Dreaming

i am now down to taking 1 mg of clonazepam a day! AND it hasn't been too hard at all ... i had a bit of a speed wobble the last time i wrote, but since then i have been doing well without too many horrible withdrawal symptoms. i have been feeling a bit odd or edgy sometimes and my ears have been popping like crazy. i've had a few increased spasms but nothing hectic. the cipramil is fantastic! thank you to the psychiatrist! i have a few more weeks and i will be off the dreaded stuff for good. HOORAY! HOORAY! HOORAY! then i just have to worry about getting off the cipramil - what if i get depressed?

in fact, i haven't just been dealing with the withdrawals well, my body seems to be getting stronger! i am still seeing him - more about that later - and i have been having sex and partying with no problem ... although i have decided that i need to take things a bit easy on the drinking. i like feeling healthy and drinking achieves the opposite. plus i have been doing some ridiculous things that i am not proud of. at the moment i have bruised ribs, a cold and a cornucopia of other wounds such as a cut on my eyelid and burnt hair (from a candle - DONT ASK!) as well as a slightly guilty conscience. i have been having fun though ;-).

i also have a friend staying with me at the moment and i haven't spent nearly enough time with her. so i am chilling this week and having dinner with my friend and just trying to be gentler with my poor little body and my poor little brain. and this is also perhaps a security strategy for my heart.

yes, him. he's getting under my skin. he is 5 years younger than me and just lovely. i think i have sung his praises already. he is gentle, sensitive, self-aware, positive etc etc. everything that a woman could want. i can see myself falling for him, but i am trying to slow down because i know myself in love. i give everything to that person - maybe even in a self-destructive kinda way - and i am not ready for it yet. i have just regained my independence and i dont want to lose it. so the great thing about what we have now is that we are both very independent. we see each other maybe twice a week and we have fun. but i can feel that things are moving towards a deeper connection. it has been about 1 month and i know we are both feeling very attached to each other. feelings are growing and tingling inside me and it is exciting and terrifying at the same time. he is young - only 23 (not 24). he needs to find himself. hell. I need to find MYSELF!

i am going to be as chilled as i can about the whole thing but i wont lie. if things keep going the way they are ... i would LOVE for him to come to taiwan with me next year. we could live together and travel together and it would be great. but that is just a little, quiet dream for now. something im trying to ignore because i have a long way to go before i am healthy enough to make that kind of commitment and to go to taiwan. for now, waiting and seeing is as much fun ... ;-)