Anniversary

10 months ago today my life changed forever. i finally discovered what was wrong with me after being sick for over 2 months; i had an avm on my brain stem, near to my right midbrain.

this, incidentally, is also close to an area called the 'black nucleus' or substantia nigra. the 'black nucleus' is what is affected when someone has parkinson's disease. so, a lot of my symptoms are more related to parkinson's symptoms than epilepsy. this makes sense as one of my first symptoms was hand tremors and sometimes, scarily, whole body and voice tremors. i also have sudden muscle stiffness, which is also a characteristic of parkinson's. but my long convulsions, which include; full body shaking, muscle twisting and stiffening, eye rolling, inability to speak etc. are helped along by the build up of blood pressure in certain areas of my brain. it is altogether a very strange, complex, 'never-before-seen' condition.

to have an avm where mine is, to have the myriad, often unexplainable (eg: the constant popping in my ears) symptoms that i do is all very special and fascinating to neurologists and neurosurgeons and it is pretty interesting to me too. i have learnt so much about my brain, my body, drugs and myself that i sometimes feel almost blessed to be going through this experience.
now, that might sound crazy and obviously i have cursed my situation (on this very blog) more than i have appreciated it. BUT:

(a) i have QUIT SMOKING (10 months!) and drinking and by doing so lessened their importance in my life; my ego is not so bound up in such shallow, materialistic things such as 'how many parties i go to' or 'how many friends i have' or 'how much drugs i can take'.

(b) i have found a strength in myself i never knew i had - physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

(c) i have experienced things that not many people have experienced. i know what it feels like to have no control over your own body and i know the terror that comes with facing that alone, i know what it feels like to have a cerebral angiography, an MRI, gamma knife surgery.

(d) i have been given the time, the opportunity, to create works of art such as this blog and to explore and enjoy the creativity that lies within me.

(e) and finally, i have found what true love, true friendship, true dedication is through my relationships with friends, family and colin.

all in all, things are not so bad. i get depressed, angry, bitter, negative very easily, but right now i feel positive. i will recover eventually (very NB!) and i will have had an experience unlike anyone else. AND if you're gonna be sick, you might as well have a weird, interesting illness, right? ;-).