Another month has passed and what a month it has been. i nose-dived from superwoman to shattered ball of goo, from strong and positive to depressed and lonely in a few short days. and all it took was some harsh words and the disappearance of my boyfriend of 3 years. a man that i had rejected for many excellent reasons ... a man that i then forgave, started on a new path with ... a path towards happiness, togetherness and the future only to have that forgiveness and my open heart thrown back in my face a few months later. we have been through so much, we know each other so well, we love each other. WHY?! it takes a BIG man to break up with his sick girlfriend.
my alarm woke me up this morning. confused, i lay in bed ... re-remembering how the landscape of my emotional life has changed. forced myself to get up so i could take my meds. i checked my mail and had some tea. cried in the garden, cried in the shower and cried while i did the washing up. now i am crying as i write this. i have no real work right now. and i dont know if i want it. i am completely unmotivated to make any changes in my life. i rattle around the empty house all day and most nights too, since my mother is often out. i am well and truly alone ... BROKEN. how could this happen to superwoman? how could this happen so quickly? i hate him for what he has done to me. i feel tricked, cheated.
this is not the first time ... i know i will get better. i know i will be better. better than he will ever be! but as he continues with his life ... planning to go overseas or whatever. i am trapped in my mother's house, doing nothing, feeling nothing but loss, emptiness, hopelessness. desperately i try to fill the endless days ... with what? i don't know. i don't want to do anything ...
but i do do things. i went to that party on friday, april 4 and i had a great time. it was actually fantastic to reconnect with people that i haven't seen in years and they were all so lovely. i had a phone conversation with colin that upset me the next day, saturday, april 5, but i was lucky enough to have a friend arrive to visit and after letting me cry and moan for a while she did wonders to cheer me up. so, all is not lost ... but today, like all my other days, is for crying and loneliness. one day it will stop.
colin said he is coming to fetch all his stuff tomorrow. it is about time it left my house.
but this post is not just about my self-pity, it is also to mark the passing of more time - man do i have a LOT of that! it is 1 year and 3 months since i stopped smoking, was diagnosed with an AVM on my brain stem and it has been 1 whole year since i started this blog. will it ever be a book?
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