Ramblings

Unknown - Sue Harker

i am still raw, angry and unable to sleep at this ungodly hour of the morning so, i thought i might as well write down a few random thoughts. i think that part of what has been keeping me going through all of this is the delusion that i have clung to, the delusion that i will seamlessly return back to my old life, my old friends, my old habits, my old ways, the old me. but this is not true, it is impossible. i have already changed too much, i am not the same person i used to be, for better or worse. i feel incredibly anti-social and i have a terrible 'don't care' attitude towards people and sometimes my friends too, which i think i demonstrated in my earlier post (Bitterness) :-/. i think this stems from my isolation, i don't feel like i am a part of the human race anymore. i am just this thing to be pitied and payed attention to now and then. i have become so self-involved that i don't see other people, i don't feel them, i am not like them, therefore 'i don't care'.

i know this is not a good thing and yet somehow i can't help it. it's almost as though i feel i have some sort of superiority because of what i have suffered and am suffering. i feel alone, and abandoned by the human race and therefore i don't need human beings. this all sounds so ridiculous and melodramatic, probably because i am writing it at 3am. but i do feel i am losing my grip on reality, i am losing my understanding of the real world, my understanding of people and friends.

these are dangerous thoughts that come from spending far too much time in one's own head, but unfortunately that is the only place i have to go right now. i suppose i am just confused, at a loss; i try everything to keep myself positive, busy, balanced. i am constantly aware of the signs of depression and do my utmost to fight them off and yet i still end up having these 'crazy fits' where all i want to do is bash my brains in against the bathroom wall. it all seems so self-indulgent when i write it down, i am not terminal, i know i will get better, but logic doesn't come into play with emotions, especially my emotions.

i guess my real uncertainty is "who will i be at the end of this all?" and "will i have any friends left?". those are scary questions.