my next visit with my doctor was on wednesday, december 5. i was really looking forward to this appointment. i had just had visits from two lovely old friends over the weekend, which really did me the world of good. it was so wonderful to chat to like-minded people again, people that i hadnt seen in years and who didnt think that the pinnacle of the weekend was to go out and get fucked up. it was great to feel that i was loved, that i was interesting and fun to spend time with. that there were people who wanted to see me and didnt mind driving all the way to my house. this bit of social interaction coupled with a wonderful family braai for my sister's birthday on sunday, december 2 made a fantastic start to this month. i also started feeling that my relationship with my sister wasnt as icy as i thought it was after i gave her my old, but still very nice, digital camera for her birthday on tuesday, december 4.
but back to my latest doctors visit. i saw my lovely doctor with the good news that i had come off the baclofen without a problem. "excellent! then we can take you off the phenytoin next." it will take 3 weeks to get me off the phenytoin, but so far so good! and once i am off the phenytoin i can drink! now, i havent drunk alcohol in a year and by now i really dont miss it. especially after seeing how stupidly people act when drunk. this is a bit of a sore point between colin and i as he still loves to drink and take drugs whereas i just see it as pretty pointless now. but it will be nice to be able to have a glass of wine for christmas.
"what cant you do now that you would really like to do?" asks my lovely doctor. he guessed maybe driving?! hell no! i wanna be able to WALK further than 1 km (my maximum distance right now). i wannna DANCE! and i really, really wanna be able to have SEX! and to this end i am trying to push myself a bit more. i tan almost every day, which just makes me look and feel good. i swim after i tan. i try and walk around more and do more physical things than i used to. i am also trying to put myself in more social situations to try and train my brain to deal with all the noise and distraction again. i am coming off meds and i am trying to strengthen my brain. COME ON BRAIN! stop fucking around with me now, PLEASE! please, let me be normal!
so, everything is moving along smoothly and slowly, but i will only have a final angiography in february 2009 to check if my AVM has been completely obliterated. i will be 28 years old! of course, i am hoping to get better before then, hence all the 'brain training'. i dont know if i can handle another year of this.
Mirrors
oh and, i have also found a positive to all the disruption caused by the workmen redoing our bathroom. they took all these square mirror tiles off the wall, which i have been playing with for my photography. i think i have taken some fantastic photos already and i cant wait to see what else i can come up with.finally, the last convulsions that i had were on wednesday evening, december 5. they were scary, but i took a xanax and they only lasted for 15 minutes. one thing that i have to keep telling people and reminding myself is that, yes, i am perfectly fine now. but my recovery is not linear, i go up and down. at the moment i am on an upswing and i'm gonna see how far up i can go, but i am nowhere near the top of the mountain yet. the stupid thing with me though, is that the more of the summit i can see, the more impatient and frustrated i get with my body and my brain.
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