i am pretty slim now, but recently i have been craving food, or rather, craving eating. i find myself thinking about eating food a lot. maybe it is a comfort thing - or again, a boredom thing. i don't know, but right now i am trying to stop myself from eating a whole slab of chocolate in one day, but sometimes i do it anyway.
work: there is a guilt that i am carrying around, maybe i should be getting a job right now. i should be spending my time productively.
love: a while ago the question of whether or not B is coming to taiwan came up again. he said "i don't know". after that i decided that he wasn't coming and i started to distance myself from him emotionally. last week he told me he is coming with, but we haven't spoken about it further. now i don't know if i even want him to come with! i have been thinking about colin a lot lately and i know i am not completely over everything that happened between us. so can i really put myself fully into another relationship right now? i am not even off all the mood changing drugs yet. i'm not sure if i even know the real me right now! the other distance between B and i at the moment is physical distance. he is very busy and i am not. i hardly ever see him. i am used to spending a lot of time with my boyfriend. i LIKE to spend a lot of time with the person i love. as much time as possible really. that's just me. i want us to be able to share (almost) everything.
life: i am 28. almost 30! what have i done with my life? what have i achieved? where am i going? i find the answers to those questions are "not a helluva lot" OR "i don't know!". how am i living my life right now? am i living it to the fullest? definitely not! i sit around my mom's house reading and watching cartoons. i see friends once in a while. i see my boyfriend once in a while. i'm not achieving anything. maybe i am being too hard on myself. i had brain surgery and i am still coming off certain drugs. i lost two years of my life. two years where i couldn't do a helluva lot. my life would be in a very different place if i had been perfectly healthy. i would probably still be smoking - YUCK!
NO, i am proud of myself! i got an honours degree from university, i ran a half marathon, i went overseas by myself, i learnt chinese, i survived brain surgery and wrote a blog about it, i have my name in a book as the proofreader (the one that i was working on - they sent me a copy), i have almost sold a painting, i am an excellent teacher, i can cook etc etc.

i feel i may be having my quarter life crisis NOW, at 28. but i gotta remember that i am sitting in my mom's house, jobless at 28, with a slew of failed relationships behind me not because i am a loser, but because that's life ... a friend said to me the other day, "give yourself a break, sue! you had brain surgery after all!" - i know she's right.

i am always so strict with myself, i need to lighten up so that i can enjoy the last of my lying around, doing nothing, stress-free holiday. i can't waste this time by feeling guilty. i will make up for this laziness next year.

as elizabeth gilbert does in eat pray love - i am in "pursuit of pleasure". hedonism is still in, right? :-)