yes, yes. today is the anniversary of my gamma knife radio surgery. the one that saved my life by taking it away from me for 2 years. well, it hasnt been 2 years ... but it has been 1 year and 2 months. yay! (insert sarcasm here).
my crying has slowed down to generally only once a day for about an hour now. colin came to move all of his things out of my house on thursday, 10 april. it was really gut-wrenching to see him, but i now really feel what i always knew - i am an amazing, beautiful, sexy, fun-filled etc etc person and he has Lost me. poor colin. i am not romanticising our relationship anymore, i am not crying for the loss of him anymore. i am crying for the loss of ME!
he sent me an sms today saying how he misses me and how awful he feels ... blah blah blah. it was HIS decision?! if he loves me so and misses me so then why did he leave? i have seen the end of quite a few relationships and NONE of my relationships ended with the feeling that it was wrong. so ... i am endeavouring to move on with my life, such as it is ... i had a fantastic shopping spree with my mom today. bought clothes that add to my already blaring sex-appeal. i was having a great day until i got that jarring sms. but i ignored it, even though it brought up all the terrible emotions, all the sobbing, all the depression ... what am i supposed to say anyway?
the thing that i am truly sad about is that i cant be ME! all i wish for, all i dream of is to dress up in my sexy little dress and GO OUT! GO OUT to a CLUB! GO OUT with my FRIENDS! I WANT TO DANCE! I WANT TO FUCK UP THE DANCE FLOOR! I WANT TO PARTY! I WANT TO KISS A SEXY BOY! I WANT TO HAVE FUN! I WANT MY INDEPENDENCE! I WANT MY FREEDOM! I WANT TO LIVE!
BUT i cannot ... instead i am sitting at home alone on a saturday night - even my mother is out! - wishing, dreaming of being NORMAL! (dressing up and dancing in my room, pathetic! - especially since even that gives me convulsions!) so, shame! poor colin! i wonder what friends you are partying with tonight. i wonder what loud music you are jamming to. i wonder where you are drowning your 'sorrows'. i dont ever want to be you - but i'll sure as hell take your health.
and yes, yes ... i know i'm bitter. of course, i'm bitter!
