My friend arrived on sunday evening, June 17. she was the first person i met when i arrived in taiwan in november 2004. we shared a hotel room for over a week and she became my first friend. it's really great to have a like-minded person by your side when you first encounter a foreign country, especially one as foreign as taiwan. then she moved to another city, we lost contact and we had both thought the other had left taiwan. then she found me on 'facebook' a few months ago, happy reunion. she had to come to taipei to write exams so, of course, she was going to stay at my flat for the five nights rather than spend a fortune on a hotel.
i would have a 'sitter' for sunday night so i encouraged colin to go and spend a night with friends of ours in another city. he could do this because monday and tuesday were public holidays in taiwan. tuesday, june 19 was dragon boat festival in taiwan and the government gave monday, june 18 off to give people a long weekend, but then everybody has to work on the next saturday (june 23). so, you get a long weekend and then a one-day weekend. people have very mixed feelings about this policy. Anyway, my friend arrived and colin left to have a holiday. my friend and i tried to catch up on the last two years and i went to bed feeling fine, knowing that colin was having fun with friends.
my friend had to write an exam on monday, june 18, in the afternoon. i was alone in the house and i started having spasms. they weren't as bad as the convulsion i had had on friday night, but i was still raw from that experience so, i freaked out. i called colin, who jumped into a taxi to rush back home, then i phoned and told him "no, don't come back. i'll be okay. i don't want to ruin your day!", but colin, being the loyal boyfriend he is insisted on returning home. i felt all the guilt and insecurity returning. i had gone and ruined colin's fun yet again! i hated myself, berated myself and fell back into a depressive slump. pathetic, i know. colin returned and i felt (physically) better.
but, colin still had some fun to look forward to. my friend and i had discovered that the man she had been dating for over a year was an old school friend of colin's! ridiculously amazing! we were all so happy and he came to stay on monday night. colin got drunk with a long-lost friend and they both had a ball, arrived home at 3am, with a chair and a pot plant that they had picked up off the road ;-), waking both me and my friend up. colin was happy, but i was still emotionally unstable. i started focusing on all the negative stuff, i couldn't drink and have fun with them, i felt left out, i was a bore and my life was depressing. i lay awake for two hours, early morning tuesday, june 19 with terrible period pains and all these destructive, negative thoughts running through my head, over and over. i cracked at 5am and started bawling. colin woke up and we fought and i got hysterical and suicidal, again! i was driving poor colin mad. i would get depressed about my situation and then i would be overwhelmed with guilt and insecurity at being such a 'pain in the ass' to be around. it was/is a vicious circle!
my friend and her boyfriend went sightseeing on tuesday, june 19 leaving colin and i to try and pick up the pieces of our broken relationship and my broken mind. i hated/hate myself for being so weak and hysterical. i am supposed to be superwoman, remember?! anyway, we went to a new pizza place for lunch and actually had a good time. had a nap and then, of course, at 6pm i was vomiting and spasming from all the pizza i had eaten. god, i really know how to ruin a party! so, colin and i went to bed; depressed, traumatised, weak and estranged.
then it was wednesday, june 20; colin had to work, my friend had an exam and Dina came to clean the house. i was still feeling crazy, filled with self-loathing, insecurity and god knows what else! colin was not doing well either, after the long weekend i had created for him. but i have managed to vomit out all the unpleasantness onto this blog and my mind feels a bit clearer. i'm hoping that with this post, the end of my period, the stopping of taking xanax that i will be able to climb out of 'the little hole called crazy' that i have made for myself. my friend is here until friday, june 22 and she has been fantastic; understanding, patient and fun about everything so far. i just hope colin will be okay too ...
i would have a 'sitter' for sunday night so i encouraged colin to go and spend a night with friends of ours in another city. he could do this because monday and tuesday were public holidays in taiwan. tuesday, june 19 was dragon boat festival in taiwan and the government gave monday, june 18 off to give people a long weekend, but then everybody has to work on the next saturday (june 23). so, you get a long weekend and then a one-day weekend. people have very mixed feelings about this policy. Anyway, my friend arrived and colin left to have a holiday. my friend and i tried to catch up on the last two years and i went to bed feeling fine, knowing that colin was having fun with friends.
my friend had to write an exam on monday, june 18, in the afternoon. i was alone in the house and i started having spasms. they weren't as bad as the convulsion i had had on friday night, but i was still raw from that experience so, i freaked out. i called colin, who jumped into a taxi to rush back home, then i phoned and told him "no, don't come back. i'll be okay. i don't want to ruin your day!", but colin, being the loyal boyfriend he is insisted on returning home. i felt all the guilt and insecurity returning. i had gone and ruined colin's fun yet again! i hated myself, berated myself and fell back into a depressive slump. pathetic, i know. colin returned and i felt (physically) better.
but, colin still had some fun to look forward to. my friend and i had discovered that the man she had been dating for over a year was an old school friend of colin's! ridiculously amazing! we were all so happy and he came to stay on monday night. colin got drunk with a long-lost friend and they both had a ball, arrived home at 3am, with a chair and a pot plant that they had picked up off the road ;-), waking both me and my friend up. colin was happy, but i was still emotionally unstable. i started focusing on all the negative stuff, i couldn't drink and have fun with them, i felt left out, i was a bore and my life was depressing. i lay awake for two hours, early morning tuesday, june 19 with terrible period pains and all these destructive, negative thoughts running through my head, over and over. i cracked at 5am and started bawling. colin woke up and we fought and i got hysterical and suicidal, again! i was driving poor colin mad. i would get depressed about my situation and then i would be overwhelmed with guilt and insecurity at being such a 'pain in the ass' to be around. it was/is a vicious circle!
my friend and her boyfriend went sightseeing on tuesday, june 19 leaving colin and i to try and pick up the pieces of our broken relationship and my broken mind. i hated/hate myself for being so weak and hysterical. i am supposed to be superwoman, remember?! anyway, we went to a new pizza place for lunch and actually had a good time. had a nap and then, of course, at 6pm i was vomiting and spasming from all the pizza i had eaten. god, i really know how to ruin a party! so, colin and i went to bed; depressed, traumatised, weak and estranged.
then it was wednesday, june 20; colin had to work, my friend had an exam and Dina came to clean the house. i was still feeling crazy, filled with self-loathing, insecurity and god knows what else! colin was not doing well either, after the long weekend i had created for him. but i have managed to vomit out all the unpleasantness onto this blog and my mind feels a bit clearer. i'm hoping that with this post, the end of my period, the stopping of taking xanax that i will be able to climb out of 'the little hole called crazy' that i have made for myself. my friend is here until friday, june 22 and she has been fantastic; understanding, patient and fun about everything so far. i just hope colin will be okay too ...
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