Addict

i have been going through absolute HELL the last two/three days as i think i have already explained. i had three different invites from different groups of friends to go out and be social last night and i had to turn down all of them because i was/am a basket case. but after taking the xanax i felt up to going to my grandparent's and uncle's house with my mom for dinner last night. some company and some red wine would surely make me feel better and help me sleep .... well, i had a great time and got home feeling good, but as soon as i got into bed i was wide awake, thoughts flashing through my mind, stressing me out. i think i got maximum 3 hours sleep last night. i woke up at 4:30 am, tried desperately to calm my mind but ended up freaking out and crying to myself, wishing i could wake my mom up for some comfort and company but i didn't. and the decision i have reached now - after no more sleep - is that i can't do this. i can't deal with these withdrawal symptoms. the mere thought of having to endure one more morning like yesterday morning makes me want to slit my wrists. i'm sure i sound melodramatic, but if you could feel the emotional and mental screaming that is going on inside my head, the feeling that i am about to fall into a black abyss of torment and madness, hopefully you would understand. no one should have to experience this, especially when it is an addiction perpetrated by a doctor! if i had had ANY idea that i was going to have to spend 8 months + (january - august) and take an anti-depressant to get myself off the clonazepam and then still be suffering intense depression and anxiety/fear i would have thrown it back in the doctor's face.

piracetam, baclofen, phenytoin - i had no trouble coming off any of those meds and to think that one substance, 4 mg a day for 1 year + would have me down on my knees feeling as helpless and scared as a baby. ridiculous! unbelievable, but it's true! i don't know what it is in my mental and emotional make up that makes me particularly weak against clonazepam, but it is something that i have to accept. so, i have reached a decision about how to continue.

i am going to take more of the cipramil (anti-depressant), increasing to 40 mg a day - the highest effective dose - and this alone upsets me. i have never been on an anti-depressant and hate the idea of the bloody things and now i have to double up on my current dose?! who am i? what is happening to me?

i am also going to go back onto 1 mg clonazepam a day. i feel ashamed just writing that down, but i can't 'tough it out'. the cipramil will give me problems sleeping for at least a week or two and i already have insomnia. i would end up going mad or taking a xanax every night to try and sleep (i already wanted to take another one this morning to make me feel better) and the xanax is an even more addictive benzodiazepine than the clonazepam! i'd rather go back onto the clonazepam and throw away my xanax. once i feel i have stabilised a bit then i will slowly wean myself off the last 1 mg of clonazepam. i feel like a coward deciding this, but i know that i can't continue to feel as horrible as i do for any longer. i am already exhausted from trying to calm myself down, trying to comfort myself. maybe it is the stress of all the shit that has happened to me over the last 2 years but i just can't take anymore suffering. i have no reserves of power left. it is not fair to ask me to do this too! i have been through enough without adding a mental breakdown to the list! i was feeling so desperate in the early hours of this morning that i actually considered the option of putting myself in a clinic! WTF?!

already my social life will be put on hold. i don't even know if i will go on this course at the end of the month now cos i don't think i am mentally strong enough to face all my demons. i really dont want to add the loss of my new boyfriend to that list too! there is no way that i could ask him to deal with me being as hysterical as i have been. it would be completely unfair to him. i have already dragged one boyfriend through my medical dramas. the new boyfriend sent me an sms last night and i could barely think of a happy way to respond. i don't want to be socially excluded by my medical condition again! that more than anything will just serve to deepen my depression and hysteria.

anyway, this is how i have reasoned things to myself. god, i hope this works.