well, i did what i planned to do and i realised that i shouldn't be beating myself up for not being able to deal with the withdrawals. after being back on 1 mg clonazepam and going up to 40 mg cipramil a day, i feel 100 times better! i feel close to normal! and feeling that makes me realise how psychotic i was feeling before when i was struggling with the withdrawals. literally, the next morning after i took my new dosage of meds i felt good. now it has been just over a week, the initial euphoria from the increase in cipramil has died down and i have gone down to 0.5 mg of clonazepam a day now. i think i will probably stay on this dosage for 2 weeks and then go down to zero. as my mom said to me, i am the only one who is putting pressure on myself or rushing myself. i still have to wait till december to hopefully get my final health check done anyway. i still have lotsa time to get rid of all the drugs in my system. i foresee problems coming off the cipramil too and plan to take that super slowly. although i think i can probably come down to 20 mg a day within a month.
anyway, enough about my medication. what else is happening in my life? well, i am still getting work doing editing and writing for the same publishing company, but i have also sent my CV in to a big publishing company in cape town to try and get a regular 9-5 job. i am getting really sick of being stuck in my house and i also need to start making more money if i wanna be able to afford my ticket back to taiwan early next year. i'll have to wait and see if i get a position though. i have decided that i am going on this life coaching course this weekend, although it is going to be very taxing. it runs from friday to sunday 8:30 am to 10:30 pm - EXHAUSTING! i am a little nervous as to how well i am going to handle such long days, but it will be a good indication as to whether i am ready for a steady job yet. if i am really struggling i can always pull out of the course, although i wouldn't want to do this. i think this could be a very valuable weekend for me.
what else am i planning? well, i am going to be visiting friends in another town, Grahamstown. i went to university in this town and have a lot of really good friends there that i can't wait to see. i will also be staying on a friend's farm for 2 nights which will be fantastic. i just need to book my bus tickets, 14 september - 21 september.
enough about the future, what about the past? firstly, on tuesday 19 august B (new boyfriend) and i went up Table Mountain on the cable car. it was a beautiful day and we had a great time walking on the top of the mountain. it was also the day before our 2 month anniversary. B pointed this out! he always remembers. how cute!
i also managed to see some friends on wednesday and thursday night and have started enjoying drinking red wine again. hooray for good south african red wine! i am definitely moving away from the crazy party vibe and into the chilled night with friends vibe. although i still love going out and dancing! so, on friday 22 august B and i went to watch a friend of mine's band launch their first CD. it was a great show and we had a good night, but then we had to wake up early the next morning to go to a friend's memorial service. this friend had died suddenly while overseas and B and i, plus some of my friends, are friends with the brother, and the father was my lecturer at university. this was a very tragic occasion and there wasn't a dry eye anywhere as the father, mother and brother each said beautiful, moving things. it was really hard watching the father and brother cry too.
saturday 23 august after the memorial, B and i went back to his parent's fabulous comfy house and slept. then we went out for dinner and to a friend's birthday party. then back to B's house for more sleeping and cuddling. sunday 24 august i spent time with B and his family and then we went for dinner and a movie. we spent the whole weekend together and it was lovely. i am back home now, having slept at home last night. we don't wanna start living in each others' pockets!
all in all, i have been happy the last week - i'm sure the cipramil has helped in this. i have been seeing friends, doing work and getting closer to B and just generally having a great time with him. one bad thing about the cipramil that i must mention is that it messes with my ability to orgasm. i still have a sex drive etc, but can't seem to reach end point. very frustrating, but a small price to pay for mental stability i suppose.
at the moment, that is the only thing that is worrying me, besides my nagging fear that coming off the clonazepam will drive me bonkers again. i have all these plans for the next month or so. i don't want to have to cancel them! i really need to move forward in my life - even if it is at a snail's pace. things have gotten so much better for me, and i want this trend to continue! GO SUE, GO!
