Kirstenbosch Crowds
as i think i have mentioned before, i used to be a heavy drinker before i got sick. then i wasn't allowed to drink alcohol for a year and realised what a pointless habit it is. why would you want to spend your money on something that makes you think you're cool when you're actually acting like an ass? something that then makes you feel sick the next day? maybe even sick with shame?! i came to realise that i could have just as much fun without alcohol and that i was just as fun and interesting a person - probably more so! actually - when i wasn't drunk.
then i came home and i was allowed to drink again. i was excited at first and enjoyed drinking with friends and family, BUT i always only drank a little bit. maybe a glass or two of wine. i didnt like the way i started to feel if i drank too much, dizzy and out of control - dangerous. this weekend i reminded myself of why i need to control my drinking. i reminded myself of who i used to be, a person i don't particularly wanna be again (in some respects, anyway).
on sunday, 9 march colin and i went to the kirstenbosch botanical gardens to watch goldfish, an awesome south african band. we got there early and were saving places for some other friends. we had three bottles of wine to tide us over. we had a great time and i was pretty drunk by the end of the concert. the drunkest i have been since i got sick. and it was great! it was like i wasn't sick. i was my old self again. crazy, party, party, dancing sue ... not a care in the world! colin and i got home and decided to go for mojitos at a restaurant near my house. it was a stupid decision - drunk people are well known for making stupid decisions.
Happy
we were very happy when we got there and had two mojitos each in quick succession. neither of us remembers what we talked about but we got into an argument and all i remember is storming out of the restaurant (how embarrassing!). then i was at home and crying and crying, feeling suicidal. colin was in bed already, but i couldn't control myself. i went BERSERK and nearly downed a whole bottle of xanax. i woke my mom up looking for consolation and eventually woke colin up at 4am. he didnt remember what the fight had been about either. so he calmed me down and i eventually fell asleep.i hope this never happens again! i shouldn't have drunk so much alcohol. DUH! it obviously reacted badly with the meds that i am still taking. the scariest thing for me is the 'black outs'. i cant remember what happened! i dont want to turn into that psycho, outta control person again. i want more out of my life and i know colin does too. we both felt terrible the next day and promised each other not to drink like that again - which doesn't mean it's not gonna happen of course! but at least we are both aware.
so, i got taught a valuable lesson this weekend ... one which i thought i had already learnt. and now? i am hesitant to drink again ... but i will. but i dont ever want to end up like that again. THAT was just stupid! and the worst part of the whole experience is that i then had to go and see the psychiatrist the next day with a hangover ...
