Bang!

Monster

i had a fairly good weekend. on friday, february 15 i went to have a picnic and watch an open-air production of shakespeare's "merchant of venice". this was done in a beautiful park called maynardville. i struggled a bit to watch the whole play; eyes blurring, head and neck aching. but i still enjoyed it. i always love maynardville. then on sunday, february 17, i went to an open air concert at kirstenbosch. i danced and drank wine to the rudimentals and had a great time (and now i just realised that i deleted the awesome photos from that! FUCK! FUCK!). for a while i forgot that i was sick. i was so happy drinking and dancing with colin, especially dancing. just like a normal person! just like a normal couple! god, how i want us to be a normal couple again!

i have also still been doing work for my uncle and making some money, plus i got a job proofreading two books. unfortunately the publishers think i am a 'professsional' - HA! i am a bit tense about this as i dont really know what i'm doing, but i'll have to wait and see what happens.

BUT i have also had some of the worst convulsions ever lately, after feeling so good for 2 weeks after i went back on the clonazepam. saturday, 16 february when colin was moving in i started having convulsions (great timing!), fast ones. crying, grunting in pain. "i'm sorry mommy! make it stop! i cant do this anymore! it hurts! i'm scared! why is everything so ugly? so bad? why is my sister being so mean? it hurts! it hurts!" tuesday, february 19; i was shaking like a rag doll, i felt my muscles would tear, my head would implode and my stomach was spasming so hard i was vomiting for about an hour. i havent been feeling good recently. my head is sore, my ears feel blocked and painful. i have muscle spasms and feel dizzy and weak. i cant sleep. i cant fucking sleep!

AND THEN colin and i had a fight this evening and i had another crazy fit. i think i am going mad. all i wanted to do was bash my brains in ... i jumped into the swimming pool fully clothed, howling; i wanted to dash my brains out against the side of the pool, but lacked the courage. then my mom took me out of the pool and i ran into the side of the wooden 'wendy house'. i felt manic, unstoppable ... all i wanted was to hit my head till i was dead. why cant this fucking thing just explode or disappear?! i felt i couldnt take anything anymore. i couldnt keep it in. i couldnt do it anymore. i was so hopeless, so angry, so frustrated, so crazed that i didnt want to live. i just wanted it all to end. i am so sick of having to be careful about everything i do. i am so sick of having to take medicine. i am so sick of not being able to sleep. i am so sick of being reliant on others. i am so sick of feeling guilty. i am so sick of trying to keep myself going. i am so sick of trying to use 'coping mechanisms' of 'staying positive'. fuck that! i cant do it anymore. i am so sick of feeling guilty about my behaviour. knowing how it must upset my mother, especially with my sister being so psycho at the moment too. i fear for my sanity. my head hurts where it hit the 'wendy house'. i dont want to take the drugs anymore. i dont know what is happening to me but it is terribly depressing to get sick again after i had been doing so well. i cant see the end. i am torturing everyone around me including myself. i wish i could stop it. i am very hurt and angry about my sister's actions. the feelings churn in me every day. my guilt, my burden, my pain, my anger, my frustration, my hate, my depression churn inside me every day ... just below the surface - barely under control. i sit in the house, trapped ... trapped ... trapped. i am going mad. i wish i wasnt. i wish i could deal with this 'properly'. i wish i wasnt so crazy. i have nothing left, no more energy, no more spirit to go through anymore of this. i dont know how im going to do it. i know i scared colin this evening and i feel so bad. i wish i could make everything right. i wish i could just be better or die ... i dont wanna be SICK anymore. i cant take it. i hate what it is doing to me, the person i am becoming, and i hate what i am putting my loved ones through. i wish i wasnt a crazy bitch. what is wrong with me? what is happening to me? i have no control. i dont even know what i am feeling anymore, all i know is that it is ugly and makes me tired. makes my head go round and round till it spins off. i just want a good fucking night's sleep! i just want to be better! why me? i cant do this! i cant! and it is killing my relationship with colin. it is hurting my mom. i hate being so dependent. i try to organise to go see friends, be social. it's a 'coping mechanism', something 'positive' in my life and even that is difficult. everyone is busy. i get sick. i dont have a car. i have had another breakdown. i am raving. but right now i think i should go back to bed where colin is quietly, patiently waiting for me. i nearly drove him away too with my madness, my neurosis.

i wish i could stop what is going on inside my head.