Forward

normally i dont like these soppy, forwarded email stories ... but in my current state of mind, it touched me and surprise surprise! made me ... cry. so, i am publishing it here for you to read. maybe it will touch your heart. it certainly gave me some strength. (ok ... i deleted the long-winded story and just kept the important points ;-)

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away," Think about this. You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.

1. At least 2 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
4. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
5. You mean the world to someone.
6. If not for you, someone may not be living.
7. You are special and unique.
8. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you trust God to do what's best, and wait on His time, sooner or later, you will get it or something better. (sorry 'bout the god reference ;-)
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good can still come from it.
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.
11. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
12. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
13. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know and you'll both be happy.
14. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.

Send this letter to all the people you care about, if you do so, you will certainly brighten someone's day and might change their perspective on life...for the better. "Thanks for your time."

Rollercoaster

i have broken my resolution already. in fact, i broke it a few times. i spoke to colin. i could hardly avoid it since he stayed in my house until friday, 28 march. he also brought me chocolate and kept coming and trying to speak to me. this was horribly upsetting as the last thing i needed was to see the person that i loved, the person i trusted, the person i thought i had a future with after he had dumped me. i had puffy red eyelids and was crying all the time and i knew that i had to get away from colin.

i organised to spend the night with a friend who was house sitting a house just down the road from me. i didnt know when colin was moving out and i needed to get away. i was walking up the road on friday, 28 march praying that i wasnt going to see colin. but there he was, walking down from the train station. dammit! i thought i would be able to miss him! i said hi and told him i was going to stay with a friend. he said he had bought me a pie and got upset when i didnt want to eat it with him. so, being the sucker i am. i went down the road, back to my house and sat and ate a pie across from the man who had just shattered my heart. i started crying, he wanted to make me tea and i knew i had to leave. this is not healthy! this is not right! i cant see you!

"i'm trying to be nice" he says. you just broke my heart, said horrible things to me and now you want to be nice to me?! what universe do you live in?! i ended up spending the whole weekend with my friend, which did me the world of good. colin went out with a friend and stayed at this friend's house for the weekend. then i got an sms to say that he would be staying with this friend until he could find his own flat and that he would be coming to collect some of his things.

i went home on sunday, 30 march, but i was going out again with my dad to watch a concert. a concert that we had bought a ticket for colin too! i was feeling tired and not quite so weepy as i had been. colin came to fetch his stuff, drop off the keys and give me the R1000 that he owed me. he tried to talk to me. saying things like, "you know this had to happen. this is better." blah blah blah! all things that he had probably been telling himself for ages. he is practical and i am too emotional and romantic. i wasnt interested in talking to him. it's already been done ...

he left and i enjoyed the concert with my dad and also managed to see my visiting friend one last time before she left, which made me very happy. i woke up on monday morning, 31 march and i didnt start crying! i was already starting to feel stronger. i am a wonderful person and i deserve to be treated with love and respect ALL the time, not just some of the time. i made sure to get in contact with friends and make plans to see people so i wouldn't just be hanging around the house by myself crying all the time. actually, it is kinda nice being on my own. not having someone constantly remarking on what i am doing, constantly criticising. i need to be on my own for a while. single is good! i also got a little job doing some proofreading. it doesn't pay a lot of money, but it isn't stressful and i can do it in my own time.

colin sent me an sms on tuesday, 1 march saying how sorry he was and that he was sad and hoped that i was ok. i didnt respond ... i had made a resolution, remember! NO contact! i was better off without him!

then all of a sudden its not ok! my mom went to class last night and i was alone. i had been alone all day and then i was alone at night. i started crying. i missed him. i was lonely. i love him, for fuck's sake! i was woken up early this morning and couldnt get back to sleep. i ended up in tears ... thinking about everything that had happened ... all we had gone through. from when we first got together and had fun to when i was sick and scared in hospital and he was my only support. i sent him an email at 5am. i wish i hadnt! i broke my resolution! NO contact!

today i am crying like i was last week. this is going to take a long time, but i am staying firm. i cried a lot while i was going out with colin. 3 years of crying. this is going to be the last time i cry for him. we can never go back. I can never go back. but man, it hurts like HELL! i was convinced that we were going to be together for a long time. i was happy. i was convinced that he loved me. that he was committed to me. i wanted our relationship to work so badly! all of that has just crumbled from under my feet. i'm so disappointed in how easily he gave up on us that i dont believe his heart was truly in it from the start.

i know i am strong. i know i will be ok, EVENTUALLY. but right now ... i'm dissolving in tears. i have to go to a party tomorrow night. i will be seeing some people that i havent seen in years. i dont know if i am looking forward to it. yes, i had brain surgery, am still sick and living with my mother, cant drive, dont have a proper job ... oh, and my boyfriend just dumped me. what a WINNER i am.

Resolution

so, colin sent me an sms a few hours after he had left for work."please can i stay at your house?" i let him. why?! because i am stupid and i love him. then i spent a wonderful day at the beach with friends who all decided that the whole thing was ridiculous and he couldn't possibly mean it. i went home with some hope. got horribly sick ... by myself in the house for 2 hours while my mom was out and colin was at a jazz concert. but i was ok ... i have to get used to being on my own again i reasoned, what better time to start.

colin came back and told me how awful our relationship was and how miserable he was. he broke up with me again. i was/am destroyed. i had opened my heart to him and he trampled all over it. i guess what makes it so awful is that it came as a complete surprise to me. i thought things were going really well ... we have a fight (admittedly not the first) and BAM! he cant stand to live with me anymore.

i should never have gotten back together with him. I gave HIM a second chance! and then he turns around and throws it in my face. i am a mess now, two days ago i was doing great. i am at the sad, crying stage ... hope i reach the self-righteous, strong stage soon.

the worst thing is that he is still in my house trying to "comfort" me - bleugh! but i am putting a stop to that ... from now on i dont want to talk to him or have any contact. that was my new year's resolution. HA! well, it is coming into effect as of now!

HA HA HA!

Broken

colin and i broke up last night. yes, again! this time for good. we had another fight that ended really badly. then i cried for a couple of hours while we talked and he told me how miserable he was and how much i irritated him ... among other things. so much for my positive attitude. so much for my 'good feelings' about the future. so much for feeling 'strong'. HA! what a joke!

i am crying again this morning. my heart is fucking sore. i thought everything was going well, i was happy and i thought he was too! apparently i was mistaken. this is so much worse than if we had just ended it the first time i broke up with him. he made me believe that he loved me and that he would do anything to make things work between us. we spoke about plans for the future and i believed them. HA! what a fool!

i guess it is quite fitting that i chose april 1 to come off my clonazepam - happy april fool's day sue! you fucking idiot. and now? i dont know when i will see him again. i am a mess, but i will get better. just as i felt the last time ... right now i am depressed, crying, hysterical, fucked up! but sometime in the future ... i wont be. i am going out with friends today - THANK GOD! - and i am going to try and have a good time. i am going to try not to talk about it too much, but i might cry - it is 'my thing' after all.

and then ...? i will wait for my heart to heal and the sadness and disappointment to fade. i will wait and i will be strong again. i will be happy and positive again. but not just yet ...

man, aint life a bitch?!

Visitor

Braai Fire

since last i wrote i have been continuing with my daily routine. i eat my salad, go for walks, lie in the sun, swim in the pool and try and do something that keeps me entertained and makes me happy like; reading, writing or photography. i havent done any painting since i got home, but i am starting to feel 'the urge to paint' return. i have also been lucky to get some more work from my uncle, but that seems to have stopped now. my daily routine was, happily, disrupted by the arrival of an old friend who i havent seen in about 3 years.

she arrived on tuesday, 18 march and got dropped off at my house in the early afternoon. i was a bit nervous as i was the only entertainment she was going to have for at least 3 days. was i up to the task? i have become so used to my little routine that it was a bit 'weird' to suddenly have someone else with me all day. but it has been fantastic to see her and i think that it is good for me to be shaken outta my routine once in a while. i have to admit that i did find it quite tiring, sitting and talking with someone all day. but i soon got used to it.

i also managed to deal with some mild convulsions on wednesday, march 19 without xanax! YAY! i am trying to stick to my resolution ... a change in attitude ... i can think myself better! (or at least help myself along the way ;-). i havent managed to stick to the 'no-drinking' resolution, but i have been pretty responsible when i have drunk. i mean ... come on! an old friend comes to visit! how can i not drink?! i even managed to take her on a train trip to kalk bay on thursday, 20 march, which was very cool.

then it was the long easter weekend, friday 21 - monday 24 march. this was great as i got to spend some time with colin alone in the house as my mom went away and my friend went to stay with another friend of hers (i also slept A LOT). we had a braai (bbq) on saturday, 22 march, which was lots of fun although i was disappointed at the amount of people who cancelled at the last minute (this goes back to my last bitch session about how frustrated i have become with some unreliable people who just dont seem to want to make the effort - i constantly find myself trying to be social and organise to see people, but it doesnt often get reciprocated. when it does, it is invites to parties that people should know i cant go to (a) because i am sick and (b) because i dont have a car! OK, OK ... end of bitch session now ;-). but in the end it was better to have a smaller group of people and i managed to drink a whole bottle of rose wine by myself! ;-).

things were looking good. unfortunately i had some horrible convulsions in the early morning, on sunday, 23 march and had to take a xanax. i felt like i was giving up, but i suppose the drug still has its uses ... especially since i had to take it before going out with colin's dad and his step-mom that evening. i was sick again while out with them! how embarrassing!

and now? my friend is staying with another friend for a while, everyone is back at work and i have spent my first day in the house alone for a while. it feels a bit 'weird' now. but i'm sure i will be seeing my visiting friend and the friend she is staying with (who is on holiday) during this week. but i also need to focus on keeping my life 'on track'. i have to find some more work. the publishing company who wanted me to proofread two books for them hasnt contacted me in ages - wondering if they ever will - and the work from my uncle has dried up. i am also still busy mentally and physically preparing myself to start coming off the clonazepam. i don't really want to do it while my friend is visiting, but i'm starting to think that maybe i should just DO IT! the less fuss i make about it, the less it will bother me, psychologically - MAYBE?!

i had set the date for tuesday, april 1, but i feel strong NOW. maybe i should just start lowering the dosage without a big song and dance ... maybe that is the way to do it. i have such a burning desire to just fucking get better! i am planning to take 0.5 mg less every 2 weeks - WAY slower than the first time i tried. theoretically it should then take me 4 months. but no ... i think i will wait, especially since my period (sorry boys! ;-) is coming up and that always causes some hormone imbalances and loony behaviour.

OK, decided! 1 april it is ... dum dum dum!