Reshuffle

reshuffle ... reshuffle what? reshuffle my life, reshuffle my plans, reshuffle my feelings ... well, i'm being a bit dramatic, but i have a tendency towards high drama - as you might have noticed. what has really happened recently is a bit of a setback in one way ... maybe not, in another. oooh ... i'm being so 'mysterious'. lets start at the beginning.

my last post i was ranting and raving because i couldnt go out to a club. i was upset that i had had a convulsion when i have been doing so well and feeling so good. well, i ended up going out with some friends on friday, may 16 anyway. just not to a club. we went to a food and wine expo. it was great fun and i got pretty drunk tasting all the wines from different vineyards. it was then decided that we would go to a bar afterwards. i happened to bump into an old friend that i hadnt seen in years. my other friends left and i decided to stay and chat to my long-lost friend and his buddy. then my long-lost friend left and it was just me and his buddy. i was really drunk by then, but i do know that the guy i was talking to was a nice guy. the bar closed at 4am and i was walked home. then this guy asked me for a kiss!

this is what i have been going on about. this is what i have been dying to do. go out, party with friends, kiss a guy. but when it came down to the crunch i freaked out. i told him i couldnt and he went home. it hasnt been quite 2 months since colin broke up with me and as much as i thought i was ready to carry on, obviously my heart is not ready. i woke up on saturday, may 17 feeling really hungover and guilty. i actually started crying. i was freaked out by what had happened the night before. why? is it because i dont want to fall back into old, drunken behaviour patterns? (partly) is it maybe that i'm not ready for that much independence, that much reality? (probably) is it because i am experiencing clonazepam withdrawals that are making me edgy and paranoid? (definitely)

i ended up having a panic attack that afternoon. it was so bad that my whole body was shaking, i was bawling, TERRIFIED, paranoid ... i had been feeling jittery, paranoid, a bit depressed for the last two weeks but i was handling it! i was so determined that i could come off the clonazepam by myself. especially since things were going so well for me. i had a close-to-normal social life, which made me so happy.

now, all of a sudden, i was scared of everything, i was stressed about everything, i couldnt cope! i canceled two social engagements and spent the rest of the weekend in bed. i also spoke to colin. yes, i phoned him. i dont like ignoring each other and i feel that he is the only person who truly understands what i have been through. we have a bond, a connection ... something that will never be broken. we had a good chat. speaking to him made me feel better on two fronts. first, it cemented for me that i dont want to be involved with him - as he was proudly telling stories of drinking too much, partying, irresponsibility etc. a self-destructive lifestyle that makes me worry about him, but also makes me glad i'm not part of it anymore. second, he wants us to be in contact, he says he is not over me (we will never be 'over' each other - we will always occupy a space in each others hearts) and that i am his best friend. he wants to have dinner some time. i told him to stay in contact. i hope he does, because the next effort at contact needs to come from him. i would like us to have dinner some time (not now!). more closure for me? i think so.

i saw the psychiatrist on monday, may 19. now, he wants to diagnose me with some kind of anxiety disorder - last time it was depression - jeez! but i got what i wanted in the end. he gave me the anti-depressant that he had suggested to me the first time when i had had such bad withdrawals. THANK YOU!

now i have to wait a month for the anti-depressant, cipramil to kick-in and hopefully that will help me come off the clonazepam. then i will have to come off the cipramil. everything is delayed! ARGH! and the side-effects of the cipramil are horrid - today, anyway. i feel nauseous, i have a headache, my stomach is cramping and i just generally dont wanna get out of bed, let alone be social and do creative things that would normally make me happy. i feel like a baby. i want someone to come and hold me and make me feel better BUT happiness comes from within. so, right now ... i cant party ... i dont want to party. drinking is the LAST thing i want to do! but i have a friend coming round for tea tomorrow and another friend hopefully coming to visit on thursday. oh, and i had a lovely dinner with a group of friends last night. so, its not all bad. i'm just going back a little for a while. i'm going to feel sick again, before i can feel better again. *SIGH*

if this cipramil doesnt work im going to fucking SCREAM!