Closure

the weather was beautiful today so i sat outside and beaded and listened to music most of the day. i washed my hair this morning to make myself look presentable for a friend who was coming over for drinks later. my hair looks stunning and i trimmed the front pieces a bit to frame my face better. i am feeling good about myself. i am tanned, slim and sexy!

at about 4pm i got an sms from my friend saying she cant make it. another night alone at home after i just spent a whole day alone desperately trying to keep myself entertained and positive! i cracked ... crying, i decided to call colin. i was desperate for some kind of communication between us. things felt unfinished. i hated 'ignoring' each other.

the conversation was actually good for me. colin told me what had been happening in his life for the last month. i didnt say much as i didnt feel like talking, i was too busy crying! i told him that i still loved him and that i missed him and he said he felt the same. sadly for us, this is not enough. our relationship was not good. colin said this and i know it to be true - i have said it on this blog plenty of times! i knew it when i broke up with him the first time! - but that doesnt make it any easier.

love is definitely not "all you need" - the beatles had NO idea what they were talking about! so, i am still sad - and so is colin (which i needed to know). i miss joking with him, i miss teasing him, i miss talking in gibberish-lovey-dovey to him, i miss watching movies or a season of south park for the umpteenth time with him, i miss arguing about who gets tickles, i miss listening to his latest music track and showing him my latest project, i miss talking and sharing everything with him, i miss eating with him, i miss drinking with him, i miss partying with him, i miss holding him, i miss the wonderful sex and just having his skin touch mine, i miss hearing his voice, i miss seeing his face, i miss living with him, i miss knowing him but at least now i have closure ... i feel much better (and I MUST REMEMBER THIS FEELING).

I Love You!

i am glad that i phoned him and he was happy to hear my voice. we care about each other, but it is time to go our separate ways. FUCKING HEARTBREAKING, but unfortunately true. im not even going to speculate about the future! now is for ME and i rock! (so much, you have no idea! ;-)