Future

Bittersweet

so, my future is suddenly looking very different from when i last wrote. physically i am still getting better and i have rediscovered some fantastic old friends who have been really wonderful to me and i have also found that a lot of people just ignore my sms's and dont seem to want anything to do with me. this is a very cape town thing to do, which i am not used to yet. people in cape town are generally very cliquey and image conscious. now if you are image conscious that means that you must be busy all the time so you have no time to make the effort of reconnecting with an old friend who doesnt have a car and doesnt go out partying. that sounds bitter because i do feel a bit hurt by the amount of people who have simply just never replied to any of my sms's. but like i said, some friends have been awesome and i am just loving my family.

i had a particularly good talk/cry with my sister about a week ago. like i have said before, we are very different people and i have felt uncomfortable being home as her and her boyfriend seem to ignore me. this really hurt me as i want to feel that my sister and i are friends and can chat about things and do things together. but it seemed to me that she wasn't interested in spending any time with me, only her boyfriend, and i had terrible visions of ending up in the future with a sister that i hadnt spoken to in 10 years! in my head i actually thought she resented me for crashing back into the house, being sick, loud and generally disrupting her pleasant routine. it all came to a head one night last week when we had some silly disagreement. i was crying on my bed and decided that i wasn't going to be pathetic about this anymore, it was time to confront my sister about how i felt (my family is not very good at showing their true feelings). i called her from the kitchen with tears in my eyes. explained to her that i felt unwelcome, lonely and that i wanted us to spend some time together, to feel like we supported each other. she also ended up in tears and we had a good heart-to-heart about what has been happening in both our lives and how we feel about certain situations. of course, i was just paranoid and she assured me that she wanted to spend time with me and develop our relationship, but she is introverted and finds it difficult to speak to me sometimes as i am quite the opposite. so, that was a huge weight off my chest and my sister has been there for me in the last few days which have been so terrible.

why have the last few days been so terrible? well, things with colin started to go rotten again. we started bickering and fighting again on friday, december 14 and it didnt stop. the final straw was when mutual friends of ours arrived in cape town. he was very excited to see them and told me on tuesday, december 18, very proudly, "I am going to the beach with them tommorrow.". i am oversensitive at the moment and felt left out. going to the beach was something that i could do and i had actually discussed with him how much i wanted to go to this particular beach, Hout Bay as i had lived there as a child. "so, i'm not invited." i said. i was accused of being negative and the fight just escalated until it was decided that we shouldnt be in contact for a while. he wants to party with his friends and a sick girlfriend just puts a real 'damper' on things ya know. i was so upset and hurt that i didnt sleep all night.

i know that i am sounding bitter already and i dont want this post to turn into a bitch session. maybe i shouldnt be writing this now as i am still very raw, but i need to get it out of myself. i need to keep myself busy, otherwise i will just crumple up into a ball of tears alone in my mom's house surrounded by workmen (yes, they are STILL working on the bathroom!) anyway, after all this nastiness between colin and i, i started to take a good, hard look at the relationship. i am 27, i have plans for the future. a life i want to build and i couldnt see colin in that future. his friends, partying, drinking seem more important to him. he can be nasty to me and make me feel shit about myself (turmoil). he has always been like this, but he also has many lovely qualities and so i tried to look past all the bad stuff in our relationship. i love him. he is my best friend. but if he can blow me off for alcohol and a party then he is not worth it. i know that i deserve better. i want a man. someone who is committed to working together. able to make compromises. someone who has compassion and love for me. someone who will comfort me when i am crying. no more fucking around! no more wasting time! i want to get married one day. i know that i am not perfect and that this year has been incredibly hard on colin as well as me and i understand that he wants to blow off steam. so we are just at different stages of our lifes right now.

on the night of wednesday, december 19 i sent colin an sms. "are you busy right now? we need to talk." we can skype in 30 minutes. okay. first he revelled in telling me what a fantastic day he had had at the beach. he had been drinking all day and was having the time of his life! good for him. he said they were having a big party at his house on friday night, december 21 and do i want to come. WHAT?! he knows i cant handle being around loads of really drunk people until all hours of the morning (and dont want to be anyway). i just told him, "look, i dont like the way things are going and i think we should just call it quits."
"oh, okay. look i am drinking with my housemate and he is waiting for me so i better go."
"okay, go back to your alcohol."
and i hung up. after all we have been through, almost 3 years of a relationship that had been wonderful in many ways and horrific in others; that was his reaction. it just killed my heart that the person i had discussed future plans with, the person who had professed to love me so much, my best friend who knew me so well could just dismiss me like an old dishrag. nothing could have solidified my disappointment in him more.

although friends and family have suggested to me that he probably didnt really understand what i was telling him as his reaction was so odd. but when he does come back to the real world and has satisfied his lust for instant, self-gratification he will realise how much he has lost. and that will be very sad.

now, of course i am a mess and am relying heavily on friends and family to help me. i feel reckless. i just want to go out, dance, get drunk, forget everything. i want to be normal. then i could deal with this break up. but being sick on top of it. that's incredibly difficult. i am horribly miserable and depressed, but i am desperately trying to make plans with friends, go out, keep myself busy. i know all this adversity will make me an even more amazing person than i already am, but right now it REALLY sucks to be me!

i feel like i have come full circle. i was 24 years old, living at home without a car, working crappy jobs to save and go to taiwan in november 2004. now, i am 27 years old, have returned from taiwan in october 2007, am living at home without a car, no job, no money and what i was hoping to be a real and profound relationship has turned into a booby prize. oh and lets not forget the fact that i have regressed to the level of a 16 year old in terms of the things i am able to do. i cant drive, i cant drink (well, okay, a little!), i cant go out. SHAME SUE! yes, i am a pitiful case.

but i am fighting that self-pity, that depression as much as i can because i am better than this! i have applied for a freelance editing job and now i just need to teach myself about editing (argh! ;-) so i can pass the test and get the job. my future is still bright. i am getting better physically, mentally and emotionally every day. i am going to work from home, make some money, recover fully and then i am going to travel, live life to the fullest, find my happiness, my soul mate, be fulfilled. but for now i need to cry ...