i have been going through absolute HELL the last two/three days as i think i have already explained. i had three different invites from different groups of friends to go out and be social last night and i had to turn down all of them because i was/am a basket case. but after taking the xanax i felt up to going to my grandparent's and uncle's house with my mom for dinner last night. some company and some red wine would surely make me feel better and help me sleep .... well, i had a great time and got home feeling good, but as soon as i got into bed i was wide awake, thoughts flashing through my mind, stressing me out. i think i got maximum 3 hours sleep last night. i woke up at 4:30 am, tried desperately to calm my mind but ended up freaking out and crying to myself, wishing i could wake my mom up for some comfort and company but i didn't. and the decision i have reached now - after no more sleep - is that i can't do this. i can't deal with these withdrawal symptoms. the mere thought of having to endure one more morning like yesterday morning makes me want to slit my wrists. i'm sure i sound melodramatic, but if you could feel the emotional and mental screaming that is going on inside my head, the feeling that i am about to fall into a black abyss of torment and madness, hopefully you would understand. no one should have to experience this, especially when it is an addiction perpetrated by a doctor! if i had had ANY idea that i was going to have to spend 8 months + (january - august) and take an anti-depressant to get myself off the clonazepam and then still be suffering intense depression and anxiety/fear i would have thrown it back in the doctor's face.
piracetam, baclofen, phenytoin - i had no trouble coming off any of those meds and to think that one substance, 4 mg a day for 1 year + would have me down on my knees feeling as helpless and scared as a baby. ridiculous! unbelievable, but it's true! i don't know what it is in my mental and emotional make up that makes me particularly weak against clonazepam, but it is something that i have to accept. so, i have reached a decision about how to continue.
i am going to take more of the cipramil (anti-depressant), increasing to 40 mg a day - the highest effective dose - and this alone upsets me. i have never been on an anti-depressant and hate the idea of the bloody things and now i have to double up on my current dose?! who am i? what is happening to me?
i am also going to go back onto 1 mg clonazepam a day. i feel ashamed just writing that down, but i can't 'tough it out'. the cipramil will give me problems sleeping for at least a week or two and i already have insomnia. i would end up going mad or taking a xanax every night to try and sleep (i already wanted to take another one this morning to make me feel better) and the xanax is an even more addictive benzodiazepine than the clonazepam! i'd rather go back onto the clonazepam and throw away my xanax. once i feel i have stabilised a bit then i will slowly wean myself off the last 1 mg of clonazepam. i feel like a coward deciding this, but i know that i can't continue to feel as horrible as i do for any longer. i am already exhausted from trying to calm myself down, trying to comfort myself. maybe it is the stress of all the shit that has happened to me over the last 2 years but i just can't take anymore suffering. i have no reserves of power left. it is not fair to ask me to do this too! i have been through enough without adding a mental breakdown to the list! i was feeling so desperate in the early hours of this morning that i actually considered the option of putting myself in a clinic! WTF?!
already my social life will be put on hold. i don't even know if i will go on this course at the end of the month now cos i don't think i am mentally strong enough to face all my demons. i really dont want to add the loss of my new boyfriend to that list too! there is no way that i could ask him to deal with me being as hysterical as i have been. it would be completely unfair to him. i have already dragged one boyfriend through my medical dramas. the new boyfriend sent me an sms last night and i could barely think of a happy way to respond. i don't want to be socially excluded by my medical condition again! that more than anything will just serve to deepen my depression and hysteria.
anyway, this is how i have reasoned things to myself. god, i hope this works.
Saturday, 16 August 2008
Friday, 15 August 2008
Wishful
fingers crossed and all my prayers to every god that these withdrawals will not last long! my mom (who is a nurse) says one week. my shrink says one month. literature on the internet says months - years. oh PLEASE let it be one week! i thought i could think myself outta this one, that i just needed to exercise some self-control but this is chemical, way beyond my power to deal with.
how i HATE the stupid bloody clonazepam! ARGH!
how i HATE the stupid bloody clonazepam! ARGH!
Inside
so here i am. a beautiful, talented, interesting, intelligent, fun, caring women. i am the strongest physically that i've been in over two years. i haven't had any convulsions for months and months. i was finally getting a taste for being normal and it was amazing. i have wonderful friends and a lovely new boyfriend. i can drive around and go for walks in the forest. i can dance all night and have sex. and what am i doing now?
i am sitting in my house, shaking and terrified. unable to do anything. i can't go and buy bread, i can't go out and see my friends tonight, i can't even wash my hair. all i can do is sit and stare at the floor crying uncontrollably. i feel so horrible that it depresses me. two weeks ago i was flying high and now i have terrible insomnia and when i do sleep i have vivid nightmares, which give me night sweats. nothing is real. my own house is a menacing, terrifying place, but the outside world is even more treacherous. other people - god save me from dealing with other people! better to stay inside, but then i am all alone and inside my own head which is the worst place of all. everything is stressful, everything is worrying, everything is scary. i can barely type my hands are shaking so much from horror. i catch a glimpse of my face in the mirror, distorted into a rictus of terror, red and wet, tears streaming. nothing feels real, nothing feels safe, nothing feels normal. am i going crazy? (oh god please, i dont want to go crazy)
technically i'm not going crazy, but i'm as close to it as i ever wanna come. it is clonazepam withdrawals. they have hit me incredibly hard the last few days with no sign of letting up. i have been trying not to medicate myself with xanax as that is the same class of drug as clonazepam, but is actually more addictive. but eventually i have to or risk really going crazy. one body, one mind cannot handle this strain. especially not all alone. yesterday i went to see my shrink. up until a few days ago i had been supremely confident that i was off the clonazepam and was doing well. i spent the whole of yesterday morning trying to stop myself from freaking out, from trembling uncontrollably, from wailing and screaming, but eventually i had to give in and take a xanax. no way was i going to walk into the shrink's office with wide terror-filled eyes and a tear stained face, he woulda jumped at all sorts of ridiculous diagnoses.
i managed to make the walk to his office but not without jumping at every loud sound along the way. talking to him, i told him that i had recently been struggling with withdrawals (in retrospect the signs were there for a long time before this, but then i thought it was just me being a 'worrier' - no wonder i had a fight with him (new boyfriend) on saturday!) he suggested that i take more of the anti-depressant that i am on - which i will then also have to wean myself off of! ARGH! - and he prescribed a different drug to take if things were really bad, something to replace the xanax with. i felt better, maybe things aren't so bad ...
i didn't sleep very well last night, but at least i didn't wake up with any jolts of terror. this morning things, thoughts, worries about the past and the future were running around inside my head until my body was trembling and i was crying and hyperventilating. refusing to take a xanax, wanting to just get through this on my own i tried to do stuff this morning. ah ha! i thought, i finally have myself under control. i am not feeling good, but at least i'm not crying and panicking hysterically. but it started again. the feeling of unreality, terror, which then leads to depression. i was on the floor bawling and realised that if i didn't relent and take another xanax i might truly lose my mind - i honestly felt like i was going to have a complete melt down.
needless to say, i feel better now, after the xanax. i went for a walk and am feeling calmer. i still cant face going out tonight, or anytime this weekend probably, but at least i can function without getting so tense that i wanna throw up. and tomorrow i will be taking more of that anti-depressant because i am not superwoman and i cant do this by myself. i shouldn't have to suffer anymore. fuck, i hope it works. if it doesn't i don't know what i'll do.
but now, it looks like i will have to tell him (new boyf) something. he knows i had brain surgery etc, but i didn't bother to tell him in detail about my meds cos i really thought that i was on top of the clonazepam (fucking benzodiazepines! fucking doctor who gave me the bloody drug! it has given me a host of mental and emotional issues that i never had before! i hate it!). now i have to tell him that i am losing my mind right now and don't know when i will be better. i feel so bad for coming into his life and dropping all this shit onto his lap and knowing him he will be wonderfully understanding and wanna come and look after me. that just makes it worse. we have been together for 2 months - i refuse to involve him in all my medical and psychological dramas. so, what will i say? i dunno, the truth. i can handle spending time with him i'm sure. but i'm not up to going out with big groups of people and partying. unfortunately that is what he enjoys. he is not in town at the moment so i will wait until he comes back. or until he calls me, whichever comes first.
goddamn! so much for being normal and happy. HA! how could i think it was gonna last? moron!
i am sitting in my house, shaking and terrified. unable to do anything. i can't go and buy bread, i can't go out and see my friends tonight, i can't even wash my hair. all i can do is sit and stare at the floor crying uncontrollably. i feel so horrible that it depresses me. two weeks ago i was flying high and now i have terrible insomnia and when i do sleep i have vivid nightmares, which give me night sweats. nothing is real. my own house is a menacing, terrifying place, but the outside world is even more treacherous. other people - god save me from dealing with other people! better to stay inside, but then i am all alone and inside my own head which is the worst place of all. everything is stressful, everything is worrying, everything is scary. i can barely type my hands are shaking so much from horror. i catch a glimpse of my face in the mirror, distorted into a rictus of terror, red and wet, tears streaming. nothing feels real, nothing feels safe, nothing feels normal. am i going crazy? (oh god please, i dont want to go crazy)
technically i'm not going crazy, but i'm as close to it as i ever wanna come. it is clonazepam withdrawals. they have hit me incredibly hard the last few days with no sign of letting up. i have been trying not to medicate myself with xanax as that is the same class of drug as clonazepam, but is actually more addictive. but eventually i have to or risk really going crazy. one body, one mind cannot handle this strain. especially not all alone. yesterday i went to see my shrink. up until a few days ago i had been supremely confident that i was off the clonazepam and was doing well. i spent the whole of yesterday morning trying to stop myself from freaking out, from trembling uncontrollably, from wailing and screaming, but eventually i had to give in and take a xanax. no way was i going to walk into the shrink's office with wide terror-filled eyes and a tear stained face, he woulda jumped at all sorts of ridiculous diagnoses.
i managed to make the walk to his office but not without jumping at every loud sound along the way. talking to him, i told him that i had recently been struggling with withdrawals (in retrospect the signs were there for a long time before this, but then i thought it was just me being a 'worrier' - no wonder i had a fight with him (new boyfriend) on saturday!) he suggested that i take more of the anti-depressant that i am on - which i will then also have to wean myself off of! ARGH! - and he prescribed a different drug to take if things were really bad, something to replace the xanax with. i felt better, maybe things aren't so bad ...
i didn't sleep very well last night, but at least i didn't wake up with any jolts of terror. this morning things, thoughts, worries about the past and the future were running around inside my head until my body was trembling and i was crying and hyperventilating. refusing to take a xanax, wanting to just get through this on my own i tried to do stuff this morning. ah ha! i thought, i finally have myself under control. i am not feeling good, but at least i'm not crying and panicking hysterically. but it started again. the feeling of unreality, terror, which then leads to depression. i was on the floor bawling and realised that if i didn't relent and take another xanax i might truly lose my mind - i honestly felt like i was going to have a complete melt down.
needless to say, i feel better now, after the xanax. i went for a walk and am feeling calmer. i still cant face going out tonight, or anytime this weekend probably, but at least i can function without getting so tense that i wanna throw up. and tomorrow i will be taking more of that anti-depressant because i am not superwoman and i cant do this by myself. i shouldn't have to suffer anymore. fuck, i hope it works. if it doesn't i don't know what i'll do.
but now, it looks like i will have to tell him (new boyf) something. he knows i had brain surgery etc, but i didn't bother to tell him in detail about my meds cos i really thought that i was on top of the clonazepam (fucking benzodiazepines! fucking doctor who gave me the bloody drug! it has given me a host of mental and emotional issues that i never had before! i hate it!). now i have to tell him that i am losing my mind right now and don't know when i will be better. i feel so bad for coming into his life and dropping all this shit onto his lap and knowing him he will be wonderfully understanding and wanna come and look after me. that just makes it worse. we have been together for 2 months - i refuse to involve him in all my medical and psychological dramas. so, what will i say? i dunno, the truth. i can handle spending time with him i'm sure. but i'm not up to going out with big groups of people and partying. unfortunately that is what he enjoys. he is not in town at the moment so i will wait until he comes back. or until he calls me, whichever comes first.
goddamn! so much for being normal and happy. HA! how could i think it was gonna last? moron!
Thursday, 14 August 2008
Reality
wow ... dunno why i am feeling so miserable when really things are going well. physically i am getting better, i am off my meds, i have lovely friends and a lovely new boyfriend. it has to be the clonazepam withdrawal. i have just fallen into a slump. i will get out of it. i have gotten outta worse before.
Wednesday, 13 August 2008
Doubt
New Beginning?
self-doubt, doubt of others, doubt about the future, fear of the future, nerves, shaking, worrying, panic. i have been driving myself crazy with all this and more since last i wrote. some of these feelings plus the physical shaking and trembling is thanks to clonazepam withdrawals. i am finally completely off the horrid drug, but am still experiencing panic attacks, nervousness, trouble sleeping ... but it has definitely been easier coming off the clonazepam with the help of the cipramil (and some xanax ;-). i'm actually going to see my psychiatrist tomorrow. i need to start coming off the cipramil in the next few months. i wonder what he will try and diagnose me with this time?
i admit that i may suffer from some form of mild depression, but i would prefer to try and tackle it myself rather than rely on drugs - so it's goodbye cipramil! in the spirit of trying to sort myself out i am trying to mentally prepare myself for the self-growth course i will be attending at the end of this month, which includes cutting down on the drinking and partying! hopefully my nerves will have calmed down by then.
last week i was suffering from weird panic attacks during my sleep where i would have a nightmare and then wake up terrified and sweating. i had to call for my mom and take a xanax. i am naturally a bit of a worrier and sitting alone at home all the time doesnt help - although i have also imposed this on myself a bit as i have recently been feeling antisocial and lazy. also a bit nervous (clonazepam again!) about seeing people. this has been made a bit more difficult because my new boyfriend is a very friendly, fun-loving, social person and has been inviting me to meet all his friends and party (when all i really wanna do is cuddle up to him and stay at home) with them often. sometimes i say no, but i cant say no all the time. i have just become a bit too neurotic lately i think. a bit stressed.
what do i have to stress about?! i don't have stressful job, i am staying with my mom and am pretty well-protected from the real world right now. i think maybe i have become so used to being sick that the prospect of being 'normal' again - of having expectations and pressures put on me - scares me. but at the same time i also long for my freedom, my independence, my life and taiwan has begun to symbolise that for me. taiwan is my chance at breaking free again - i feel trapped and hopeless in south africa - but then, what if i feel like that in taiwan too? you cant run away from yourself.
i seem to never be content with what i have. first i just wanted to get better and now i want my life to be perfect. first i just wanted to kiss boys and party and now i have a boyfriend who i am falling for and i wanna be serious about life. i suppose it is all about trying to strike a balance between everything and that means doing NOT thinking. i have been doing way too much thinking, stressing, worrying, etc etc recently to the point where i ended up having my first drunken fight with my new boyfriend on saturday, 9 august. what was the fight about? what else can one really worry about except - THE FUTURE! dum dum dum! i was demanding a serious commitment, something that i know he cant give right now. it was all sorted out in the end, but not before there had been drama ... i bring this drama into my life. i know that. now i must figure out how to control it, how to control my neuroses.
when i was still sick there was a twisted simplicity to my life (although things with colin were incredibly unstable). nothing was expected of me, but to get better. things are starting to complicate again. this new boy is a BIG complication, but i can't avoid it because i think i am falling for him (although i can also nitpick lots of reasons why i shouldn't be with him. sigh) and i'm not sure how strongly he feels about me. i know he is an incredibly emotional, sensitive person, and he protects himself by being calm and trying to stay aloof. i protect myself by causing fights and drama ... testing the person's love maybe ... demanding more attention maybe. i don't know. but i guess at least i am thinking about it. although sometimes i wonder whether you can get yourself into more trouble by thinking and pondering too hard - that is why so many people drink so much. or take drugs. to deaden these lonely, corrosive thoughts.
one would think that by now i, of all people, would have learnt that you cant control the future and so it is silly to worry about it. i think i did learn this and many other lessons, but as i return to 'normal' i am forgetting to apply them practically to my life. i am becoming lazy again. no painting, no photography, less writing, no beading, no dancing, no creativity. more TV and more reading. not that reading is bad, but there must be other things done during the day. activity vs passivity. well, i am writing for the first time in ages (a good sign?) - although this is more just diary writing than anything like storytelling, but it seems to help more when i get my feelings and thoughts onto this blog - things seems clearer somehow. as if all my imagined readers are helping me sort my head out. thanks guys! ;-)
self-doubt, doubt of others, doubt about the future, fear of the future, nerves, shaking, worrying, panic. i have been driving myself crazy with all this and more since last i wrote. some of these feelings plus the physical shaking and trembling is thanks to clonazepam withdrawals. i am finally completely off the horrid drug, but am still experiencing panic attacks, nervousness, trouble sleeping ... but it has definitely been easier coming off the clonazepam with the help of the cipramil (and some xanax ;-). i'm actually going to see my psychiatrist tomorrow. i need to start coming off the cipramil in the next few months. i wonder what he will try and diagnose me with this time?
i admit that i may suffer from some form of mild depression, but i would prefer to try and tackle it myself rather than rely on drugs - so it's goodbye cipramil! in the spirit of trying to sort myself out i am trying to mentally prepare myself for the self-growth course i will be attending at the end of this month, which includes cutting down on the drinking and partying! hopefully my nerves will have calmed down by then.
last week i was suffering from weird panic attacks during my sleep where i would have a nightmare and then wake up terrified and sweating. i had to call for my mom and take a xanax. i am naturally a bit of a worrier and sitting alone at home all the time doesnt help - although i have also imposed this on myself a bit as i have recently been feeling antisocial and lazy. also a bit nervous (clonazepam again!) about seeing people. this has been made a bit more difficult because my new boyfriend is a very friendly, fun-loving, social person and has been inviting me to meet all his friends and party (when all i really wanna do is cuddle up to him and stay at home) with them often. sometimes i say no, but i cant say no all the time. i have just become a bit too neurotic lately i think. a bit stressed.
what do i have to stress about?! i don't have stressful job, i am staying with my mom and am pretty well-protected from the real world right now. i think maybe i have become so used to being sick that the prospect of being 'normal' again - of having expectations and pressures put on me - scares me. but at the same time i also long for my freedom, my independence, my life and taiwan has begun to symbolise that for me. taiwan is my chance at breaking free again - i feel trapped and hopeless in south africa - but then, what if i feel like that in taiwan too? you cant run away from yourself.
i seem to never be content with what i have. first i just wanted to get better and now i want my life to be perfect. first i just wanted to kiss boys and party and now i have a boyfriend who i am falling for and i wanna be serious about life. i suppose it is all about trying to strike a balance between everything and that means doing NOT thinking. i have been doing way too much thinking, stressing, worrying, etc etc recently to the point where i ended up having my first drunken fight with my new boyfriend on saturday, 9 august. what was the fight about? what else can one really worry about except - THE FUTURE! dum dum dum! i was demanding a serious commitment, something that i know he cant give right now. it was all sorted out in the end, but not before there had been drama ... i bring this drama into my life. i know that. now i must figure out how to control it, how to control my neuroses.
when i was still sick there was a twisted simplicity to my life (although things with colin were incredibly unstable). nothing was expected of me, but to get better. things are starting to complicate again. this new boy is a BIG complication, but i can't avoid it because i think i am falling for him (although i can also nitpick lots of reasons why i shouldn't be with him. sigh) and i'm not sure how strongly he feels about me. i know he is an incredibly emotional, sensitive person, and he protects himself by being calm and trying to stay aloof. i protect myself by causing fights and drama ... testing the person's love maybe ... demanding more attention maybe. i don't know. but i guess at least i am thinking about it. although sometimes i wonder whether you can get yourself into more trouble by thinking and pondering too hard - that is why so many people drink so much. or take drugs. to deaden these lonely, corrosive thoughts.
one would think that by now i, of all people, would have learnt that you cant control the future and so it is silly to worry about it. i think i did learn this and many other lessons, but as i return to 'normal' i am forgetting to apply them practically to my life. i am becoming lazy again. no painting, no photography, less writing, no beading, no dancing, no creativity. more TV and more reading. not that reading is bad, but there must be other things done during the day. activity vs passivity. well, i am writing for the first time in ages (a good sign?) - although this is more just diary writing than anything like storytelling, but it seems to help more when i get my feelings and thoughts onto this blog - things seems clearer somehow. as if all my imagined readers are helping me sort my head out. thanks guys! ;-)
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