Drinking

9 March 2008

Kirstenbosch Crowds

as i think i have mentioned before, i used to be a heavy drinker before i got sick. then i wasn't allowed to drink alcohol for a year and realised what a pointless habit it is. why would you want to spend your money on something that makes you think you're cool when you're actually acting like an ass? something that then makes you feel sick the next day? maybe even sick with shame?! i came to realise that i could have just as much fun without alcohol and that i was just as fun and interesting a person - probably more so! actually - when i wasn't drunk.

then i came home and i was allowed to drink again. i was excited at first and enjoyed drinking with friends and family, BUT i always only drank a little bit. maybe a glass or two of wine. i didnt like the way i started to feel if i drank too much, dizzy and out of control - dangerous. this weekend i reminded myself of why i need to control my drinking. i reminded myself of who i used to be, a person i don't particularly wanna be again (in some respects, anyway).

on sunday, 9 march colin and i went to the kirstenbosch botanical gardens to watch goldfish, an awesome south african band. we got there early and were saving places for some other friends. we had three bottles of wine to tide us over. we had a great time and i was pretty drunk by the end of the concert. the drunkest i have been since i got sick. and it was great! it was like i wasn't sick. i was my old self again. crazy, party, party, dancing sue ... not a care in the world! colin and i got home and decided to go for mojitos at a restaurant near my house. it was a stupid decision - drunk people are well known for making stupid decisions.

Happy
we were very happy when we got there and had two mojitos each in quick succession. neither of us remembers what we talked about but we got into an argument and all i remember is storming out of the restaurant (how embarrassing!). then i was at home and crying and crying, feeling suicidal. colin was in bed already, but i couldn't control myself. i went BERSERK and nearly downed a whole bottle of xanax. i woke my mom up looking for consolation and eventually woke colin up at 4am. he didnt remember what the fight had been about either. so he calmed me down and i eventually fell asleep.

i hope this never happens again! i shouldn't have drunk so much alcohol. DUH! it obviously reacted badly with the meds that i am still taking. the scariest thing for me is the 'black outs'. i cant remember what happened! i dont want to turn into that psycho, outta control person again. i want more out of my life and i know colin does too. we both felt terrible the next day and promised each other not to drink like that again - which doesn't mean it's not gonna happen of course! but at least we are both aware.

so, i got taught a valuable lesson this weekend ... one which i thought i had already learnt. and now? i am hesitant to drink again ... but i will. but i dont ever want to end up like that again. THAT was just stupid! and the worst part of the whole experience is that i then had to go and see the psychiatrist the next day with a hangover ...

Anniversary

13 Months Ago Today

and yes, here is my other anniversary rearing it's ugly head. this is the anniversary of my actual gamma knife radio surgery. it has been one year + 1 month since i had the surgery (11 months to go). my health has definitely improved, but not as drastically as i would like. it is very difficult for people to understand my illness as i have times when i am perfectly fine and strong and other times when i am very sick. i seem to get two good weeks and then two bad weeks a month, if i can quantify it like that.

when i look at that picture of the girl in pink pyjamas, oxygen tubes coming out of her nose, stereotactic head frame screwed to her head i feel like crying for her because she had to go through all that and i wonder how on earth she ever did it. then i have to remember that it's me and i realise how far i have really come. how healthy i am, how good i look compared to that girl in the hospital pyjamas. compared to that time; when i couldn't even walk to the bathroom, where i was having 3 hour convulsions twice a day, where i couldn't stand up in the shower and had to lie in bed with a blanket over my head most of the time to try and control my nausea. looking at that photo, remembering those times i realise how unSICK i am right now. sure, i'm nowhere near 100% and i am way past kidding myself that i will be fully recovered earlier than february 2009. but that is OK!

i am comfortable where i am right now. enjoying being at home. having some friends around. having colin around. having family around. getting good medical care, which is all just around the corner from my house! and i am desperately lapping up the african sun before winter hits ;-).

Anniversary

Yes, it is that time once again ladies and gentlemen ... time to mark yet another month in my historic journey to complete health and full recovery. it is now one year + two months sans ciggies for me, but i still get violent urges to snatch lit cigarettes out of people's hands. luckily i dont get drunk enough yet to actually do it. i know one friend who started smoking again after a year and a half. i must never let down my guard!

it is also one year + two months since they found 'the little bugger' on my brain stem. and i have been blogging, sporadically i admit, for 11 months. almost a year of blogging! and i have to admit that i am feeling a bit guilty. i know that i havent been blogging as often as i used to and i do feel that my posts are not up to the standard of my first few months of posting. i think i lost a bit of interest and inspiration for a while. i dont want this blog to turn into an 'agony aunt', just a vehicle for my moaning - although i do need it for that too. but i want to write more introspective and interesting posts.

i plan to write something about cape town suburbia vs taipei city life and i also want to write a post on the impact that spending all day in one's pyjamas has on one's choice of wardrobe when leaving the house. so, i have some stuff up my sleeve ... but i think i will pull said 'stuff' outta my pyjama sleeve in winter. mainly because then i will actually have pyjama sleeves - right now it is so hot i am wearing a vest ;-). and yes, that is also my excuse for not blogging as diligently as before. it is summer in cape town and i have been busy tanning, swimming, seeing friends, family and working so that i havent really had much time to blog.

this bout of blogging guilt has partly been caused by the fact that someone i know has been nominated for an 'SA blog of the year award'. i coulda been in there! guilt can be a good thing when it kicks you off your ass and forces you to be pro-active. i MUST start on my book too! (jeez! i sound like a school kid talking about homework! ;-)

BUT it is a beautiful day in Africa and i want to spend it with colin right now ... NOT with my computer.

Attitude

so i guess its about time for me to write another update after my last rant. obviously i have a lot of negative repressed feelings that seem to burst out of me once in a while, normally when i have a set-back and get physically sick again. im starting to think that what i need is a punching bag rather than a shrink. something that i can take all my sadness, frustration, anger and bitterness out on. but first i need to acknowledge what i am bitter and angry about.

obviously my incapacitation thanks to my illness (no sex, no dancing, no normality) and the terror and pain of my convulsions is a huge factor, but there is so much else. my guilt at being a burden, on my mom and colin especially. my jealousy of other people (even my friends) who can work and play normally. the fight with my sister; her bizarre behaviour has deeply upset me. i feel betrayed and angry. but i am trying to let go of those feelings towards her. i have sent her an email invite to a braai (BBQ) that colin and i are planning. i have to learn to let go of all this hatred, this anger that i have inside me and i am starting with my sister. even if i dont get a reply, at least i will know that i extended the olive branch. i attempted to rekindle some kind of relationship.

i have also started going for daily walks around my neighbourhood. not only is this good exercise for me, but it helps my cabin fever and is a great form of meditation. just wish i could go running. so, as always after some bad times, i am trying to implement some changes, trying to realign my brain, my attitude, my thinking. i am going to be sick for a long time still. it is not a straight road, but i am strong enough to deal with the set-backs and i will eventually get better. what is important to me is that i enjoy the now, this now where i am fine. then i can 'store up' the good times, like dinner with friends and having fun with colin to get me through the bad times. i keep getting ahead of myself, but i must remember that things will get difficult again. i will get sick again. i just have to be prepared for it.

now i am ok but, i was pretty sick last week still and had really awful spasms on saturday, 1 march where i was vomiting really violently. this was very upsetting for me as colin and i were supposed to be having dinner with his dad and step-mom. i gulped down a xanax and got dressed ... making sure i brushed my teeth. i was determined to go. i wasnt going to let this bloody little AVM dictate my life! i did go, but had to be taken home early because i became sick. at least i tried.

my convulsions have changed slightly ... there is a shift in my brain and i can feel the pressure and the crawling, i can feel the nausea building, the disorientation recurring. my body is not my own ... this i am used to, but when i experience new symptoms ... this is scary. what if things are going wrong?! what if i am going to die?! OR what if my brain is healing? - let's focus on that one. as my blood finds new pathways to navigate, as my brain learns to function in a different way to how it has always functioned it is inevitable that i will experience both positive and negative physical reactions. my brain is still learning, it is still healing. i have to be 'patient'. fuck, i hate that word. as if being 'patient' for one year wasnt enough! but it wasnt, and no amount of complaining from me is gonna change that.

so, i'm trying to toughen myself up ...no more crying and pity parties, only positive actions. attempts at positive thoughts (lets see if i can do it). i am still trying to be as social as possible and have been seeing friends and really trying extra hard to stay in contact with people. i am waiting to start doing some proofreading work for a publishing company and until then i am going to continue to walk, suntan, swim, read, watch, laugh, talk, love, live.

and then ... i am going to come off this bloody clonazepam. BUT i know that i have to be in a very strong mental place before i attempt that again so i am going to see a psychiatrist on monday, 10 march to try and come up with a way of weaning me off it sloooowly.

i'll let you know how the appointment goes ... ;-)

PS. colin and i will hopefully have a car within the next month or two. fingers crossed!

Bang!

Monster

i had a fairly good weekend. on friday, february 15 i went to have a picnic and watch an open-air production of shakespeare's "merchant of venice". this was done in a beautiful park called maynardville. i struggled a bit to watch the whole play; eyes blurring, head and neck aching. but i still enjoyed it. i always love maynardville. then on sunday, february 17, i went to an open air concert at kirstenbosch. i danced and drank wine to the rudimentals and had a great time (and now i just realised that i deleted the awesome photos from that! FUCK! FUCK!). for a while i forgot that i was sick. i was so happy drinking and dancing with colin, especially dancing. just like a normal person! just like a normal couple! god, how i want us to be a normal couple again!

i have also still been doing work for my uncle and making some money, plus i got a job proofreading two books. unfortunately the publishers think i am a 'professsional' - HA! i am a bit tense about this as i dont really know what i'm doing, but i'll have to wait and see what happens.

BUT i have also had some of the worst convulsions ever lately, after feeling so good for 2 weeks after i went back on the clonazepam. saturday, 16 february when colin was moving in i started having convulsions (great timing!), fast ones. crying, grunting in pain. "i'm sorry mommy! make it stop! i cant do this anymore! it hurts! i'm scared! why is everything so ugly? so bad? why is my sister being so mean? it hurts! it hurts!" tuesday, february 19; i was shaking like a rag doll, i felt my muscles would tear, my head would implode and my stomach was spasming so hard i was vomiting for about an hour. i havent been feeling good recently. my head is sore, my ears feel blocked and painful. i have muscle spasms and feel dizzy and weak. i cant sleep. i cant fucking sleep!

AND THEN colin and i had a fight this evening and i had another crazy fit. i think i am going mad. all i wanted to do was bash my brains in ... i jumped into the swimming pool fully clothed, howling; i wanted to dash my brains out against the side of the pool, but lacked the courage. then my mom took me out of the pool and i ran into the side of the wooden 'wendy house'. i felt manic, unstoppable ... all i wanted was to hit my head till i was dead. why cant this fucking thing just explode or disappear?! i felt i couldnt take anything anymore. i couldnt keep it in. i couldnt do it anymore. i was so hopeless, so angry, so frustrated, so crazed that i didnt want to live. i just wanted it all to end. i am so sick of having to be careful about everything i do. i am so sick of having to take medicine. i am so sick of not being able to sleep. i am so sick of being reliant on others. i am so sick of feeling guilty. i am so sick of trying to keep myself going. i am so sick of trying to use 'coping mechanisms' of 'staying positive'. fuck that! i cant do it anymore. i am so sick of feeling guilty about my behaviour. knowing how it must upset my mother, especially with my sister being so psycho at the moment too. i fear for my sanity. my head hurts where it hit the 'wendy house'. i dont want to take the drugs anymore. i dont know what is happening to me but it is terribly depressing to get sick again after i had been doing so well. i cant see the end. i am torturing everyone around me including myself. i wish i could stop it. i am very hurt and angry about my sister's actions. the feelings churn in me every day. my guilt, my burden, my pain, my anger, my frustration, my hate, my depression churn inside me every day ... just below the surface - barely under control. i sit in the house, trapped ... trapped ... trapped. i am going mad. i wish i wasnt. i wish i could deal with this 'properly'. i wish i wasnt so crazy. i have nothing left, no more energy, no more spirit to go through anymore of this. i dont know how im going to do it. i know i scared colin this evening and i feel so bad. i wish i could make everything right. i wish i could just be better or die ... i dont wanna be SICK anymore. i cant take it. i hate what it is doing to me, the person i am becoming, and i hate what i am putting my loved ones through. i wish i wasnt a crazy bitch. what is wrong with me? what is happening to me? i have no control. i dont even know what i am feeling anymore, all i know is that it is ugly and makes me tired. makes my head go round and round till it spins off. i just want a good fucking night's sleep! i just want to be better! why me? i cant do this! i cant! and it is killing my relationship with colin. it is hurting my mom. i hate being so dependent. i try to organise to go see friends, be social. it's a 'coping mechanism', something 'positive' in my life and even that is difficult. everyone is busy. i get sick. i dont have a car. i have had another breakdown. i am raving. but right now i think i should go back to bed where colin is quietly, patiently waiting for me. i nearly drove him away too with my madness, my neurosis.

i wish i could stop what is going on inside my head.