self-doubt, doubt of others, doubt about the future, fear of the future, nerves, shaking, worrying, panic. i have been driving myself crazy with all this and more since last i wrote. some of these feelings plus the physical shaking and trembling is thanks to clonazepam withdrawals. i am finally completely off the horrid drug, but am still experiencing panic attacks, nervousness, trouble sleeping ... but it has definitely been easier coming off the clonazepam with the help of the cipramil (and some xanax ;-). i'm actually going to see my psychiatrist tomorrow. i need to start coming off the cipramil in the next few months. i wonder what he will try and diagnose me with this time?
i admit that i may suffer from some form of mild depression, but i would prefer to try and tackle it myself rather than rely on drugs - so it's goodbye cipramil! in the spirit of trying to sort myself out i am trying to mentally prepare myself for the self-growth course i will be attending at the end of this month, which includes cutting down on the drinking and partying! hopefully my nerves will have calmed down by then.
last week i was suffering from weird panic attacks during my sleep where i would have a nightmare and then wake up terrified and sweating. i had to call for my mom and take a xanax. i am naturally a bit of a worrier and sitting alone at home all the time doesnt help - although i have also imposed this on myself a bit as i have recently been feeling antisocial and lazy. also a bit nervous (clonazepam again!) about seeing people. this has been made a bit more difficult because my new boyfriend is a very friendly, fun-loving, social person and has been inviting me to meet all his friends and party (when all i really wanna do is cuddle up to him and stay at home) with them often. sometimes i say no, but i cant say no all the time. i have just become a bit too neurotic lately i think. a bit stressed.
what do i have to stress about?! i don't have stressful job, i am staying with my mom and am pretty well-protected from the real world right now. i think maybe i have become so used to being sick that the prospect of being 'normal' again - of having expectations and pressures put on me - scares me. but at the same time i also long for my freedom, my independence, my life and taiwan has begun to symbolise that for me. taiwan is my chance at breaking free again - i feel trapped and hopeless in south africa - but then, what if i feel like that in taiwan too? you cant run away from yourself.
i seem to never be content with what i have. first i just wanted to get better and now i want my life to be perfect. first i just wanted to kiss boys and party and now i have a boyfriend who i am falling for and i wanna be serious about life. i suppose it is all about trying to strike a balance between everything and that means doing NOT thinking. i have been doing way too much thinking, stressing, worrying, etc etc recently to the point where i ended up having my first drunken fight with my new boyfriend on saturday, 9 august. what was the fight about? what else can one really worry about except - THE FUTURE! dum dum dum! i was demanding a serious commitment, something that i know he cant give right now. it was all sorted out in the end, but not before there had been drama ... i bring this drama into my life. i know that. now i must figure out how to control it, how to control my neuroses.
when i was still sick there was a twisted simplicity to my life (although things with colin were incredibly unstable). nothing was expected of me, but to get better. things are starting to complicate again. this new boy is a BIG complication, but i can't avoid it because i think i am falling for him (although i can also nitpick lots of reasons why i shouldn't be with him. sigh) and i'm not sure how strongly he feels about me. i know he is an incredibly emotional, sensitive person, and he protects himself by being calm and trying to stay aloof. i protect myself by causing fights and drama ... testing the person's love maybe ... demanding more attention maybe. i don't know. but i guess at least i am thinking about it. although sometimes i wonder whether you can get yourself into more trouble by thinking and pondering too hard - that is why so many people drink so much. or take drugs. to deaden these lonely, corrosive thoughts.
one would think that by now i, of all people, would have learnt that you cant control the future and so it is silly to worry about it. i think i did learn this and many other lessons, but as i return to 'normal' i am forgetting to apply them practically to my life. i am becoming lazy again. no painting, no photography, less writing, no beading, no dancing, no creativity. more TV and more reading. not that reading is bad, but there must be other things done during the day. activity vs passivity. well, i am writing for the first time in ages (a good sign?) - although this is more just diary writing than anything like storytelling, but it seems to help more when i get my feelings and thoughts onto this blog - things seems clearer somehow. as if all my imagined readers are helping me sort my head out. thanks guys! ;-)
