Fighting

January 14 2007

Being sick all the time is incredibly stressful not to mention frightening, especially when you are in a foreign country (with a different language) far away from family. we all know sick people are a 'pain in the ass' to deal with. they are completely self-involved, they whine all the time, they are useless, clingy and desperate. and for good reason, they are sick. when you are sick the only important thing in the world is that you get treated gently by all and sundry until you recover. you require everyones sympathy, attention and patience. this is exactly how i felt. the AVM was in my brain, affecting my body, it was all about me. other people's problems didn't even exist, let alone matter. i felt completely alone and helpless as much as colin was there to help, it was ultimately me that was suffering, it was me that was enduring all the pain and worry. everything should be done according to how i was feeling, nobody else even had feelings as far as i was concerned.

this mindset is what set off my righteous anger that sunday. colin and i had been having disagreements since i had gotten home. he was getting angry and bossy with me, telling me not to walk around the house, telling me when to take my medicine, getting angry with me if i wasn't resting enough. he seemed especially irritable and bossy while i was having my terrifying convulsions , when all i wanted was someone to just calm me down and tell me i wasn't going to die (of course he was acting like that because he was scared for me, but i didn't understand that for a long time). i kept telling him that he had no right to tell me what to do. it was my body, my brain, it had nothing to do with him, he had no idea how i was feeling. the argument escalated, especially since we are both 'hot-heads'. colin started trying to explain to me how he was feeling, that i was making him feel inadequate, like he was a 'bad person'. i felt that it was unfair of him to burden me with his problems and feelings. you are just causing me more stress, stop shouting at me! This is not about you!

this is when he stormed out the door. i was terrified. he had left me alone, sick and helpless. he had no cellphone, i didn't know where he was going or when he was coming back. how could he do this to me? two of our friends arrived about 30 minutes later. we had organised to see them before the argument had started, obviously. they found me in hysterics, calmed me down and got the story. it was decided that i would come and stay with them for a few days. just to give colin and me a break. they made me realise that he was also under extreme pressure, being the only person looking after me and still trying to juggle work. so, they would look after me for a few days, give him time away from the hysterical, whingeing sick person. colin arrived back while i was still writing the letter of explanation. i had thought he had gone drinking with his buddies, but he had actually gone to the supermarket (not a bad guy after all). he was angry and didn't want me to go.

but i did go, and spent two relaxing days with our lovely friends. the wife even helped me go to taiwan university hospital on tuesday morning, January 16th to pick up all my medical 'stuff'. during the time i was away my friends helped me realise how selfish i had been. that colin was right, i had been a 'pain in the ass' and had tested his patience to the limit. that what was happening to ME was happening to HIM too. i was expecting him to be a saint, but he was just a 25 year old man watching the person he loved suffer and not being able to do a helluva lot about it. this helplessness is especially frustrating to men who always want to be able to 'solve' the problem. it took me a long time to fully realise that he was/is doing the best he can, all out of love for me and that i was/am completely self-involved. actually, it took both of us a long time to come to terms with and accept each others short-comings. this is especially important when i am having bad convulsions and screaming that i want to die. colin now just tells me it will pass, everything will be fine and please don't say you want to die because i want you to live.