Travelling

11 January - 13 January 2008

Sunset

the drive to pearly beach takes about 2 hours. i sat in the passenger seat while my mom drove and the dog stretched out on the luxury of the backseat. grrrr.... the drive was beautiful and brought back many childhood memories, but i struggled. i dont react well to the motion of a car, especially if i am sitting upright. i get terrible nausea, earache, headaches and neck spasms so the 2 hour drive was really hard on me and when i did finally get out of the car at pearly beach my legs just collapsed under me. i felt terrible, but we had arrived just in time to witness a beautiful sunset and my grandparents, two uncles and one aunt had started a lovely braai (bbq). i popped another xanax (i had already taken one for the long drive) and stubbornly took photos of the sunset and sat outside chatting and enjoying the braai and my family's company. i refused to let my brain mess up my weekend away.

our family house is called linga longa and it really does make you want to linger longer, never want to leave. the house was built by my grandparents and has enough beds for 8 people, which makes for a perfect, party holiday house. there is a view of the ocean and the beach is a short walk away. walking through the front door floods my mind with carefree childhood memories and dissolves any stress and worry that's attached itself in the real world. linga longa inhabits its own dimension in time and space, and that dimension is pure calm. i needed this calm, this healing very badly, but unfortunately i didnt get it.

i was horribly sick from the drive the entire weekend. i did have a lovely friday night braai with the family and then made it to the beach the next day for a picnic thanks to xanax. but after the trip to the beach i just went downhill. my grandfather wanted to take everyone out for dinner that night, saturday, january 12. i had a sleep after the beach, popped another xanax and went along in the car. i managed to eat my starter before i started having neck spasms and my mom had to drive me back to linga longa crying. "i just want to be normal! i dont want to be sick anymore! its not fair! im tired! i cant do this anymore! i want to go home!".

i was shattered. i didnt feel calm or relaxed, in fact i was depressed because i couldnt enjoy the calm dimension of the house. and all my childhood memories just served to remind me of how immobile, how weak, how ungainly i am. i couldnt walk down to the beach, i couldnt play in the sea, i couldnt go for long walks along the beach by myself. it was horrible. all i could do was lie in bed and convulse, crying like a baby. and what made it worse is that my sickness upset my family, ruined their evening, so lets add a little bit of guilt in there for good measure.

we had a brunch on the sunday, january 13 and that was nice. i was feeling a bit better after 12 hours sleep and loads of xanax, but i was also very glad that it was a cloudy day. my mom and i could leave early. it was organised that i could lie down on the back seat for the return journey and i slept most of the way.

Coming back to Cape Town

so, the weekend was bittersweet. in one way i was happy to see my family and be surrounded by such beautiful countryside, but the travelling was too much for me. the trip just brought me back to reality, reminded me of how sick i still am. i had been running around drinking and acting like there was nothing wrong with me and then i went too far and 'the little bugger' (my AVM) started kicking around in my brain, "dont get too excited sue! you're still sick! you still have a long way to go!" NO - FUCK OFF! but 'the little bugger' doesnt listen to me he controls me. he controls my life. he stops me from being me. i am NOT free! and the only way for me to protect myself from complete depression is to convince myself that i dont want to do all these things like dancing, drinking (i have stopped drinking again) and partying or to remove myself from a situation where i have to watch others doing something i enjoy like hiking.

the more i taste of real life, the more my bonds chafe. how i hate it.