Boredom

My Brain - Sue Harker

frank herbert wrote in dune, "Fear is the mind-killer ...", but i believe that, "Boredom is the mind-killer ..." not just when you are 'housebound', but in everyday life too. you need to find things that interest you, things you enjoy, things that make you feel fulfilled. i used to be a bored drone, but one of the blessings that has come from what has happened to me is that i have been given all this time that other people don't have, a chance to 'step back' and re-evaluate my life. a chance to rediscover hidden talents, interests and joys that got lost somewhere between the stress of work and drunken weekends.

so, if you are bored here are some things you can do, mostly without even leaving the house ;-) i have spent hours cataloguing and 'touching up' all my precious photographs, organising old music and finding new music, watching entire series of TV shows or movies that i have always meant to watch and even learning to make my own movies. i have found my long forgotten love of writing through this blog, i found/find the outside world fantastic and exciting and love photographing it, i have started painting again (ambitious plans for using my MRI images to create triptychs) and i still have many books i want to read. i have time to correspond with friends that are far away and to take afternoon cat naps, hmmm ... love those!

my 'tragedy' has also become my 'awakening'. an 'awakening' to how extraordinary life is and how much there is to marvel at and be grateful for in the world.

Mind

my continuing recovery has been an unpredictable roller coaster ride of hope and despair, hope and despair, with a big dollop of fear. while writing my narrative i have attempted to describe my feelings and state of mind at the time so i am not going to rehash old material. if you have read my whole blog then you know that i have had times of peace and reflection, happiness and hope, but i have also experienced mind-numbing terror, depression and panic.

becoming ill, getting treatment, recovering. it is not a linear process. it is impossible to be positive and calm all the time, you will have 'freak outs', you have to have 'breakdowns' and many of them, but then you have to pull yourself up again. and this is the important part, this is the real test of strength; can you pull yourself away from the edge, can you avoid self-destructing? yes you can, but not on your own. you need to have people who will listen to your raving and accept it, let it run its course and then make you a cup of tea when it's over. you have to be able to do this yourself too, while you are falling apart you need to remember that things were okay before and they will be okay again.

i feel like a bit of hypocrit saying this as i never remember, but i am lucky to have a patient boyfriend, a few good friends and an understanding mother who help me remember. i am also guilty of beating myself up about my freak outs, i get angry with myself for being so weak and i feel guilty for putting my loved ones through so many crises (saga) when really it is normal, natural to 'lose it' every so often. in fact, if i didn't, if i kept it all bottled up inside, imagine what would happen when i did finally acknowledge my feelings, i would 'go postal'.

this blog is also a great outlet for me. i find that i am able to write my darkest thoughts 'out of my head and onto the page', once they're on the page then they're not in my head anymore. i can read my feelings, appreciate their validity and then realise that these dark emotions; guilt, depression, frustration are products of my own mind. they are unproductive (but often unavoidable) and sap my energy, waste my time.

i guess what i am really trying to say with this post is that i am alright, i am doing well. time marches inexorably forward and with it so does my recovery, whether i want it to or not ;-). i want to allay the fears of those lovely people who care about me (and have all been so worried) and to try and explain how this blog has become very useful to me. i am using it not only to tell a story, but as a cathartic, psychological tool, and it is working pretty well so far ;-). so, dear people; don't worry about me! when i write these evil thoughts down, that is a positive sign, that means i am dealing with them. i feel a litle bit better every time a word hits the page ...