Lost

so ... what's been happening? i hear you cry. quite a lot really. the week after my pearly beach trip i was a mess. i spent the whole week with colin (alternating between his house/hovel and mine), which was fantastic. i slept a helluva lot, but when i was awake i just cuddled, chatted and watched movies with colin. we hadnt spent much time together, just the two of us and that week from monday, january 14 to saturday, january 19 was great. it gave us a chance to discuss a lot of things and just to enjoy each other's company. it was like living together again and it felt good. after colin left my house on saturday, january 19 i was so sad. i felt lonely and missed him as soon as he was gone, i missed that feeling of togetherness, comfortableness that comes only when you live with someone. colin came back and stayed with me on monday, january 21 and tuesday, january 22 again so we weren't apart for too long. and now i am back into the routine of being on my own most of the time and i dont mind it too much.

i have, however, been trying to convince colin to move into my mom's house with me. my sister has moved out (in a dramatic fashion - there was another blow-up on tuesday, january 15 and i now dont even want to be associated with her. she is psychotic, lost to me forever.) so her room is free. colin is miserable in the house that he is staying in for many reasons and the rent for my sister's room is a lot cheaper plus we get to live together again. i feel a particular urgency in this matter now since colin is leaving south africa. it is pretty much impossible to find a job and support oneself in cape town and colin wants to save a lot of money so that he can go back to studying. so, he wants to go and teach english in south korea as soon as possible. why should he be stuck in south africa just because i am? he also has a life to live and he is healthy and free to live it. if i were healthy i would go to south korea with him (i am struggling to find a way of making money in cape town), but i cant and this makes me very sad and frustrated.

we have spoken about plans that we could make. he could save for both of us and i could join him when i am better, BUT i dont know when i will be better! AARGH! i hate long distance relationships, i dont believe in them! but i am willing to give it a try with colin. if i am lucky i will recover early and be able to get a 'clean bill of health' before february 2009, but at the moment i am still sick. i still have convulsions, i still cant do too much or walk too far. my recovery is agonisingly slow; following an incredibly frustrating 'two steps forward, one step back' dance, which depresses me (eg: i cant have sex anymore as it is still causing convulsions!). although, GOOD news; i am weaning myself off the clonazepam at the moment. one less drug in my system is always 'two steps forward ...'

but i can just imagine myself stuck in cape town, lost, not making money, getting more and more depressed and lonely while colin is far away, making money and moving forward with his life. it's not that i dont trust him ... i just know how easy it is for two people's lives to drift apart, how quickly it can happen. i feel helpless, hopeless, trapped, lonely, scared, uninterested in life. i have been making a huge effort to see friends and do things, to stave off the emptiness and depression, but now i need to let it roll over me for a while. i dont want to see people. i dont want to make plans. all i can see is my sickness. i cant imagine my future as a healthy person. when people ask me, "what are your plans for the future?" my answer is, "i want to get better."

but i am coming to terms with what has to happen. i just wish colin would spend his last few months in south africa living with me in my mom's house. and once i am out of this particular funk that i have fallen into there are things that i can do. i need to start focusing on my own future. i have been sending my CV off for any 'work at home' job opportunities ... none of which have been successful. but i am downloading an editing/layout program, which i am going to teach myself how to use. i have a test for freelance editors that was sent to me by one big publishing company. i will complete that test when i have learnt the program and hopefully i will be able to get some work from this publishing house. i have offered my services to other publishing companies and magazines and none seem interested. even if learning this new program doesnt help me get a job, it will at least help me transform this blog into a book. of course my story is not finished, but if i cant make money this year then i might as well be productive in designing my book.

so my future? (it scares me) i hope i will recover and be able to join colin in south korea. i enjoy teaching english and i enjoy travelling. i want to make back my savings and then i want to travel asia and europe teaching english. maybe i will do a correspondence course to get my teacher's diploma and become a real teacher in what ever country i decide to settle in. or maybe i will choose another career path, another avenue of study. all i know right now is that; i want to get better, i want to write my book, i want to travel and teach, i want to find a country i can settle in (i cant live in south africa) and i hope that i can do all this with colin. so, i am feeling anti-social, depressed and fatalistic, but i know i just have to keep on trying ... things will get better. PLEASE.