Disclaimer

before i continue with my 'story of woe' i just wanted to make it clear that none of this is colin's fault. he has done the best he can and has been amazing every step along this arduous journey and he's done it all on his own! he has been my nurse, my psychologist, my family, my friend and so much more. i am incredibly lucky to have him and i have definitely not made it easy for him. these breakdowns and fights, depressions and recriminations are mostly the products of my diseased, housebound mind. i write about them in an attempt to get them onto the page and out of my head, not because i want to slander the one person who has really been there for me.

in fact, a lot of my recent depression has come from my feelings of guilt at having put him in this situation - in a foreign country with zero support network! my guilt, in turn, leads to insecurity. i am not his girlfriend anymore, i am his patient and i often just hate myself for all the awful things he has had to endure because of me and my fucked up brain. i love him very much, i owe him the world and i just want him to be happy. unfortunately he loves me, which means he is stuck in a terribly unhappy situation right now. but when i get better, if we make it through this trial intact, i promise to make sure he is happy every day.