Well i have finally caught up to myself and can now write in the present tense rather than in the past. i suppose this means the tone of this blog will change a bit and maybe i won't blog quite as often now that i don't feel like i am playing 'catch-up'.
so, physically i seem to be going backwards in my recovery right now. more convulsions, nausea, trouble walking etc. no more walks in the neighbourhood or photography for me, which is very frustrating. i loved taking photos when i went outside and 'outside' is still a 'wonderland' to me (although i'd love to go further, and photograph more). i was so happy and positive when i saw all the improvement i was making and i rushed headlong back into life; "i am going back to work in august and i am flying 20 hours to south africa in january for my grandfather's 80th birthday". but now it all seems so impossible, a joke that i thought i would be able to just will myself better and do all these things. i set a timetable that i am stressing i won't be able to follow because my brain is now saying, "oh no, you don't. i'm not finished with you!" so i feel like i have gone two steps back and that all the positive improvement i saw is meaningless. i am drowning and i don't know if i have the strength to get to the surface for some air.
i have also been stuck in my little flat and my little neighbourhood for a very long time now and spend the majority of my time alone. generally, i like spending time by myself, but i think that it is starting to get to me. i have few friends, and not very good friends at that, in taipei and some friends who live in other parts of the country (whom i obviously don't see). i think people feel uncomfortable around me and don't know how to deal with me, perhaps they find me depressing and a bit scary. a living reminder of how fragile our lives are. and i can't party and drink with them so i am also pretty boring. basically, i don't get visitors very often.
colin works all day and so he needs to spend time alone when he gets home from work and on weekends. this is of course completely opposite to what i need. i spend my entire day alone trying to entertain myself, so i find it especially depressing when i have to do it when colin is also at home. i want human contact and his attention. i want to join the human race. this tug-of-war between colin's needs and my needs have led to fights two weekends in a row now. i understand that he needs his 'own time', but i can't help feeling particularly lonely when he is at home, but not with me.
so, currently i am battling crippling feelings of boredom, frustration, depression exacerbated by my physical incapacitation and the routine i have fallen into at home. my recovery period stretches out before me, seemingly never-ending and i often doubt i have the endurance, the stamina to get through it. i feel like all the superwoman strength i had has been used up, 'she's got no more fuel, she's going down!'
anybody who has ever experienced these feelings will know how difficult it is to pull yourself out of the hole. but even when i do try and do things to cheer myself up i end up feeling miserable about them later. like buying myself little presents - clothes, jewellery and other decorations - only to realise that i have nowhere to 'show them off' or buying presents for friends and family members that i hope to see in south africa in january, only to realise that the chances of me being able to survive the 20 hour flight there are slim. of course, i have experienced these feelings a million times during this whole ordeal and each time the reasons are no less valid.
a wise friend said to me that, all recovery is cyclical. you get a glimpse of you; whole and beautiful, and then you get pulled back down into the hole. but you have to remember that if you keep fighting; each time you come up for air, you'll be able to take longer and longer breaths until, finally, the hole is a distant memory and it's just you in the sunshine.
so, physically i seem to be going backwards in my recovery right now. more convulsions, nausea, trouble walking etc. no more walks in the neighbourhood or photography for me, which is very frustrating. i loved taking photos when i went outside and 'outside' is still a 'wonderland' to me (although i'd love to go further, and photograph more). i was so happy and positive when i saw all the improvement i was making and i rushed headlong back into life; "i am going back to work in august and i am flying 20 hours to south africa in january for my grandfather's 80th birthday". but now it all seems so impossible, a joke that i thought i would be able to just will myself better and do all these things. i set a timetable that i am stressing i won't be able to follow because my brain is now saying, "oh no, you don't. i'm not finished with you!" so i feel like i have gone two steps back and that all the positive improvement i saw is meaningless. i am drowning and i don't know if i have the strength to get to the surface for some air.
i have also been stuck in my little flat and my little neighbourhood for a very long time now and spend the majority of my time alone. generally, i like spending time by myself, but i think that it is starting to get to me. i have few friends, and not very good friends at that, in taipei and some friends who live in other parts of the country (whom i obviously don't see). i think people feel uncomfortable around me and don't know how to deal with me, perhaps they find me depressing and a bit scary. a living reminder of how fragile our lives are. and i can't party and drink with them so i am also pretty boring. basically, i don't get visitors very often.
colin works all day and so he needs to spend time alone when he gets home from work and on weekends. this is of course completely opposite to what i need. i spend my entire day alone trying to entertain myself, so i find it especially depressing when i have to do it when colin is also at home. i want human contact and his attention. i want to join the human race. this tug-of-war between colin's needs and my needs have led to fights two weekends in a row now. i understand that he needs his 'own time', but i can't help feeling particularly lonely when he is at home, but not with me.
so, currently i am battling crippling feelings of boredom, frustration, depression exacerbated by my physical incapacitation and the routine i have fallen into at home. my recovery period stretches out before me, seemingly never-ending and i often doubt i have the endurance, the stamina to get through it. i feel like all the superwoman strength i had has been used up, 'she's got no more fuel, she's going down!'
anybody who has ever experienced these feelings will know how difficult it is to pull yourself out of the hole. but even when i do try and do things to cheer myself up i end up feeling miserable about them later. like buying myself little presents - clothes, jewellery and other decorations - only to realise that i have nowhere to 'show them off' or buying presents for friends and family members that i hope to see in south africa in january, only to realise that the chances of me being able to survive the 20 hour flight there are slim. of course, i have experienced these feelings a million times during this whole ordeal and each time the reasons are no less valid.
a wise friend said to me that, all recovery is cyclical. you get a glimpse of you; whole and beautiful, and then you get pulled back down into the hole. but you have to remember that if you keep fighting; each time you come up for air, you'll be able to take longer and longer breaths until, finally, the hole is a distant memory and it's just you in the sunshine.
