fingers crossed and all my prayers to every god that these withdrawals will not last long! my mom (who is a nurse) says one week. my shrink says one month. literature on the internet says months - years. oh PLEASE let it be one week! i thought i could think myself outta this one, that i just needed to exercise some self-control but this is chemical, way beyond my power to deal with.
how i HATE the stupid bloody clonazepam! ARGH!
Friday, 15 August 2008
Inside
so here i am. a beautiful, talented, interesting, intelligent, fun, caring women. i am the strongest physically that i've been in over two years. i haven't had any convulsions for months and months. i was finally getting a taste for being normal and it was amazing. i have wonderful friends and a lovely new boyfriend. i can drive around and go for walks in the forest. i can dance all night and have sex. and what am i doing now?
i am sitting in my house, shaking and terrified. unable to do anything. i can't go and buy bread, i can't go out and see my friends tonight, i can't even wash my hair. all i can do is sit and stare at the floor crying uncontrollably. i feel so horrible that it depresses me. two weeks ago i was flying high and now i have terrible insomnia and when i do sleep i have vivid nightmares, which give me night sweats. nothing is real. my own house is a menacing, terrifying place, but the outside world is even more treacherous. other people - god save me from dealing with other people! better to stay inside, but then i am all alone and inside my own head which is the worst place of all. everything is stressful, everything is worrying, everything is scary. i can barely type my hands are shaking so much from horror. i catch a glimpse of my face in the mirror, distorted into a rictus of terror, red and wet, tears streaming. nothing feels real, nothing feels safe, nothing feels normal. am i going crazy? (oh god please, i dont want to go crazy)
technically i'm not going crazy, but i'm as close to it as i ever wanna come. it is clonazepam withdrawals. they have hit me incredibly hard the last few days with no sign of letting up. i have been trying not to medicate myself with xanax as that is the same class of drug as clonazepam, but is actually more addictive. but eventually i have to or risk really going crazy. one body, one mind cannot handle this strain. especially not all alone. yesterday i went to see my shrink. up until a few days ago i had been supremely confident that i was off the clonazepam and was doing well. i spent the whole of yesterday morning trying to stop myself from freaking out, from trembling uncontrollably, from wailing and screaming, but eventually i had to give in and take a xanax. no way was i going to walk into the shrink's office with wide terror-filled eyes and a tear stained face, he woulda jumped at all sorts of ridiculous diagnoses.
i managed to make the walk to his office but not without jumping at every loud sound along the way. talking to him, i told him that i had recently been struggling with withdrawals (in retrospect the signs were there for a long time before this, but then i thought it was just me being a 'worrier' - no wonder i had a fight with him (new boyfriend) on saturday!) he suggested that i take more of the anti-depressant that i am on - which i will then also have to wean myself off of! ARGH! - and he prescribed a different drug to take if things were really bad, something to replace the xanax with. i felt better, maybe things aren't so bad ...
i didn't sleep very well last night, but at least i didn't wake up with any jolts of terror. this morning things, thoughts, worries about the past and the future were running around inside my head until my body was trembling and i was crying and hyperventilating. refusing to take a xanax, wanting to just get through this on my own i tried to do stuff this morning. ah ha! i thought, i finally have myself under control. i am not feeling good, but at least i'm not crying and panicking hysterically. but it started again. the feeling of unreality, terror, which then leads to depression. i was on the floor bawling and realised that if i didn't relent and take another xanax i might truly lose my mind - i honestly felt like i was going to have a complete melt down.
needless to say, i feel better now, after the xanax. i went for a walk and am feeling calmer. i still cant face going out tonight, or anytime this weekend probably, but at least i can function without getting so tense that i wanna throw up. and tomorrow i will be taking more of that anti-depressant because i am not superwoman and i cant do this by myself. i shouldn't have to suffer anymore. fuck, i hope it works. if it doesn't i don't know what i'll do.
but now, it looks like i will have to tell him (new boyf) something. he knows i had brain surgery etc, but i didn't bother to tell him in detail about my meds cos i really thought that i was on top of the clonazepam (fucking benzodiazepines! fucking doctor who gave me the bloody drug! it has given me a host of mental and emotional issues that i never had before! i hate it!). now i have to tell him that i am losing my mind right now and don't know when i will be better. i feel so bad for coming into his life and dropping all this shit onto his lap and knowing him he will be wonderfully understanding and wanna come and look after me. that just makes it worse. we have been together for 2 months - i refuse to involve him in all my medical and psychological dramas. so, what will i say? i dunno, the truth. i can handle spending time with him i'm sure. but i'm not up to going out with big groups of people and partying. unfortunately that is what he enjoys. he is not in town at the moment so i will wait until he comes back. or until he calls me, whichever comes first.
goddamn! so much for being normal and happy. HA! how could i think it was gonna last? moron!
i am sitting in my house, shaking and terrified. unable to do anything. i can't go and buy bread, i can't go out and see my friends tonight, i can't even wash my hair. all i can do is sit and stare at the floor crying uncontrollably. i feel so horrible that it depresses me. two weeks ago i was flying high and now i have terrible insomnia and when i do sleep i have vivid nightmares, which give me night sweats. nothing is real. my own house is a menacing, terrifying place, but the outside world is even more treacherous. other people - god save me from dealing with other people! better to stay inside, but then i am all alone and inside my own head which is the worst place of all. everything is stressful, everything is worrying, everything is scary. i can barely type my hands are shaking so much from horror. i catch a glimpse of my face in the mirror, distorted into a rictus of terror, red and wet, tears streaming. nothing feels real, nothing feels safe, nothing feels normal. am i going crazy? (oh god please, i dont want to go crazy)
technically i'm not going crazy, but i'm as close to it as i ever wanna come. it is clonazepam withdrawals. they have hit me incredibly hard the last few days with no sign of letting up. i have been trying not to medicate myself with xanax as that is the same class of drug as clonazepam, but is actually more addictive. but eventually i have to or risk really going crazy. one body, one mind cannot handle this strain. especially not all alone. yesterday i went to see my shrink. up until a few days ago i had been supremely confident that i was off the clonazepam and was doing well. i spent the whole of yesterday morning trying to stop myself from freaking out, from trembling uncontrollably, from wailing and screaming, but eventually i had to give in and take a xanax. no way was i going to walk into the shrink's office with wide terror-filled eyes and a tear stained face, he woulda jumped at all sorts of ridiculous diagnoses.
i managed to make the walk to his office but not without jumping at every loud sound along the way. talking to him, i told him that i had recently been struggling with withdrawals (in retrospect the signs were there for a long time before this, but then i thought it was just me being a 'worrier' - no wonder i had a fight with him (new boyfriend) on saturday!) he suggested that i take more of the anti-depressant that i am on - which i will then also have to wean myself off of! ARGH! - and he prescribed a different drug to take if things were really bad, something to replace the xanax with. i felt better, maybe things aren't so bad ...
i didn't sleep very well last night, but at least i didn't wake up with any jolts of terror. this morning things, thoughts, worries about the past and the future were running around inside my head until my body was trembling and i was crying and hyperventilating. refusing to take a xanax, wanting to just get through this on my own i tried to do stuff this morning. ah ha! i thought, i finally have myself under control. i am not feeling good, but at least i'm not crying and panicking hysterically. but it started again. the feeling of unreality, terror, which then leads to depression. i was on the floor bawling and realised that if i didn't relent and take another xanax i might truly lose my mind - i honestly felt like i was going to have a complete melt down.
needless to say, i feel better now, after the xanax. i went for a walk and am feeling calmer. i still cant face going out tonight, or anytime this weekend probably, but at least i can function without getting so tense that i wanna throw up. and tomorrow i will be taking more of that anti-depressant because i am not superwoman and i cant do this by myself. i shouldn't have to suffer anymore. fuck, i hope it works. if it doesn't i don't know what i'll do.
but now, it looks like i will have to tell him (new boyf) something. he knows i had brain surgery etc, but i didn't bother to tell him in detail about my meds cos i really thought that i was on top of the clonazepam (fucking benzodiazepines! fucking doctor who gave me the bloody drug! it has given me a host of mental and emotional issues that i never had before! i hate it!). now i have to tell him that i am losing my mind right now and don't know when i will be better. i feel so bad for coming into his life and dropping all this shit onto his lap and knowing him he will be wonderfully understanding and wanna come and look after me. that just makes it worse. we have been together for 2 months - i refuse to involve him in all my medical and psychological dramas. so, what will i say? i dunno, the truth. i can handle spending time with him i'm sure. but i'm not up to going out with big groups of people and partying. unfortunately that is what he enjoys. he is not in town at the moment so i will wait until he comes back. or until he calls me, whichever comes first.
goddamn! so much for being normal and happy. HA! how could i think it was gonna last? moron!
Thursday, 14 August 2008
Reality
wow ... dunno why i am feeling so miserable when really things are going well. physically i am getting better, i am off my meds, i have lovely friends and a lovely new boyfriend. it has to be the clonazepam withdrawal. i have just fallen into a slump. i will get out of it. i have gotten outta worse before.
Wednesday, 13 August 2008
Doubt
New Beginning?
self-doubt, doubt of others, doubt about the future, fear of the future, nerves, shaking, worrying, panic. i have been driving myself crazy with all this and more since last i wrote. some of these feelings plus the physical shaking and trembling is thanks to clonazepam withdrawals. i am finally completely off the horrid drug, but am still experiencing panic attacks, nervousness, trouble sleeping ... but it has definitely been easier coming off the clonazepam with the help of the cipramil (and some xanax ;-). i'm actually going to see my psychiatrist tomorrow. i need to start coming off the cipramil in the next few months. i wonder what he will try and diagnose me with this time?
i admit that i may suffer from some form of mild depression, but i would prefer to try and tackle it myself rather than rely on drugs - so it's goodbye cipramil! in the spirit of trying to sort myself out i am trying to mentally prepare myself for the self-growth course i will be attending at the end of this month, which includes cutting down on the drinking and partying! hopefully my nerves will have calmed down by then.
last week i was suffering from weird panic attacks during my sleep where i would have a nightmare and then wake up terrified and sweating. i had to call for my mom and take a xanax. i am naturally a bit of a worrier and sitting alone at home all the time doesnt help - although i have also imposed this on myself a bit as i have recently been feeling antisocial and lazy. also a bit nervous (clonazepam again!) about seeing people. this has been made a bit more difficult because my new boyfriend is a very friendly, fun-loving, social person and has been inviting me to meet all his friends and party (when all i really wanna do is cuddle up to him and stay at home) with them often. sometimes i say no, but i cant say no all the time. i have just become a bit too neurotic lately i think. a bit stressed.
what do i have to stress about?! i don't have stressful job, i am staying with my mom and am pretty well-protected from the real world right now. i think maybe i have become so used to being sick that the prospect of being 'normal' again - of having expectations and pressures put on me - scares me. but at the same time i also long for my freedom, my independence, my life and taiwan has begun to symbolise that for me. taiwan is my chance at breaking free again - i feel trapped and hopeless in south africa - but then, what if i feel like that in taiwan too? you cant run away from yourself.
i seem to never be content with what i have. first i just wanted to get better and now i want my life to be perfect. first i just wanted to kiss boys and party and now i have a boyfriend who i am falling for and i wanna be serious about life. i suppose it is all about trying to strike a balance between everything and that means doing NOT thinking. i have been doing way too much thinking, stressing, worrying, etc etc recently to the point where i ended up having my first drunken fight with my new boyfriend on saturday, 9 august. what was the fight about? what else can one really worry about except - THE FUTURE! dum dum dum! i was demanding a serious commitment, something that i know he cant give right now. it was all sorted out in the end, but not before there had been drama ... i bring this drama into my life. i know that. now i must figure out how to control it, how to control my neuroses.
when i was still sick there was a twisted simplicity to my life (although things with colin were incredibly unstable). nothing was expected of me, but to get better. things are starting to complicate again. this new boy is a BIG complication, but i can't avoid it because i think i am falling for him (although i can also nitpick lots of reasons why i shouldn't be with him. sigh) and i'm not sure how strongly he feels about me. i know he is an incredibly emotional, sensitive person, and he protects himself by being calm and trying to stay aloof. i protect myself by causing fights and drama ... testing the person's love maybe ... demanding more attention maybe. i don't know. but i guess at least i am thinking about it. although sometimes i wonder whether you can get yourself into more trouble by thinking and pondering too hard - that is why so many people drink so much. or take drugs. to deaden these lonely, corrosive thoughts.
one would think that by now i, of all people, would have learnt that you cant control the future and so it is silly to worry about it. i think i did learn this and many other lessons, but as i return to 'normal' i am forgetting to apply them practically to my life. i am becoming lazy again. no painting, no photography, less writing, no beading, no dancing, no creativity. more TV and more reading. not that reading is bad, but there must be other things done during the day. activity vs passivity. well, i am writing for the first time in ages (a good sign?) - although this is more just diary writing than anything like storytelling, but it seems to help more when i get my feelings and thoughts onto this blog - things seems clearer somehow. as if all my imagined readers are helping me sort my head out. thanks guys! ;-)
self-doubt, doubt of others, doubt about the future, fear of the future, nerves, shaking, worrying, panic. i have been driving myself crazy with all this and more since last i wrote. some of these feelings plus the physical shaking and trembling is thanks to clonazepam withdrawals. i am finally completely off the horrid drug, but am still experiencing panic attacks, nervousness, trouble sleeping ... but it has definitely been easier coming off the clonazepam with the help of the cipramil (and some xanax ;-). i'm actually going to see my psychiatrist tomorrow. i need to start coming off the cipramil in the next few months. i wonder what he will try and diagnose me with this time?
i admit that i may suffer from some form of mild depression, but i would prefer to try and tackle it myself rather than rely on drugs - so it's goodbye cipramil! in the spirit of trying to sort myself out i am trying to mentally prepare myself for the self-growth course i will be attending at the end of this month, which includes cutting down on the drinking and partying! hopefully my nerves will have calmed down by then.
last week i was suffering from weird panic attacks during my sleep where i would have a nightmare and then wake up terrified and sweating. i had to call for my mom and take a xanax. i am naturally a bit of a worrier and sitting alone at home all the time doesnt help - although i have also imposed this on myself a bit as i have recently been feeling antisocial and lazy. also a bit nervous (clonazepam again!) about seeing people. this has been made a bit more difficult because my new boyfriend is a very friendly, fun-loving, social person and has been inviting me to meet all his friends and party (when all i really wanna do is cuddle up to him and stay at home) with them often. sometimes i say no, but i cant say no all the time. i have just become a bit too neurotic lately i think. a bit stressed.
what do i have to stress about?! i don't have stressful job, i am staying with my mom and am pretty well-protected from the real world right now. i think maybe i have become so used to being sick that the prospect of being 'normal' again - of having expectations and pressures put on me - scares me. but at the same time i also long for my freedom, my independence, my life and taiwan has begun to symbolise that for me. taiwan is my chance at breaking free again - i feel trapped and hopeless in south africa - but then, what if i feel like that in taiwan too? you cant run away from yourself.
i seem to never be content with what i have. first i just wanted to get better and now i want my life to be perfect. first i just wanted to kiss boys and party and now i have a boyfriend who i am falling for and i wanna be serious about life. i suppose it is all about trying to strike a balance between everything and that means doing NOT thinking. i have been doing way too much thinking, stressing, worrying, etc etc recently to the point where i ended up having my first drunken fight with my new boyfriend on saturday, 9 august. what was the fight about? what else can one really worry about except - THE FUTURE! dum dum dum! i was demanding a serious commitment, something that i know he cant give right now. it was all sorted out in the end, but not before there had been drama ... i bring this drama into my life. i know that. now i must figure out how to control it, how to control my neuroses.
when i was still sick there was a twisted simplicity to my life (although things with colin were incredibly unstable). nothing was expected of me, but to get better. things are starting to complicate again. this new boy is a BIG complication, but i can't avoid it because i think i am falling for him (although i can also nitpick lots of reasons why i shouldn't be with him. sigh) and i'm not sure how strongly he feels about me. i know he is an incredibly emotional, sensitive person, and he protects himself by being calm and trying to stay aloof. i protect myself by causing fights and drama ... testing the person's love maybe ... demanding more attention maybe. i don't know. but i guess at least i am thinking about it. although sometimes i wonder whether you can get yourself into more trouble by thinking and pondering too hard - that is why so many people drink so much. or take drugs. to deaden these lonely, corrosive thoughts.
one would think that by now i, of all people, would have learnt that you cant control the future and so it is silly to worry about it. i think i did learn this and many other lessons, but as i return to 'normal' i am forgetting to apply them practically to my life. i am becoming lazy again. no painting, no photography, less writing, no beading, no dancing, no creativity. more TV and more reading. not that reading is bad, but there must be other things done during the day. activity vs passivity. well, i am writing for the first time in ages (a good sign?) - although this is more just diary writing than anything like storytelling, but it seems to help more when i get my feelings and thoughts onto this blog - things seems clearer somehow. as if all my imagined readers are helping me sort my head out. thanks guys! ;-)
Wednesday, 16 July 2008
Dreaming
i am now down to taking 1 mg of clonazepam a day! AND it hasn't been too hard at all ... i had a bit of a speed wobble the last time i wrote, but since then i have been doing well without too many horrible withdrawal symptoms. i have been feeling a bit odd or edgy sometimes and my ears have been popping like crazy. i've had a few increased spasms but nothing hectic. the cipramil is fantastic! thank you to the psychiatrist! i have a few more weeks and i will be off the dreaded stuff for good. HOORAY! HOORAY! HOORAY! then i just have to worry about getting off the cipramil - what if i get depressed?
in fact, i haven't just been dealing with the withdrawals well, my body seems to be getting stronger! i am still seeing him - more about that later - and i have been having sex and partying with no problem ... although i have decided that i need to take things a bit easy on the drinking. i like feeling healthy and drinking achieves the opposite. plus i have been doing some ridiculous things that i am not proud of. at the moment i have bruised ribs, a cold and a cornucopia of other wounds such as a cut on my eyelid and burnt hair (from a candle - DONT ASK!) as well as a slightly guilty conscience. i have been having fun though ;-).
i also have a friend staying with me at the moment and i haven't spent nearly enough time with her. so i am chilling this week and having dinner with my friend and just trying to be gentler with my poor little body and my poor little brain. and this is also perhaps a security strategy for my heart.
yes, him. he's getting under my skin. he is 5 years younger than me and just lovely. i think i have sung his praises already. he is gentle, sensitive, self-aware, positive etc etc. everything that a woman could want. i can see myself falling for him, but i am trying to slow down because i know myself in love. i give everything to that person - maybe even in a self-destructive kinda way - and i am not ready for it yet. i have just regained my independence and i dont want to lose it. so the great thing about what we have now is that we are both very independent. we see each other maybe twice a week and we have fun. but i can feel that things are moving towards a deeper connection. it has been about 1 month and i know we are both feeling very attached to each other. feelings are growing and tingling inside me and it is exciting and terrifying at the same time. he is young - only 23 (not 24). he needs to find himself. hell. I need to find MYSELF!
i am going to be as chilled as i can about the whole thing but i wont lie. if things keep going the way they are ... i would LOVE for him to come to taiwan with me next year. we could live together and travel together and it would be great. but that is just a little, quiet dream for now. something im trying to ignore because i have a long way to go before i am healthy enough to make that kind of commitment and to go to taiwan. for now, waiting and seeing is as much fun ... ;-)
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