the crazy reared it's ugly head once again yesterday, saturday july 22. colin and i had another stupid misunderstanding and he said "leave me alone!". fine, i'll leave. so, i packed my bag quickly and was out the front door within 10 minutes. i had had enough. i didn't want to be with him anymore, i didn't want to rely on him anymore, i didn't want to be stuck in that flat anymore, i didn't want to be swaddled in cotton wool anymore, i didn't want my life anymore. i wanted to do things on my own, i wanted to feel strong, independent and resourceful again, i wanted to be a full person, i wanted to be a real woman, i wanted to be normal. i headed straight for the nearest hotel and checked in.
i felt free. i had done that all by myself. i had thrown caution to the wind and done what i wanted to do for a change, not what the doctors and others told me to do. i was breaking the rules and i was my own master again. i felt empowered and was happy in my little hotel room, happy to be somewhere different. ecstatic that i had got there under my own steam, i could do these things for myself. i had a bath and went to sleep. of course, colin was upset and worried about me and phoned me telling me i was being silly and that i should just come home, that he loved me. he was right, of course, but i was having none of it. "no, i'm not coming home. you can come and see me in my hotel room." i can survive without you, i don't need you.
colin came and we went for a lunch that was strained and angry. i left as soon as i had finished my food, i wasn't about to sit and watch him finish his beer. i didn't need him to walk me back to my hotel room, dammit. he didn't want to come and stay the night in the room with me. i invited him thinking it would be good to be somewhere different, neutral ground or something. but he was adamant that i just come home. i was back in my little room, righteously angry for some or other reason. i lay down to try and sleep again, not forgetting to take my medication of course - that was/is one thing that i still couldn't escape.
after a while of lying in the dark my indignant independence faded away and i didn't want to lie in the dark anymore. i wanted to be in the light, i wanted to be happy again. i missed my colin terribly. i phoned him, "i'm sorry, i just want us to love each other and be happy!" why can't we seem to do that? it should be simple, but in our current situation it is so complicated, difficult, sometimes impossible - actually even when the situation is 'normal' it is difficult. "just come home." i did. i walked by myself back home.
we lay and held each other for a while, talking a bit. i was just so happy that he wasn't angry with me, i wasn't angry with him anymore. i felt safe and loved. how could i have ever thought i wanted to be apart from him? i must have been crazy! we were reconciled, for the umpteenth time. i have lost count of the amount of times we have fought, broken up, been hateful towards each other only to realise that we can't live without each other. it always makes me think of a quote from the movie, The Mexican;
colin came and we went for a lunch that was strained and angry. i left as soon as i had finished my food, i wasn't about to sit and watch him finish his beer. i didn't need him to walk me back to my hotel room, dammit. he didn't want to come and stay the night in the room with me. i invited him thinking it would be good to be somewhere different, neutral ground or something. but he was adamant that i just come home. i was back in my little room, righteously angry for some or other reason. i lay down to try and sleep again, not forgetting to take my medication of course - that was/is one thing that i still couldn't escape.
after a while of lying in the dark my indignant independence faded away and i didn't want to lie in the dark anymore. i wanted to be in the light, i wanted to be happy again. i missed my colin terribly. i phoned him, "i'm sorry, i just want us to love each other and be happy!" why can't we seem to do that? it should be simple, but in our current situation it is so complicated, difficult, sometimes impossible - actually even when the situation is 'normal' it is difficult. "just come home." i did. i walked by myself back home.
we lay and held each other for a while, talking a bit. i was just so happy that he wasn't angry with me, i wasn't angry with him anymore. i felt safe and loved. how could i have ever thought i wanted to be apart from him? i must have been crazy! we were reconciled, for the umpteenth time. i have lost count of the amount of times we have fought, broken up, been hateful towards each other only to realise that we can't live without each other. it always makes me think of a quote from the movie, The Mexican;
"If two people love each other, but they just can't seem to get it together, when do you get to that point of enough is enough?"
"Never."
so, the crazy is out of me for another little while, i think. the next few posts will be far more interesting and less like the diary of an angst-ridden teenager (one hopes ;-). i guess i was feeling a bit like a caged animal for a while; trapped by all the things i can't do and all the things i must do, trapped with people and trapped inside my flat. but, just like the run-away dog, i only needed a taste of 'freedom' to realise that i wanted to come home again. true freedom is in your head anyway, in how you choose to face situations and deal with them. i think, generally, i have faced my situation with bravery and a positive attitude, but the crazy has to be released some times. unfortunately for you, my dear reader, the crazy also gets released onto this blog. i don't often seem to write when things are going well. perhaps i should try and do that more ...
so, the crazy is out of me for another little while, i think. the next few posts will be far more interesting and less like the diary of an angst-ridden teenager (one hopes ;-). i guess i was feeling a bit like a caged animal for a while; trapped by all the things i can't do and all the things i must do, trapped with people and trapped inside my flat. but, just like the run-away dog, i only needed a taste of 'freedom' to realise that i wanted to come home again. true freedom is in your head anyway, in how you choose to face situations and deal with them. i think, generally, i have faced my situation with bravery and a positive attitude, but the crazy has to be released some times. unfortunately for you, my dear reader, the crazy also gets released onto this blog. i don't often seem to write when things are going well. perhaps i should try and do that more ...
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