this is my current demon, the drugs in general and xanax in particular. i have to take my prescribed medication, all the while knowing that it is damaging my liver. my liver is, in fact, 'in the red' at the moment. not by a lot, but it is still pretty scary what these meds can do to one's liver even when you are eating healthy, not drinking etc etc. i also know that as i take this medication my body becomes more and more dependent, physically addicted, to it and this makes me uncomfortable. of course, i know that eventually i will be weaned off the meds and i will be fine, it's not like i'm a crack addict, but i don't like the thought that my meds are insinuating themselves so seamlessly into my mind-body chemistry.
before i continue, i should explain that i started taking recreational drugs, drinking alcohol and chain smoking by the age of 18. i used to go on weekend binges for months at a time. i would snort, smoke, swallow, inhale anything that i could get my hands on. i told you, i was the party girl. i have taken; marijuana, hash, ecstasy, acid, mushrooms, cocaine, ketamine, speed ... often two or three at the same time, always with large quantities of alcohol and without a care in the world. in fact, a few weeks before i started having my first symptoms colin and i had a party at our flat where ecstasy, hash, marijuana, ketamine and vast amounts of alcohol were consumed. so, it might seem strange that, now i should be so worried about pharmaceutical drugs that are prescribed to me by a doctor.
but, i guess that this whole experience has made me realise how fragile my body/the human body is, how easily vital organs can be damaged and how inter-connected everything inside the body is. my AVM has done things to my mind-body that no drug ever could. i have experienced, first-hand how one problem in the brain can affect one's eyes, one's ears, one's balance, one's muscles, one's stomach, one's liver, everything. my own mortality, my own frailty has been shoved in my face over and over again and it has made me realise how precious my body/everybody's body is, how tenuous our hold on life. i am not indestructible, not even close, no one is. i can't say that i will never take drugs again, but right now the very idea just seems ridiculous. i can't wait for my first glass of red wine though ;-).
but let's get back to my current pharmaceutical drug dilemma. i'll start with the more innocent medication first. acetaminophen (500mg), just your basic headache tablet. i was and still am suffering from constant headaches and on average, i used to pop about 5 headache tablets a day. this is way above the recommended dosage of 3 a day over a period of 3 days. use of acetaminophen can cause hepatoxicity (liver damage) when used alongside phenytoin for a lengthy period of time. to combat this danger, i have consciously been trying to take less headache tablets. it is something that i need to constantly be aware of. i am also starting to accept the headaches as a daily part of my life. i try to just 'live with them' and always assess the severity of the headache before reaching for a 'magic pill'. so currently, on bad days i may take 3, on a good day i may not take any.
the next medication causing me some consternation is the clonazepam. for the last few months i have been taking a steady dose of 4mg a day, but recently i have started taking 5 - 6mg a day. now, this should not be that worrying as i know that over time the body builds up a resistance to the clonazepam and it often becomes necessary to 'up the dosage'. but my condition should be improving, my brain should be healing, my convulsions lessening; so my need for the clonazepam should be decreasing or at least remain constant, but instead it is increasing. my neurologist, dr.tai's words that i am 'stable' start ringing in my ears at this point. i am not actually 'improving'. bah humbug! there is also a psychological aspect to this problem, which i feel is also linked to my use of the dreaded xanax.
i began taking a lot of xanax a few weeks ago and then followed a mad, nervous breakdown (Breakdown), which nearly tore colin and i apart and saw me in 'the nuthouse'. but i recovered and decided to avoid the stuff like the plague. you see, what happens with the xanax is that it makes you feel wonderful and relaxed while in your system, but afterwards you are left feeling grumpy and empty. this effect becomes worse the more xanax you take and that is what led me to my 'crazy-fit'. so for about two weeks i was xanax-free and actually gave a whole lot away to a friend because i had no use for it. i even suffered through hour+ long convulsions because i was refusing to take the xanax. but now i have started taking it again, 0.5mg - 1mg a day.
i think it was wednesday, july 4 i started having a really strong, scary convulsion at about 8:30pm. colin commanded that i take xanax even while i was protesting. colin calls for xanax whenever i even feel like i am going to have a convulsion and it is pretty difficult to fight him off when i'm feeling sick. now, this doesn't make him 'the bad guy', he just hates watching helplessly as i 'shake, rattle and roll' and scream incoherently. xanax is his magic pill to make his girlfriend better and it works like a charm. i have always tried to be stoic about my illness. i don't freak out about a few muscle spasms, or some nausea. i only take extra medication when a real convulsion takes hold.
but now i find myself following colin's lead - of my own volition, i am not so weak-minded as to just blindly follow colin's orders. if i feel like i am going to have a convulsion i often take clonazepam, and increasingly also xanax, before the 'main event' has even started, i try to 'head it off at the pass'. i also now often take extra clonazepam (and, again, increasingly also xanax) before i go out on a particularly stressful outing. these are currently numerous what with the stress of finding and buying furniture, and i also have several dentist appointments lined up (oops!). i started reasoning; "why am i suffering needlessly, when i have the tools to ease my suffering? dr. tai always gives me way more xanax and clonazepam than i actually use every month, he wouldn't give it to me if he didn't think it was safe for me to ingest that much. fuck stoicism! why am i trying to be so hardcore anyway? i should just take the drugs and make my life easier, more comfortable."
and so here i am; a day away from the 5 month mark, improved and now stable, and taking more drugs than i ever have before. i guess it was my pride, more than anything else, that stopped me guzzling the xanax and clonazepam for so long and it is my pride that is making me feel i am weak for turning to the drugs for help now. i look back on the amount of pain, terror and trauma that i have survived and feel that i should still be that strong, i should still be superwoman (especially since my condition is a lot better than it was a few months ago). but the truth is, i am fucking TIRED. TIRED of the convulsions, TIRED of the pain, TIRED of the suffering, TIRED of being a fucking stoic (what is the point of stoicism anyway?). now, i just want/need some rest, some comfort and if i have to give up my title as superwoman, if i have to swallow my pride and a whole lotta drugs to do it, maybe i should ...
before i continue, i should explain that i started taking recreational drugs, drinking alcohol and chain smoking by the age of 18. i used to go on weekend binges for months at a time. i would snort, smoke, swallow, inhale anything that i could get my hands on. i told you, i was the party girl. i have taken; marijuana, hash, ecstasy, acid, mushrooms, cocaine, ketamine, speed ... often two or three at the same time, always with large quantities of alcohol and without a care in the world. in fact, a few weeks before i started having my first symptoms colin and i had a party at our flat where ecstasy, hash, marijuana, ketamine and vast amounts of alcohol were consumed. so, it might seem strange that, now i should be so worried about pharmaceutical drugs that are prescribed to me by a doctor.
but, i guess that this whole experience has made me realise how fragile my body/the human body is, how easily vital organs can be damaged and how inter-connected everything inside the body is. my AVM has done things to my mind-body that no drug ever could. i have experienced, first-hand how one problem in the brain can affect one's eyes, one's ears, one's balance, one's muscles, one's stomach, one's liver, everything. my own mortality, my own frailty has been shoved in my face over and over again and it has made me realise how precious my body/everybody's body is, how tenuous our hold on life. i am not indestructible, not even close, no one is. i can't say that i will never take drugs again, but right now the very idea just seems ridiculous. i can't wait for my first glass of red wine though ;-).
but let's get back to my current pharmaceutical drug dilemma. i'll start with the more innocent medication first. acetaminophen (500mg), just your basic headache tablet. i was and still am suffering from constant headaches and on average, i used to pop about 5 headache tablets a day. this is way above the recommended dosage of 3 a day over a period of 3 days. use of acetaminophen can cause hepatoxicity (liver damage) when used alongside phenytoin for a lengthy period of time. to combat this danger, i have consciously been trying to take less headache tablets. it is something that i need to constantly be aware of. i am also starting to accept the headaches as a daily part of my life. i try to just 'live with them' and always assess the severity of the headache before reaching for a 'magic pill'. so currently, on bad days i may take 3, on a good day i may not take any.
the next medication causing me some consternation is the clonazepam. for the last few months i have been taking a steady dose of 4mg a day, but recently i have started taking 5 - 6mg a day. now, this should not be that worrying as i know that over time the body builds up a resistance to the clonazepam and it often becomes necessary to 'up the dosage'. but my condition should be improving, my brain should be healing, my convulsions lessening; so my need for the clonazepam should be decreasing or at least remain constant, but instead it is increasing. my neurologist, dr.tai's words that i am 'stable' start ringing in my ears at this point. i am not actually 'improving'. bah humbug! there is also a psychological aspect to this problem, which i feel is also linked to my use of the dreaded xanax.
i began taking a lot of xanax a few weeks ago and then followed a mad, nervous breakdown (Breakdown), which nearly tore colin and i apart and saw me in 'the nuthouse'. but i recovered and decided to avoid the stuff like the plague. you see, what happens with the xanax is that it makes you feel wonderful and relaxed while in your system, but afterwards you are left feeling grumpy and empty. this effect becomes worse the more xanax you take and that is what led me to my 'crazy-fit'. so for about two weeks i was xanax-free and actually gave a whole lot away to a friend because i had no use for it. i even suffered through hour+ long convulsions because i was refusing to take the xanax. but now i have started taking it again, 0.5mg - 1mg a day.
i think it was wednesday, july 4 i started having a really strong, scary convulsion at about 8:30pm. colin commanded that i take xanax even while i was protesting. colin calls for xanax whenever i even feel like i am going to have a convulsion and it is pretty difficult to fight him off when i'm feeling sick. now, this doesn't make him 'the bad guy', he just hates watching helplessly as i 'shake, rattle and roll' and scream incoherently. xanax is his magic pill to make his girlfriend better and it works like a charm. i have always tried to be stoic about my illness. i don't freak out about a few muscle spasms, or some nausea. i only take extra medication when a real convulsion takes hold.
but now i find myself following colin's lead - of my own volition, i am not so weak-minded as to just blindly follow colin's orders. if i feel like i am going to have a convulsion i often take clonazepam, and increasingly also xanax, before the 'main event' has even started, i try to 'head it off at the pass'. i also now often take extra clonazepam (and, again, increasingly also xanax) before i go out on a particularly stressful outing. these are currently numerous what with the stress of finding and buying furniture, and i also have several dentist appointments lined up (oops!). i started reasoning; "why am i suffering needlessly, when i have the tools to ease my suffering? dr. tai always gives me way more xanax and clonazepam than i actually use every month, he wouldn't give it to me if he didn't think it was safe for me to ingest that much. fuck stoicism! why am i trying to be so hardcore anyway? i should just take the drugs and make my life easier, more comfortable."
and so here i am; a day away from the 5 month mark, improved and now stable, and taking more drugs than i ever have before. i guess it was my pride, more than anything else, that stopped me guzzling the xanax and clonazepam for so long and it is my pride that is making me feel i am weak for turning to the drugs for help now. i look back on the amount of pain, terror and trauma that i have survived and feel that i should still be that strong, i should still be superwoman (especially since my condition is a lot better than it was a few months ago). but the truth is, i am fucking TIRED. TIRED of the convulsions, TIRED of the pain, TIRED of the suffering, TIRED of being a fucking stoic (what is the point of stoicism anyway?). now, i just want/need some rest, some comfort and if i have to give up my title as superwoman, if i have to swallow my pride and a whole lotta drugs to do it, maybe i should ...
