Anniversary

11 months ago today i had a stereotactic head frame screwed onto my head and underwent the most difficult day of my life with the ultimate goal of preserving my life. now i am almost a year away from that day and yet it is still so clear in my head. i still cry sometimes when i think about it and marvel at the fact that i have survived 11 months. i dont know how i did it, or continue to do it for that matter.

i recently watched a video of the convulsions i had the night before my gamma knife radio surgery, sunday, february 11 2007. my south african doctor asked for a copy of this video and i realised that i had never watched the whole thing so i decided that it was about time i faced the horror images of what my AVM does to me. it was terrifying ... i barely recognised myself. truly a scene, 22 minutes long, from the exorcist. i had nightmares of being chased by contorted, white eyed zombies. every single one of them was me. but i am glad that i watched it. i have to face these scenes head-on, no protection. how else will i ever process and accept all that has happened and is happening to me ...